There are moments when you will hate yourself

Everyone said
We understood
This is what anyone would be
Think for themselves first

But I thought it would be different
I thought I would be different
I thought we are different

They said
Good friend true friend will understand
You do things for your own sake
Even if it means taking it away from others
I am so blessed that my friends are true and good enough

But I still can't get over it myself
Ironic enough
Even if I had a second chance I will still choose to fight for myself
I just thought I should dealt with it in a better way
Fair and open

Grow up girl
Seriously you need

So it is about Choice, Chance and Change
Whether you want to Choose to take the Chance to Change

When you lost direction lost your rationality
Things are always easier said than done
Keep calm. Be rational
There is only two way in front of you.
CHoose one.
Well, all those advices just ring beside your ears but somehow you can't understand it
Worse, you understand it literally but you don't know how.

They think this is a easy question.
Turns out they are hard choices.
The option is hard because both are not the best alternative
Maybe you need to accept compromise in life
Those little little imperfections that comes along with the package
But believe in yourself
Trust that you can make the best out of it

Just drift along and see what happens
Stop worrying because worries bring you NOWHERE
Other than stopping you from moving forward

Woke up super early today and decided not to study first
Cause Im going to have a longggggg day lol

So I was scrolling facebook like what I did everyday and stumbled across this article
http://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2014/jun/18/teen-books-does-reading-make-you-a-nerd
So this teenage girl is talking about how she hide the facts that she read, review(wow) and highly active in literature activity because it is UNCOOL
Sad huh, I mean reading is never a social thing,
But still I never thought it would be shameful thing or something to hide

Well, for me being a girl who reads
No one calls me nerd cause I can never stop talking and can't stay at my seat for too long
People say I am smart, geng and amazing because I can read books with a lot of words lol
Yea #AchievementUnlocked meh :/
Well since they are all compliments, I will just accept them gracefully
But the next thing they say is "I can't read book like this", "Not boring meh", "I will feel sleepy lie"
So basically you are being put at the altar, or a stage simply because you read
You are different. Different in a good way but still different
If you were a teenager, you will know how important the in-group recognition was

Lucky I have one or two friends that share the same passion so we can always talk about books we are reading XD
Erm, thinking back, I think it was just one.
This basically builds up our friendship of 13 years
Yea nerdy discussion about books we just read, our favorite scenes and character
and race to see who can grab the recent copy of just released Harry Potter yeah
So miss that! The intense anticipation for every new book and so feel like queuing up in a bookstore

Awww.....J.K. Rowling is always my idol
I know I am weird when I am the only one who put writers as my idol in primary school
But for writing a series that can let me re-read the whole series for more than 5 times
I had to say, she made a difference in my life
I can totally make reading Harry Potter the milestone of my life.
Think I was 8 years old when I got my hand on the first HP book.
But I absolutely remember the scene vivdly where I sat at the stone chair beside my house and totally immerse myself in this amazing new world
No matter what gets you into it,
this book is just so magical that you will be addicted to it
No, the movie isn't even one tenth of it but still it is cute to look back at the little Emma Watson
GO READ IT if you haven't do so

Little preview haha

Dumbledore <3 

I had to like these comments because they remind me how reading could be a form of addiction
The only addiction that can have my undivided attention for hours
I can sit there(lying and rolling around mostly) for few hours straight
Just flipping the pages and do nothing else
That is basically miracle for severe ADD patient like me lol
I cant recall how many times I was scolded and stopped from reading cause it is time to eat/sleep but I can't put down my book when I was a kid

Look at these young wizards,

Had to thank Rowling for repopularizing reading

I am seriously grateful I read
Just being in the world conjured by words is a bliss =)
Growing up as the only child in a Internet-less home without books would be disastrous
I wouldn't be who I am today without these enlighting pieces

Yes magic it is =)

Which is exactly why I am so obsessed with it

I miss the reading me.
Miss those afternoon and sleepness night cause I just need to know happen next
So absorbed into the story that time fast so unconsciously
But
Or I simply need better books.
Books like Harry Potter and 武侠小说 that can make me read irresistably
and had that emotion turmoil inside once you close the book
You grow attached to the characters and you laugh and cry with/for them
I miss that feeling.

Favorite twins from my favorite fictional family

Don't they look cute here? 

p/s: Another article to share lol

We are losing the art of reading

One day we might need to explain reading to our children in computer language

"The traditional pleasures of reading are more complex than just enjoyment. They involve patience, solitude, contemplation. And therefore the books that are most at risk from our attention and integrity deficits are those that require a bit of effort."

I am losing that attention to follow the maze of words

Just a random thought

People changed so fast

Last moment you were striving so hard it

The next moment you wonder why would you even want it

So this quote serves as a reminder for me

In the eternal flight from myself to myself

There will be moments like this

where you can't connect with the single neuron that made this decision

But it is still your decision

Regardless of its existence in your memory

Regardless of your changed preference

It was a part of you

It was one of the pieces that leave a mark on you

Probably even changed you unconsciously

There are just too many things that happened to us without our permission

Learn to accept everything in life and make the best out of it

Sometimes even I don't understand my own temper
I didn't even realize I have a temper
But I do. A big one, like flip table type.

My conclusion is,
Travel mate is hard to find.
No wonder now it is so trendy to go on solo trip
Maybe someday I should try this too
If I can get the pass from my mum lol

Sometimes when you create this barricade for yourself
you have no idea how to get over it
It is ironic how you can mingle just fine with any strangers
and be really "cincai" but not with them
People you see on a daily basis
Probably that is why you shouldnt go on vacation together
More chances of contact will create more friction

A bunch of self-proclaimed "cincai" person actually has a lot of requirement
and I just so feel like my field doesnt match this time
I was about to burst
If you only want to check in at some place and eat
Then don't say you want to go play
A pek travel trip also more eventful than this
But you see, anyone else have the same thoughts and I can deal fine with it

SO I got tangled
What am I angry at.
Not them. This is how they were, old people in mind lol
Maybe me. I am always weird and wanted to go these weird places
Or maybe it is just not the right match
Cause it so feel like Im going out with my parents,
but they wont layan me like my dad would probably do haha
*slap* Not a princess here girl

Anyway I got boiled up for a while
Guess I'd made the guys frowned and sigh "troublesome woman"
Played 100games of FLOW just to calm down
Then reflect about my bad attitude and temper for a longer while
and now I'm calm
But no, I'm still indecisive
Probably she already decided for me

Maybe I should just go and study first

#Day2ExamMarathon

http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/opinion/abdar-rahman-koya/article/letter-to-my-non-bumi-daughter

"Dear Salma, I don’t regret what I have done. I hope one day you will be grateful that your father had not started your life on a lie. I hope one day you will be successful, or less successful (however you define it), because of your own hard work, and not because of an unjust system recognising your racial status as superior. You have God with you. He sees the truth, but waits.

I may be a little selfish for doing this. But this much I admit: I don’t want to one day stand before God to be questioned why I, despite being Muslim, had agreed to be part of this unjust system."

An impactful article written by a father to be shared in this Father's Day.

You might have thousands of different views on this,
But he depicts the very reality in this country in which all of us living in

For me,
When there is an unbalanced system and if you could have been the privileged one
It is really a noble act to say no and try to maintain the equality

Don't rush to point fingers at people.
Think. If you can have the one with an upper hand, will you say, NO I want a fair start.
I will work from scratch just as anyone else.
So yes he gained my respect from this nicely written piece
If only every citizen of this nation had the same level of conscience and pride in self
Maybe we can have a fairer country like what we envisioned

I believe this Salma girl will fare well in life
Because she has a father with great values and principles.
That is all you need to bring up a good child.

Reminds me of the values my father instills in me,
He never talk a lot or lecture me(sometimes very naggy yes...)
But he taught me through his action
That is the best form education one can give
Be kind, be nice and be honest
No matter how the world treats you.

If you decide to be kind,

It is not because of who you met,

It is who you are.

Although I had to admit a lot of times 

I love myself too much to sacrifice or contribute

But cannot mempersiasuikan my dad one right

I will try harder to be a nice person lol

当我听说 你在看我的部落格

是有小感动

虽然你说 我的文字是拿来捞饭吃的

（我怕你看了这么晦涩的文字会消化不良lol）

一开始 写这个部落格
就是给 关心我的人看的
虽然我自言自语 写没有人看得懂的故事很多
但是 我是想让你知道
我在做什么 在想什么
想让你知道 也许我们身处不同的地方 其实没有很遥远

或许 我们的生活越来越远
聚会的时间越来越少
谈话的内容 都是在回味从前
但是 那个在乎的心 还是热的
就算不认识你的新朋友
还是很认真的stalk你的照片
从字里行间推测你过得好吗
偶尔闲哈拉
就这样 就算被冷冻很久
就是分不开的相连着

谢谢 一路有你 默默的关心
你不出声没关系
我可以用想象力感觉你的温暖lol

一起加油吧 七月见
*抱一下*
好想跟你们聊很久很久的天
喝茶！唱K！去吹风！爬山！喝poppers！
不然我们来个sleepover吧！ ;)

想你们了，这次没见面的间隔期 有点长

不解
隔着几道门 听到那阵笑声
突然 我的脚步停了
可以预见尴尬的场面
不想回答的问题
客套的哈拉
所以 掉头了

我说自己骨子里
其实是个没自信
很没安全感
有社交障碍的小孩
没有人会信吧

但是对我来说
最遥远的距离不是陌生人
而是认识了 应该更进一步了 吊链了 却没有人问为什么
没有人 想修好这链接
而我 通常都不会是主动的那个

我的别扭 自己也不理解
当我疑惑时 疏远时
只会越来越远 越来越客套
需要的是 很温暖热情的大拥抱
告诉我 你属于这里
这个圈圈一直留了一个位子给你

是我 想太多 期待太多吧

有一种朋友
总是把你最坏的一面带出来
但是跟他在一起很自在
因为他比你更坏
你堕落的时候 他跌得比你还低
反正就是有人比你黑
所以你都可以很安全的做自己
很真实的 有点自私 有点不顾他人感受 的自己

Yea especially the inappropriate one

有时候觉得
真实的丑陋没什么不好
反正好人很多人抢着当了
我们就老实说
懒惰 不想做 不想理
想睡觉 想看戏
可恶但是你又不能彻底的恨

Somehow this is liberating

因为 坏人其实也不是完全没良心啦
体贴起来 你就是特别的感动
一面指着你们骂 一面把全部事情揽上身
说懒惰没时间 还是去了
你开口 他推却 下分钟却打来ok啦
有什么鬼点子 他总是最容易say yes的那个
反正 rules doesnt apply to us

想要就yes不想就说不的自由率性
有他在身边做得特别没有内疚感哈哈
诚实一点 把自己的priority放高一点
这种舒服的事情做久了 会忘了别人
忘记需要假装合群
所以有时候 也是会反省一下下的
平衡这种艺术 真的是一辈子的学习啊

还是感恩 损友们
感恩大学生活有你们
让我可以释放一下我的疯狂因子
那个……扮正常这回事
我做不了太久 呵呵

每個人說
你不像今天考試哦
因為我很開心的 煮了早餐午餐晚餐
總之 自從我的飯鍋回家后我都很開心哈哈
吃到自己煮的東西就很開心

對我來說
煮東西 是很簡單的事情
真的不佔很多時間（我scroll fb 還比較久）
只要想好要煮什麼（這個部分最開心）
洗洗材料 切切 就可以和水一起倒入飯鍋
嘩啦啦 繼續刷fb 再過十五三十分鐘就可以吃啦
吃的都是自己喜歡的
吃得開心 分量又夠 最重要是沒有油

七八年前 我就下定決心
我的男朋友 一定要很愛煮菜很愛做家務
不然就要有錢請女傭 lol
結果單身到現在哈哈
所以現在 自己會煮了 那個收拾
嗯 就自己照顧好自己吧
順便造福少少的人群哈哈

那個考試 是這樣的
很多年前就決定不要讓考試
決定我的人生 左右我的心情
淨空法師可以算好好 讀到考60分就好
其餘時間來看自己喜歡的書
我也是 不過貪心點想拿A
其餘時間 想看自己喜歡的書 做讓自己開心的事
現在還在努力的不在乎考試中
不過真的越來越steady了
好像是時候在reverse 了
有點太steady啊~~
出成績的時候就我應該會bang wall和想slap自己

最後黃金三天讀書天

倒數

就看我的終極努力 是多努力吧

——————————————————————————————————————

宿舍名單出了
大地震啊
以為可以住到的朋友都不能住在K1 nani~~~~~
怎麼辦好
感覺明年的自己會很寂寞
雖然一個人過的很自在
不過還是希望有可以敲的門
可以jio的卡
祝福大家吧 上訴 上訴 上訴

我最討厭人家說“你的科系很容易ho”，
天啊~上了大學才知道，
系系都有難唸的經，
真的不是每個人讀得來的，
assignment。presentation。很多很多的lecture大家都有，
請不要告訴我只有讀醫科的讀到要生要死

畫設計圖 做模型 做程式
有些東西 你讀的來 也做不來
要有那份心 走過那個學習過程
手藝 烹飪 烘焙 化妝
你以為只要不會讀書去學就能上手嗎
說真的 你找高材生去他們反而做不來
這些領域 需要的生活技巧 手感 美感
書讀太多 反而體悟不到
這是用經驗 用手和身體來學習的

學習著 尊重每個科系 每個領域
每樣東西 來得不易
背後的功臣 成長的過程除了淋漓的汗水
也是點點滴滴的血淚史

站在高處時
請抬頭看看身邊的人
或許你有幸坐上電梯 幾秒就能登頂
而他們可能是 拼了命 爬到這裡的
希望在嫌棄他們的汗臭味之前
看到 他們的努力

又接到憂鬱媽媽的電話
安娣都愛QQ輔導專線lol
安娣的煩惱很多 因為女兒們都很煩惱
一個從馬來西亞哭到印度 現在要考試好壓力
一個剛好進到KMM 適應不來很辛苦
所以安娣想請問3年前從KMM畢業的我
然後5分鐘后就來糾正我對Module123的認知
安娣~~~我說過我畢業很多年了不清楚

可能自己經過了那種
初到異地 離鄉背井的階段
聽到妹妹在新環境不適應 偷偷哭的情節
是有熟悉感 自己也emo過
但是真的沒有辦法將心比心
能分享的是 經驗
是啦 很多人一開始會想家 不習慣 會想哭
適應了 就好了

有時心裡會OS
都十九二十的人了
還打電話回家哭什麼
老媽也是五六十歲的人了
讓她這樣擔心 連聲音都皺了
這樣四處厚著臉皮問東問西 是幹什麼

不是說人家母女情深 什麼心事都傾訴不好
只是心疼
安娣始終是長輩
要對一個妹妹這麼客氣這麼委曲求全
一句一句 不好意思 打擾你啊
我都不好意思問其他人 怕煩到別人
天下只有媽媽會為你做這種事
雖然幫助不大
雖然沒什麼面子
雖然你知道了可能還會嫌棄
知道自己能力有限 方法很笨 還是會去做
但是她就是有那份想盡一切讓你過得好一點的心

她的心就懸在幾百公里外的你身上
你的一句話 就決定那條線是松 是緊
你說今天跟朋友出去很開心 她就鬆口氣笑了
你說讀得很辛苦好想哭 她就緊張得恨不得馬上飛到你身邊
沒聽到你的電話
她就用很多的恐怖念頭嚇自己 失蹤 綁架 電話不見 強姦
直到你出現為止
這樣脆弱的心 經不起你每天的八點檔 高潮
退學 轉系 想回家 沒有朋友 難過
這種話 沒有很認真 就不要亂說
因為她會揣摩很多遍 加倍想想放大你的處境
直到最後精神緊繃 神經脆弱的 變成她

如果誇張了 請別對號入座
以上情節 純屬張家的情節

離家以來 自己也是有想家的時候
最低落的時候
接到家裡的電話 聽到熟悉的聲音 眼眶就紅了
總是忍著 很敷衍的匆匆說幾句 就該上電話
然後才坐在樓梯口 擦眼淚

不過很堅持 不訴苦
因為我老媽超敏感 我怕她會反應過度
我怕我哭了 她隔天就想衝到馬六甲 吉隆坡
所以我是典型的 報喜不報憂 沒喜就不報
所以爸媽都覺得我讀書很輕鬆 lol
要說服他們 我有在讀書 還挺有難度的lol

沒有訴苦的權利
也從來不給自己這個機會
在家人面前示弱
當然有時候 情緒不好 聲音會透露秘密
只是都不想多加描述
讓她們 多為我擔心一份 有什麼用呢
這些是自己必經的成長過程
只能自己走 她們能給的是精神上的支持而已
你總得讓拉拉隊有元氣 歡歡喜喜為你打氣吧

聽到安娣焦慮的聲音跟我分享心情
突然想起我親愛的老媽
我最怕就是老媽這種擔心到帶哭腔的聲音
夾帶 連環call 連環sms

這種情形 一年總會有個一兩次

讓一個學佛的女人變得這麼不理智 是我不好吧

“讓父母安心 是最大的孝順”
捫心自問 安心這點 你做到了嗎



只想說
可憐天下父母心 生兒一百歲 長憂九十九
希望你 可以讓他們的九九長憂 愁雲淡些 多點歡樂

像往常一樣
胡亂的點網站 刷臉書
結果 看到劉墉寫的一番話

你初到個地方可能恨那裡，過一陣卻愛上它。你初接個職位可能恨死那工作，過一陣卻愛上它。你初見個人可能很不欣賞，交一段時間卻成為死黨。後來的改變可能因為適應了接受了麻木了，然後認命了！這時候你一定要想想：“我為什麼改變？我當年的理想還在嗎？我可以這樣安於現狀？還是該跳出來重新出發？

是真的適應了 喜歡上了
還是麻木了 遺忘了
到最後 都無所謂了

一步一步跨向前方的同時
其實很不安
會不會 走到終點
赫然發現 這不是我要來的地方
然後 像一個迷路的小孩
哭鬧 也沒有人可以指引我方向
因為 我也不知道 那地方在哪裡
只知道 已經不能回到原點了
所以 適應能力強 也是件好事對嗎

或者不需要
用複雜的想法複雜化生活
該來的 會來
If you want it bad enough, you will fight for it
No matter what
想要的欲望太猛烈 会自燃成一把熊熊的火
就是那种火 才能讓熱氣球升空吧

還是專心的 過生活吧
把每一天都活得充實
还没找到值得燃烧的目标前
用温煦的火

Human are weird creatures

Craving for sleep everyday

Yet having insomnia when I can and NEED sleep

Guess I exceeded my sleeping quota this week so no need sleep liao lo

Even more conscious than in the day fml

Biting apple at 2am.

Feel so geeky nerdy weirdo

Lol let's try if half-conscious study process works

Can't stand my own madness

Can't rant on facebook

So this is where I randomly write scribble jitter scramble ramble lol

Wish me good sleep

Don't care if it is good night or good morning

I miss Grandpa Chou

How many stars you earned today?
So I heard of this cure for procrastination
Nothing new, nothing complicated
Just the constant mantra Self-Control

But this direct sales guy proposed a very simple direct way
Make it an economic token/game or whatever you wanna name it
Count every achievement.
Give yourself a star/any reward
Make a reward chart.
Chart your progress.
Make it tangible
Yea very kindergarten but.....
That sense of achievement will fuel your progress
Or so they say

I always have this awe for people with determination
They set goals.
For whatever reason you think reasonable or not
They reject all forms of temptations
They persist. Day by day. For months. For years.
Then you see the changes.
You clapped for them.
You basically witness the whole process.
You encouraged them while lazing around instead of joining the force
So yea, people celebrate their success so you also celebrate together loh
But.....where is your plan?

Was actually trying to get myself to do some little things consistently everyday
Erm, as usual I have tonnes of excuses to spare
and lying on my bed is more comfortable and anything else so uhum,
The plan is still a plan.

Maybe it is time for me to have some self-control too
Besties had been giving me the same advice like, 10 years ago?
Am not gonna wait until 30 or 40 years old
Hopefully lol.

Thanks for the motivation random guy.
And you. you. you.
Three girls to be precise.
Thanks and we will see.

在家懶了五天
完全充電完畢
像小孩似的鬧著爸爸買了整桶冰淇淋
把沙發全都拿來當坐墊枕頭
把客廳弄得亂七八糟

一天睡三四輪

唯二的貢獻就是做了粽子和美麗的早餐

坐著就會有人問 要喝椰水嗎 蘿蔔汁 酵素
簡直就是皇宮啊~~

但是我很笨的 早早回來了
留了五天給自己閉關
太安逸的日子
過久了 我會很沒有安全感
不是怕世界需要我
是怕有一天世界不需要我
還是認命的 乖乖回來當讀書生

最近才發現
原來我對睡眠不足和壓力的resistance很低
處於壓力鍋下的我 真的是只會噴火的怪獸
不小心被燒傷 就拍謝啦
不過現在 過了地獄五月
現在我的主題曲完全是lalalala~~Life is wonderful
所以我又變身成為善良可愛人見人愛的我啦
現在大家有空可以找我哦
在考試高峰期來臨/魔鬼現身之前

再過兩個星期
就要跟3rd year說掰掰了
*忐忑中
Thesis和假期posting都還沒有定案啊~~
呼，希望明年順順利利~~真的很需要保庇

跟朋友聊著
暑假快到了
好多人 出國了
假期 要去 旅遊 交換 實習

怎麼本來的計劃 全都沒了
這個假期 我想留給自己
單純的在家混
看看書 在附近走走 跟朋友喝茶
寫寫字 種花種草 煮點什麼 都好

是喜歡 旅行那種陌生的空氣
一切感官被提升
又重新變回好奇小孩的感覺

但更想要 找回自己的步調
飄散了好久 是時候 重整自己了
就算是在踏入恐怖的上班族世界之前
最後當一輪 高中生吧
懷念那些在家悠閒的下午
唸著不需要考試的書的感覺

不想再漫無目的的走

沒有research的旅行 有驚喜

但是做了research再加點小random的surprise

才是自己理想的旅行

最近在想著
怎麼我們都過得那麼忙
大家都忙的   好像悠閒是種罪
忙到最後 真的很茫

如果能放慢腳步
是不是會更好
節奏太快
把自己弄得暈頭轉向
都搞不清楚方向

停下腳步 回頭看的時候
不知道自己走過那裡 更不記得什麼風景
看著鏡中的自己
越來越重的眼袋 越來越不可愛的臉
努力回想
只依稀記得 一些人事物 好多的小小遺憾
有人問你 在忙什麼
真的答不出 越扯越心虛
我也好想問自己 你到底在忙什麼鬼

你沒有變成你想成為的自己
甚至你忘了 你想要的 是什麼
就讓時間輪盤 轉轉轉
轉到 你忘記一切
跟著時光 流過一年又一年
直到老去

匆忙人生
是為了什麼
忙到頭 又得到什麼 剩下什麼
這個問題
希望 十年 二十年後問自己
答案 可以讓自己滿意

最近聽到這首歌

沒有很好聽 不是很喜歡 MV更扯不上什麼關係

但是歌詞就准准的插到我的心了

我們都把生命過的很匆忙

消費時間過的很慌張

街上每個人都這樣

就像一個傻瓜

太多牽掛 太多說不完的徬徨

我們不應該讓心很忙

偶爾要讓腳步停一下

多少人錯過你身旁

再多後悔能怎樣

別再害怕 我們別再讓自己更忙

So it was our very own first dinner

Couldn’t really say I enjoy the dinner

Just like what I told my dad, I paid to come and work and cant even get a bite of the cakes!

30^th May mark the end of a lot of things

That week, was just disastrous

Doing video till 6am and miss the 9am class, totally

Non-stop assignments and edit edit edit with constantly MIA groupmate

So I was literally an active volcano

On that very day, I was working on the gimic and video till 6pm,

Just 1 hour before the event.

Lucky I have the sweet juniors to be my make-up artist and hairdresser

A lot of times you see people forgot everything because of the final joy moment

But I choose to stick with the reality that stay with me from the very beginning

No this thing is not perfect

No it is not worth it

No it could be better

But you have no stance to point your fingers to others because you too, fail your responsibility

But I still think this is a lovely night

Because I got to see a lot of faces I miss, especially Fatimah!!!

The only good side of having school dinner is for me to meet all these warm people <3

And for me to learn some video making technique? :p

It was quite fun actually, better if I could have more time ;)

So, next year, it would be a dinner for us

How would it be? =p