0

一年

Posted by Qi... on 00:41
一年了
太不知不覺
刚刚翻着舊照片才突然發現
就是五月二十九

其實刚打了一堆依默文
因為真的哭得不行
凡是有你的舊照片
還是像這樣讓我想起你的日子
總是讓我變成喷水大瀑布
不過不小心 没存档就退出了
現在 情绪平复一點但還是選擇继续自虐

记性很好
记得左边這辆十五年前轉手的PR 3860
记得右边这棵十年前被推到很甜芒果树
记得這辆你骑了二十年的摩托
骑着它去喝茶 買菜 買咖啡
摔了一次 两次 三次 
就算腿断了 三個月後還是继续骑着它出門
直到你真的不再逞强 把钥匙给我
開始 偶尔走路去買菜
有時我真的觉得 我记得太多了

想你
虽然逐渐習惯 有点空的客廳
知道不會有人念我該怎麽切葱 擦桌子 
要多吃肉 要早點睡
發現我凌晨還在看戲會打小報告
真的 我觉得我應付得還好
不再有那種失措的空虚
只是偶尔抽起那段段回憶的時候
才有這樣的隐隐作痛

偶尔會希望你在
想讓你看看
想聽你說故事 说道理
想做的很多 所以遗憾也很多
口里會說 人生无常 生死有命
九十九 健康平安 已经是蒙老天厚待了
但是 總是很自私的想要多一點
想回去那一刻
我只會說一句福州話"吃饭" 每天喊你吃饭的時候
你叫我起床 上学前煮一包金旦面给我的时候
我出门讀書前 偷偷塞钱给我的时候
我開始偷懒 不再帮你拿药涂伤口的時候
我對着电脑 跟你坐在同一個客廳 却不說一句話的時候
你最後一次跌段腿 坐在房間里萎靡虚弱的時候
幹 又開始飙泪 不数了

只希望
摆脱了老弱的身躯的你
會過得更好
一生都不欠人的你 應該可以投個好胎吧

晚安
好像隐约可以聽到你罵我
几點了 還不睡
晚安


0

Half day

Posted by Qi... on 20:59
So today was a little bit better than the worst imagined scenario
Bur almost there LOL
At least kid no.1 didn't throw unmanageable tantrum
Kids no.2 is too adorable and very talkative
Kids no. 3 finally whisper after being mute and signing for one month
(Daddy say he went to the same kindy for 2 years before he is willing to speak to his friends, maybe this should make me feel better?)
But I missed him talking to me about planes and legos
I need closure on this one lol.
BOY, WHY YOU NO TALK TO MEEEEEEEE
Usually kids like me kay. I am this nice jiejie that gives them lots of toys.
You will miss me and regret didn't treat me better h'ngggggg

Worst bomb of the day is me being ffk and ffk people in turn
I actually prepared---although under-prepared but still with something in my bag
When I say I am leaving, although I felt that little relief of no need to embarrass myself
BUTTTTTT I wasn't really thinking thoroughly at the moment
Cause I didn't expect there will be such a mess in the end
But when I got home all sweaty and lying on the floor
I just don't feel like going back again
Sorry auntie and sorry to my wasted hours

Unexpectedly, this is an alone weekend
I think I am the only one in the house
Feeling a little unease knowing there is no one else in this 12 bedroom mansion
But I am enjoying the serenity I guess
Did a little food hunting (and walk for few km >.<)
Finally had the line to stream my favorite JFK
And some time to squander.....which I totally shouldn't be

Setting some high goals for the weekend
Let's see if I can complete them lol

0

Before weekend

Posted by Qi... on 22:27

Sometimes I feel the universe is helping me
Like the event I wanted to go but didn't have time to will switch to another better date
Sometimes I feel like the world is against me
Because when I needed help the most I don't have anyone around me
But most of the time I feel like I am not helping myself

I am feeling a bit nervous
Because tomorrow is the day me being abandoned by universe
And I am too shy to ask for help
This whole preparation thing is making me a little bit tense
I haven't been trying so many new things at one go
Things that are way out of my comfort zone
And as usual, I feel nervous being underprepared
Which, considering I am given more than enough time,
It is still a wonder why I am burning midnight oil to do this the night before
So typical me

But anyway
Hoping everything will turn out okay tomorrow
And I will be able to complete my to do list for the week lol
Works for 7 days cramped in 1.5 days
As usual again

Ok girl, now you just need to breath
Get everything ready
Sleep and go rip that boy's mouth open and make bunch of old people sing tomorrow
You can do this


0

Better me

Posted by Qi... on 15:29
I am weird
Sometimes I purposely made decision I know I will regret after this
Just to make myself feel the remorse lol
Ya this is my self-harming routine
So I am making a big bet
Be t that things will work its way out even though I slack like a snake

This is really the time for me to pick myself up
To complete my proposal, undone project
To do my reading, writing
To get a routine and stick to it
To be a better me
Before I rot on my bed lol





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城市地圖

Posted by Qi... on 17:04

對檳城
我一直抱著過客心態
從來不覺得想在這裡扎根
所以 不買車 不買煤氣 不參與很多活動
甚至跟身邊的新朋友 也很疏離
處於漂浮暫居狀態

不知不覺 就這樣半年了
好想抱著那種很快就會走的期許
沒有認真經營現在的生活
現在想起來 好像不太對
為什麼要為了不可預測的將來
折損現在的生活品質
而且 不久留 才更應該盡情探索用心體驗吧

去了一趟吉隆坡
突然放大了所有檳城的好
車少 人少 就覺得呼吸都比較輕鬆
在一個宜居城市住久了
回到吉隆坡這種過度擁擠的地方
感覺落差特別大

也許也因為 昨晚的感覺太美好吧
去吃了很便宜的哥羅面
去有著漂亮建築 超大窗口 彩繪玻璃的教堂
拖了只愛蠟筆小新的朋友 去聽一場演奏會
第一次看到小提琴手兼職指揮
第一次聽到敲擊舞台的聲音可以那麼有節奏感
然後閉著眼睛讓音樂在腦海里畫出綠茵草原 隨風搖擺的花叢
雖然自認沒有什麼音樂基礎 鑒賞能力
但是靜心讓耳朵聽就好
然後在一間很家居的小木屋吃了好吃的可麗餅
(只要11塊 比我在吉隆坡吃20塊一份的可麗餅好吃多了)
很棒的agenda 當然是需要有司機和很配合的朋友

所以 想開始認真在這個城市生活
想好好逛逛老街
去吃街邊美食
找個有意義的組織/活動
多認識一些不同的人
去學太極
去逛市場 去看演奏 表演
慢慢勾勒我在這個城市的地圖


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