Sometimes it felt like you will never reach there
For months, I felt like I did nothing
Maybe that is the fact
This feeling of getting stuck and labouring for nothing is emptying me
I am floating in this sense of insecure emptiness
Not sure about what should I do
Not sure about what am I doing now
Not sure about what I should do next

I am coming up to my mid-candidature soon, which is the two-year mark of my PhD
and I have nothing to show
Literally nothing
I have no idea how to fix all the loopholes and come out with a presentable study
The fact that bothers me more than me having nothing to show is,
I am not sure if this will get better in the future
I don't see how I would transform rapidly in the next two years

I was having a conversation with some friends yesterday,
Some were saying they would still do their job if they won the lottery, some won't
But no one would work for free
I stay silent.
Because I am working on this "job" with no secured income, me having to slave to feed myself, and completely unsure of my job prospect
And I just couldn't say it.
Seriously, I hate it when they ask me "how is uni", or "how is your place"---because both sucks
And I cannot stop comparing myself to people around me
Peers my age who are out there doing their things,
And me, over here doing nothing.

This is the very first time I have doubts about what I am doing for the past two years
Or maybe doubting myself
Maybe this is not for me, cause I will never have the academic calibre
You might say it will come with time and training, but I just know this is not in me
I cannot even concentrate on reading my own document and find out all the missing -s,
I don't think I can commit to reading 10 student's assignments and actually comment on the content.
Maybe this is a trivial example, but I am just tired of it, even before I started--------
I am tired of tying myself down to commitments that I don't intend to commit in the long run
I am tired of postponing and forgetting what I actually wanted to do, or not having enough time to accumulate the skills for it
I am tired of waiting for myself to get through this, so I can do XYZ
Because I realized if I keep on postponing my XYZ, it will never happen
And I will just move further, further away from them

Maybe I am just tired of this shit.

After 7 years, I still don't understand the extent of shit I got myself into.

First post of 2018.

I am pretty glad I achieved some of my resolution in the very first month of 2018
Firstly, I finally became a UQ casual staff and got a job as casual tutor!
I am totally clueless about the job but I am just happy to be given this opportunity

This year is gonna be exciting!
Academic/career wise there is gonna be a whole lot of milestone
Firstly of course is confirmation
Secondly preparing my first paper
and launching my first study (btw finally submitting my ethics but with minor GLARING error blurring my excitementttt)
and really really hoping to be able to attend IARC in Portugal this year but i pooooooor and also not sure if I have anything to present
So many doubts and so many unattainable peaks

Still trying very hard to avoid my self-depreciation
But I can't stop comparing
My colleagues---some were 40 years old experienced clinician, some were head of department while some were honors holder younger than me
BUT
Everyone is doing great stuff, wrote so well, juggling many huge responsibility and just shining
while I struggle to get a simple introduction right
I can't seem to get rid of the feeling that my presence here is more luck than competency
Of course having to struggle financially took a lot of time away from me
But honestly I am not exactly using any time to hone my writing skills or read academically
So I only have myself to blame

But well, I am here
I just have to grind through this journey which will definitely take more than 3 years
Endure and accepting being a poor student while my friends buying house, car and owing businesses
I think the most unbearable part is the loneliness
No one knows exactly what you are doing even though you try to explain and share
Sometimes I am at lost too. Exploring new territory and experimenting over and over again to find the right method to get the answer I want is not a very comfortable experience for me
I wish there is a step by step guideline and everything just falls according to plan
Spending months building up something just to be told to change a whole new approach sucks. Very sucks. Especially when every month counts. 

I think I am definitely feeling more grounded after meetings with my sv this month
Because I finally have more sense of direction and have a more achievable realistic goal
Even though the project is far from what I planned out in the beginning
Or even further from what I wanted to do (I feel really bad about clinicians I talked to because I feel like I gave them false hope......................................)
But it is good to know where I am moving toward and knowing I am closer to it by every step

Also I like the fact that I am slowly reaching out to people
I just need people to hangout with
I mean I am fine with solo whatever shopping exploring dining
But sometimes I just need some exchange and external input?
You just feel your mind going stale after being kept out from the world
And this is such an international city with so many newcomers I should find my clan right
I still talk to friends in Malaysia more than anyone in Brissy and now listening to Malaysia radio most of the time (Can someone just teleport me back home?)
I don't think this is healthy (though I still 100% <3 everyone back home)
So this year I reach out more and I am glad I did (the many new students help too)
Even though people I am closer to are all moving to Melbourne soon (WHYYYYYYY I know Brissy is boring but still............)
It feels good to build new connection and realizing what I had been missing before this
I just had to reach out more :)
Remind me to smile and initiate conversation even if I am tired please
Looking at new students with noob face but super good at striking conversation with EVERYONE
Even the seriously looking Iraqi uncle I am impressed.
I need to learn this skill lol

Anyway, my goal of the year is to stop worrying about money and develop my slash skills
TOP OF THE LIST is to quit subway and stop worrying about money
Really really hope I might get lottery (or scholarship but actually both also very unrealistic) but at least a grant
I need my money rain seriously
And also just learn more. A lot more.
Let's hope everything turn out alright and I survive
:) 2018 is gonna be great. and huge. and I hope I am ready for it. 

Literally crying my eyes red in the meeting
For no reason
Things hormone made me do lol
I blame hormone entirely
Sure it was a REALLY REALLY FREAKING frustrating meeting
But seriously after lying underneath my favorite lakeside tree for a while
I can't remember why I am crying

Life is certainly not at its best point
But not the worst too
Been through days when I have to work like shit for days
This seeking process, at least it is not physically and mentally exhausting
Or at least it is not a meaningful one
It is not like I had to clean the glass microwave table cabinet floor everyday only for it to be messed up again the very next day
Despite constant warning from my supervisor,
I am feeling pretty safe about getting through
I hope I am not over confident
But I need to keep this faith

And I am coming home!
Literally jumping with joy just thinking about it
Maybe that is what I could do today
Just planning about what to do when I am back
I am way too lucky to find someone to take my room when I'm away too
Can't really bear to burn the $600 rent while I am jobless
So things are working out

You just have to hang in there
Hang in there
3 weeks. Just 3 weeks and you can be on full holiday mode (hopefully)

I can't recall when is the last time I spend a full day in uni
Probably very long ago
Because today when I actually get to do so
That blissful feeling is so overwhelming I felt like being hugged by a huge teddy bear
Just. So. Good.

It was pure bliss, literally
Attended a workshop with brilliant speaker talking about fellowship which I might never qualify but totally broaden my view about my career prospect
Had interestinge exchanges with colleagues about their first lecture, first overseas conference and maybe just yoga and good dimsum
Had a good meeting with sv---even though my draft is being diminised to nothing and I basically had to work from scratch, but I like those moments of enlightment when they pointed me something new that I never knew before.
Today I learned about the behavior change wheel which----I am yet to read about
But simply hearing new terminologies that I never knew lighted up so many bulbs in my head. 
This is why I am here right. To learn. To be inspired. To absorb something new.
I just wish it could be more.

Uni itself is great too!
Had my free dose of long black from the art museum and enjoyed some quality do-nothing time under a blooming jacaranda tree, just lying on a bench, looking at the falling purple flowers and rest
I am this easily satisfied lol
Seriously the hacaranda is so pretty I am planning a picnic by the lake!
Now we are heading to sushi train (with sweet and sour pork on the train wtf) to end the day.
I don't mind being stuck in uni if everyday is this good lol :) 

Now I really don't want to go back to work lol