Never been so disturbed by a personality test before

But this one just hovers around my mind for days

Because this is everything I don't want to be but what I am morphing into

Reserved, anxious and sensitive? 

Come on, I had enough of anxious and sensitive people I don't need to be one myself

I guess simply because the social circle in working life is different?

You don't really have a gang of friends around with you all the time 

You need more initiatives to remain socially active

Or maybe I just have false perception of myself being caring and cheerful?

Or it is just the me in the quarter life crisis trying to figure out things?

That I am retreating into my own shell?

I always wanted to be a positive ball of energy

To inspire and bring warmth and smile

But recently I just can't pull off a smile

Can't even give a sweet warm smile in response to  a polite "how are you" 

I think I am getting "annoyed face" syndrome or RBF syndrome lol

Maybe I just need a little bit more time

To organize my thoughts and embrace myself

To recharge

Before I could emit more lights lol

是時候了

在低潮期徘徊太久

是慢慢爬出來的時候了

最近真的感覺很不安

不只是怕自己一直這樣以三流治療師的身份混下去

而是怕 自己就這樣安於這種不甚圓滿的現狀

然後告訴自己 以後 以後 我會去做其他的 自己喜歡的事

就這樣一日拖一日 一月拖一月

就這樣慢慢的

埋葬了自己

我覺得我已經變成自己很怕的樣子

我可以窩在房間卷成毛毛蟲一整天

我可以說對這個那個有興趣 可是一竅不通

而且 都懶得花時間學習

生活最大的期待 就是週末可以睡一整天

義工 旅行 閑晃 做飯 都提不起興趣

（話說 好像憂鬱症的症狀）

我不想變成毛毛蟲

不想變成困在蛹里 爬不出來

結果夭折的蟲兒

雖然伸展翅膀

飛出去的天空 很多未知很恐怖

但是

相比毛毛蟲一輩子在溫暖的陽光下慢慢的啃葉子

這樣的一輩子

還不如在空中滑翔的一陣子

不要辜負自己

可以嗎

不要在奮鬥的年齡選擇安逸

不要再為了短期目標而選擇折衷

一天一小步

可以嗎

真的 我對你要求不高了

So my pretty friend was telling me I need to write down my goals
Be specific and clear
Set reachable goals so that I can really achieve it
SMART--specific measurable attainable relevant and time-bound
Sound so like how we make therapy plans huh
You must set measurable parameters and set smaller goals to reach the final long term objective

So here is me trying to penning down my thoughts
It is funny how you think work occupied most of your days but in the only free weekend you have, you just want to relax, scroll the web and sleep
Because you make it sound as if you have so many plans for the weekend!
In fact, yes I do have

Recently I had been feeling this intense feeling of going out
Like I can't stand it anymore
The prospect of continuing whatever I have now is not exciting
The analysis of other available options didn't sound attractive as well
Then I got stuck
Because going out doesn't seem like a rational option
It might even be a poisonous thought
But it is like a calling
You just have to go for it

Somehow I miss my old journals
When I occasionally wrote diaries and randomly jot down things
I mean, there is blog but it is not the same
You can't highlight or doodle or ink you mood down
This feeling is like re-hatching all the highschool confusion moments
But I am not a teenager anymore
People had been asking me about housing, marriage plan
But I'm like, wait.....I am still trying to figuring out life!

I guess I had been dragging a lot
Friends around me had heard about my troubles for months
But I am still stuck here
So first thing in the list should be at least to settle this messy cloud of trouble I am in
And send out that damn email

So I was doing therapy with an autistic kid and I asked him,
"What is the biggest problem you ever faced?"
Answer is the time when his father stepped on his favorite toy car (mind you, the car is still in one piece lol)
I guess it was like an eclipse to him, total darkness fall upon him for few seconds until his father moved his leg.
I couldn't help but laughed so hard and so long
Kids being kids---their world is so small such that every problem seems huge

Then I started to think
Am I being a kid or it's really something wrong
Cause I had been feeling this weird knots for months
But if you ask me, what is my problem?
I can't exactly tell you one now
I am not exactly unhappy with my job, I am happy with everyone around me right now
Life isn't stressful, there is no traumatic events
There are small reasons to laugh everyday
The sky is blue. Yellow flowers falling occasionally when I walked back from work
Wonderful isn't it?
But something is just not right
It's just something in my head causing this depressing rainy mood

Can you feel like you are in a wrong place when you don't know what is wrong?
"You get depressed because you know that you’re not what you should be." —Brian Hugh Warner
For years I had been suppressing thoughts that will confuse myself
They say----stop thinking too much and just do it.
But I guess I am just programmed differently
I can't be comfortable with whatever I have
I can't stick in a path where I can see the end of it
Or simply because I am not completely happy with it yet

So I just I will keep thinking.
Even though it seem as if I can never figure it out
But I guess I just have to do this
Explore as much as possible and think really hard about what I really want in life
For me to have a good sleep at night

你是在跟一個五歲小孩較勁個屁
事情一過 就覺得自己很好笑
但是當下 真的很想
我是真的動怒了
真的 有打小孩的衝動
尤其是看到她那張得意的臉

是特殊兒童 有特殊狀況
就可以有完全的特別待遇嗎
是我的耐心 技巧不足嗎
太多問題 但是我相信
行為是被塑造的
沒有一個小孩天生會打人 會耍心機 會假哭

真的 家長們 請把自己的孩子教好
不要麻煩別人幫你管孩子好嗎