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Another week

Posted by Qi... on 12:13

Some rare peace and relaxing moment before another waves start.
Started to watch "Modern Family" this afternoon and found it really destressing
HAHAHA the most uncommon people and not generally likeable people gathering around fuming positive energy.
Cute and funny
Simply having this luxury of spending two hours like this is bliss. :)
Rewarding myself for completing my to-do list yesterday (y) #lifeachievement LOL

Then I started binge watching these when I am supposed to write my chapters.
EXACTLY WHY I NEVER WATCH ANY DRAMA IN SEMESTER....But......
There is always a but >.<

Had been somewhat tensed up for the past few days cause my lappie is becoming rebellious
Decided to went on a strike cause apparently my hard drive was carrying too much
I'm like dude, we could at least go on a negotiation and you gave me some warning before you simply gave me a heart attack like this
No laptop can die one you know
But anyway, glad I solved it with super efficiency (and $$$ of course T.T) or else I will be killed by my SV

Once again, I am surprised by my calmness in life
There was once I will get panic attack and anxiously awake whole night because some huge problem happens
But this time around, I was unease, cranky but really peace
I can just decided to get a 10 hour sleep
Seriously doubting did I hurt my head anywhere or any part of my brain mechanism breakdown
Cause I have NO GUILT, WORRY OR ANXIETY
Well, that makes a constantly carefree and happy me, but something is just so wrong
Like I dont concern about a lot of things anymore and feel less responsible about many things which I should
Well, complicated human psychology huh


Anyway, just glad I survived another week and getting closer and closer to temporary freedom
Oops, and closer to datelines and BIG JUDGEMENT DAY



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善知識

Posted by Qi... on 12:01

突然有點想念這個老人家
真的覺得 他是跟我最有緣的法師
曾經一段時間 我家的背景音樂就是
他很沉穩 很讓人安心的嗓音
每天 早 午 晚 都有一兩個小時的聽經時段
哇 想起來 我媽真用功
雖然每次媽媽在看佛經的時候
我不是睡覺 做功課 就是躲房間看書
但是潛移默化這種事情 還是有的
Osmosis :p

雖然他講話真的有點慢有點催眠(他有解釋過為什麼要慢 我忘了)
但是他講的故事也是特別生動 特別不一樣的
很多故事 佛教的故事 歷史故事 真人真事
記得他說過 讀書時期 因為想花多點時間念別的書
每次總是故意剛好靠六十分 及格就好
可爱吧 好不一样的思维
但是其实 就跟考零分的道理一樣
如果你沒有考一百分的能力 不交白卷是考不到零分的
剛好做到六十分 就停筆 也是另一種能力
雖然我沒有這種超能力 但是就真的看成績比較開了
不爭了 覺得有過八十就好(再低我怕我爸媽受不了)
剩下那二十 就拿來看書  :) :) :) 真的覺得我比其他人過得自在快樂得多

最近 失去了 慢慢聆聽的耐心
我想 在網絡上 重新看到您
是一個提醒 是一個契機吧
這樣五分鐘 五分鐘 的片段
可不可以重新訓練我
專心 認真 聆聽的那份心

今日啟示:
尋找善知識的同時
也要記得多加精進
成為別人的善知識
嚴重慚愧中……

阿彌陀佛 感恩開示 _/\_


2

Bubbly bubble

Posted by Qi... on 23:05

Looking back at video of some therapy
Cant help but feel annoyed
Very annoyed

I hate repetition
I hate faking
I hate hypocrisy
I hate pretending
I hate exaggeration
And this is all we do in a peads session with all the cheers and excessive praise
I was like, I wanna puke if I listen the word "pandai" once more

I was talking to one junior
She was being advised to change course because
Apparently she cant interact well with children
aka she cant be this animated high-pitch cheerful
You have to pardon me to fell into this self-pity cycle again
But, once again just show how narrow the frame was

It is as if you need to be this bubbly kindy teacher to fare well
But not everyone can be like that
So do we only want ONE kind of speech therapist?
So is it really quiet, calm people cannot help kids to talk?
I feel like somehow we are off the path
Like the theme in QUIET
When we had this Confident is good, Extrovert is good myth
We are actually missing out a huge talent pool and missing out the other side
I mean, if there are reserved adults, there are reserved children too
Even though we are trying to encourage people to speak more and communicate better
We cant be going merry-go-round and singing nursery rhyme all the time right
So give the child a break, give us a break too phew

______________________________________________________________________

Recently I rediscovered what a wonder it was to talk with kids
I mean typically developed kids
That sort of real joy was wow
Kids with their cute innocent adult-like speech
"mama, you tak boleh suka kakak inilah, you dah ada papa"
"Call me James Bond" LOL
Had been working with children who cant speak for too long
I was feeling so hallelujah to hear all these
Any children below three years old that can speak more than 3 word utterances amaze me
Guess my threshold had really hit the bottom

Once upon a time like really long ago
I actually thought of being kindy teacher and wrote it in Cita-cita saya
That was when I really got a counselling session on my career choice lol
But yeah, I was like if I am only happy when I am talking with these kids that can really talk
What am I doing here playing masak-masak and click-clack car every week with kids that can only say "car", "nak"
Yeah the fml moment and what the hell am I doing moment is here again

You know the research actually shows it is a negative cycle
These children respond less, so their parents interact less with them cause they ignore you no fun ma,
but then if parents dont play with them, their development are more delayed then they got worse
So the communication and the development of communication skills getting less and less
Until one day, they decided to get a speech therapist to tell them how to play with THEIR kids

My point is, we are all naturally like the parents
We like kids who are cute, talkative, cheerful, active, bubbly
And I still do
Between this kids who can tell you cute stories about her kindy
vs this kids that ignore you all the time or run all around and say nothing
It is natural for us to prefer one over another

They need help yes,
but sometimes I wonder
If you put 1kg fertilizer this tree can bear 500 fruits
but another tree with 50kg fertilizer also only can bear 100 fruits
Where do you invest?
I dont know why after years of learning about people with disability I can be so discriminating
But yeah, I do think rehabilitation care is something beyond basic needs
It is more established is society that are more established
I just wonder, do I have the extra watt to light up these energy-absorbing might light up might not light up bulbs

Are you this dedicated? This noble? This loving and caring?
Is it too late to ask myself this question?

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It gets better

Posted by Qi... on 11:38
Today, my patient asked me “when can I talk again?"
Last week, he told me "When can I talk like normal", as in before stroke and then he started sobbing
Every time he expressed such view
Every time a patient try to hold his tears in my session
I was stupefied, struck by his helplessness, and also mine

To be honest, there is nothing much I can do to help him.
Once a friend told me, the only thing you can do for them, is to make them happy.
Nothing much we can do to improve their skills
I really hate to admit this considering the things that we are doing, and we claimed to be able to do.
But in the end, I still cant find much point to rebut him.

Sometimes, I had to admit
Our effort in therapy dwarfed under the impact of the stroke
They lost their ability to speak properly over a night
Are you expecting this old man to cheer because he can name objects clearly when all he remember was how fluent he can speak and all the stories he want to share?
He wanted so much more and what we worked at seems so trivial to him
When we are trying to pat his shoulder and say these are baby steps, be patient, it takes times
I felt like my words are so powerless
Just like it is useless for someone to say any comforting words after your loved one passed away

But as lame as it sounds,
All we need is time
It takes time for them to really accept everything that is going on
And it also takes time for me to really learn to be a pro, so I can do more and do better
I believe if we are all moving in one direction, we can at least make some improvement along the way :)
I need to believe so, isn't it?
Or else what am I doing here

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碎碎念

Posted by Qi... on 01:41
只是突然發現 大家變了
說話的方式變了
說話的內容變了
慶祝生日的方式變了
當大家的願望 變成順利畢業 順利找到工作
我想 只是大家清楚了 自己舒服的生活方式 自己人生的priority
可能變冷了 但那時最舒服可以持久的溫度 那就這樣吧
只能說 還是很慶幸 我們依然願意花時間來成為彼此生活的一部分
要求不高 就會知足了

當大家都在往前看
我卻開始變得越來越懈怠
對大家 越來越嗲 越來越黏 好像不對
是時候 重拾自己的步伐了

這幾天 一直在想
這個學期過得相對輕鬆 就代表歷練不夠
真的 跟其他人比起來 學習機會太少
那我 有沒有主動在 彌補這方面?
我想 彌補睡眠比較多吧
啪啪啪 我也需要有人來罵下我

終於也到我趕casenote 報告的時候了!

衝衝衝!


看著會議時 還是很積極很關心 
完全很在狀況內 也很能指出問題給予建議的朋友
看著學妹 越來越穩健 自己越來越自歎不如
總會想 在這段學習的路上
我偷懶抖掉的責任 不屑而忽略的職責 到底損失了什麼
因為從來沒有 自發的 熱情的 持續的 做一件事
所以到哪裡 都只能是一個陪伴關心的角色
好在我夠親民 笑容可掬
想不通 有很長的一段時間 明明都很忙 卻想不起在忙什麼
也不是期待自己萬能 還是怎樣
但是希望自己在有需要的時候 是可以派上用場 幫得上忙 
游刃有餘地想好對策一二三 而不是在旁邊乾著急


所以 雜碎文中 永遠的結論是
要加油 要充實自己 不能再混了

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