"As members of a thinking species on a small planet in a giant universe, with no more than 80 to 90 years of life, I think it is wrong to sit on our haunches and enjoy economic well-being. We are, after all, in a great race for life against death, for knowledge against ignorance, for exploring and understanding the world around us before the big contraction or crash or whatever comes next. And hard work is the only way forward."

I guess I fast-forward into quarter-life crisis few years back

(Always an early worrier >.<)

But here I am, 25, jobless and prospectless

This is definitely a legit reason to worry lol

Entering a new age at a foreign country

Where I am still very new is very different

I am trying to keep this low and make myself feel small

So I didn't let anyone in the school know lol

But secretly I am anticipating a surprise birthday party

Which of course only exist in my wildest imagination

Anyway I need to shout out a big thank you

Subway Hakataya Boost BR Nandos for cheering me up

When most of my friends at home are ignorant of my bday lol

And also my hommie, for the present and cake and company

Omg I'm in a new age category in most surveys now

That pisses me off a little bit

And also meaning I am in another stage of life

Where I should be doing something

But well, I am doing a postgraduate degree

Which might or might not be useful

Anyway

I am still grateful and happy about my life

Finally get more time to focus on what I want to do and learn

Living a life too chilly until I feel stressed

Starting on a project very intimidating but I'm on it

and I am adapting to the new life pretty well

Don't think I love Brisbane until I want to stay here forever

But the more I get to know it,

The more I like it

And it's good, right?

For me to like the city I'm in

Hopefully the life that comes with it too

My wish for this year?

Get a job

Get my projectsss done--develop a second interest/career

Keep learning--effectively

Travel with family

Stay happy

As usual, I like to set a to-do-list which is not really realistic

But I am kind of proud of my achievement in first month

10/15 items ticked!
But I haven't achieve the most important item

So yeah I need to really put effort there

Cause it is get a job or perish situation

I think I'm on a path of self destruction lol

Other than the very gloomy prospect of me getting a job in Malaysia after this

I am everywhere again
 Thinking about places that I should go and things I should do
As always, I am looking forward to go somewhere else

It is definitely too early to think about post graduation plan
But that's what's in my mind recently
I'm tempted to study more Idk why lol
Academic institution always give me this illusion
I love the atmosphere of being in a uni

On one hand I'm excited to learn about many other things and thinking about post-doc or fellowship

Another hand I'm just tired of these endless path

And my wish to just stay at some lakeside house and tend a farm grow stronger lol

Sometimes I wonder why I always strike off this thought
It is not entirely a bad idea
But why am I so resistant toward leaving all these meaningless pursuit behind

I'm tired of thinking about ways of living that fulfill societal expectation

It's like a race that you already know the ending of it

At the end I will gain certain amount of fortune, some property maybe, with a family and (too hard for me to imagine) maybe kids

No one will win over time and we all come to the same ending
So why the hell do we need to fight and work so hard
and put off the pleasure and fun
 I guess I am growing more and more radical in this sense
But yeah, I am looking for a motivation for me to stick to the "right" path

Maybe I am really "money monk"
According to Internet, that means I think money is evil and will not put it as my lifegoal
While I feel slightly jealous about how rich people have so many choices
But like what ma biatch said, don't compare
I'm learning that, but that sour feeling still seeps out once in a while

I don't know if that means me wasting away my life

But yes a nun cooking and planting her own food in a monastery sounds like a dream plan lol
Let's not get too carried away lol
I've learned over the time plan doesn't work
So maybe I can just start with creating a more practical list for May

So I had my first interview today
Like finally.
But damn I sort of know why I am unemployed till now
Well I am not exactly the assertive type
Which is exactly why I am always in a disadvantage in interview, especially group interview
I need someone who can see right through me and see my potential
Well, that is not gonna happen unless I am lucky till shooting star shoot right into my house

But yeah it had been a wonderful interview experience
I am really glad to have the opportunity
To listen about what different occupation do and some current issues
I do really hope I can get the job
It sorts of fit my principle and lucrative too
But imagining skipping uni....sounds a bit bad for me even though I know it is permissible

Anyway my money anxiety loosen a bit when I got the first payment from uni
But then I got wired up again about whether this is going to last me long enough
Anyway good to see money coming in than flowing out
Haih money. Forever an issue
Checked out the tickets during Xmas
Its gonna take at least 500aud whyyyy
Another money issueeeee

Well anyway I am getting really tired of sending resume and cover letters
But not tired enough to walk in and beg people hire me yet
So I need luck. A lot of luck
Let's hope I get another call soon.

p.s. Walked and hang out in a park after my interview
So I "ponteng" for the day
I guess my standard of park peaked after coming back from Portland
Now, in Aussie park, I will be like can you don't call a field with some tree and benches park?
They are way different thing
But yeah, I really like how Aussie are so chill....anyday anytime there are people sitting lying and reading in the park
That is good
God knows how much conscious effort I need to get off my phone (Sorry too anxious)
To just look at the ripples on the river and do nothing
Yes it felt totally therapeutic but I am still anxiously waiting for calls

Then I get hooked on a netflix documentary Chef's Table
Probably most attractive show I've seen this year
Because of this post
http://www.cocomy.net/post/420668
Well I had been telling others I wanted to be a nun and I will be but no one takes me seriously
But this is my dream lol
Out of the world, in a small hut, planting and cooking fresh from the farm
Oh watching through the show make me feel more and more attracted to a farm and just live in a small village farm
But god knows why I am stretching myself further from my ideal life

Academic wise
Well as usual things are still on track I think
Academically my procrastination get me hide in my cave on a reading and movie mode
But as usual these Aussie lecturers like to give you all the too positive sounding encouragement
and  am just a little bit frustrated with the speed things are going
Way to slow than what I would like but yeah probably I should speed it up
Let;s see what we can do this week
But.....next Monday is another holiday
Omg too many I don't know how to handle lol

Just get things rolling I think it will all fall in place one day
Maybe I just need more time. Or work harder. Or an opportunity
Hoping for the best

請不要問我為甚麽
但是應該在努力的這一天
我開始亂來了
聽了coursera的理財課
看了梁文道的導讀
去图書館借了📖

昨天回来的時候很低落
我想 坐在桌前一天真的不適合我
一到下午两三點我的脑细胞就關閉了
覺得思考不到 很煩燥
提早回家 离開時再度撞上垃圾桶
(我靠這個垃圾桶跟我有仇)
想去公园 结果睡醒天黑了
煮出来的南瓜燒🐔跟理想有很大差别
想烤南瓜籽结果烤焦了
對不起那一小時的电費

自從星期三跟老師聊天後
就有點低落
覺得自己的程度太差了
好像連基础都没有好想自我放弃
老師很善良 只有婉转 有褒無貶
小小的成就 就给你很多贊
我想說 老師不要把我當幼稚園學生好嗎
不過老師一問
你到底是来幹嘛的 最终目標是什麽
我就只能丢出一個尴尬的笑容
這個問題 我想了兩年
答案有了很久
只是我不知道這個世界可以配合我嗎

Anyway 一如往常
我低落的時候
就喜歡寫字 看文言文
所以来澳洲我只带了 两本
很久很久都不會翻開 但是象征意義很大的書
本来应该做功课的夜晚
突然寫起字來
寫着寫着 感覺就比较沉着了
但是 有點小難過 感覺和記忆力都比以前差了
我覺得我的所有感官 都被手機上瘾症磨毁了
要快點戒掉

说真的
我的文青细胞突然開始蓬勃生長
我都忘了自己是來幹嘛的
這樣 一下沾一點
其實 有學到東西嗎
我也不知道
但是 我喜歡這樣的問題
下個星期的我
會想巴現在的自己
但是 這樣才是我 不是嗎

真的想要很努力保持住
那個离我越来越遠的理想

When you are looking at someone through the screen

And listening to delayed auditory signal

Somehow everything is different

Probably because it is dinner time

and apparently my friends are hungry

But it just felt so different

The dinner conversation that I missed

People I could lie on their bed and talk hours to

Felt different when they are behind the screen

I guess I am too lonely

and talked a bit too much about myself

When there is nothing to talk about

Actually I just wanted to hear more

To get updates and continue be part of your life

Even if I am far, far away

Like in different time zone

I miss my friends