Waver

It's all about your personality.
It gets magnified in that therapy room, through that double-side mirror

So I'm suppose to smile
Look at people's eyes
Keep a cheerful tone(Sorry for my naturally low pitch)
Stay organized and composed even though storm is going on
Confidently persuade parents even though I'm not that sure of what I'm delivering
and react in the exact moment when I am supposed to
Never realized I have so many defects in my personality till now

It sounded so simple but to put everything in mind and in action
Guess it overloaded my simple brain
I'm not designed for complex mental functioning
Sometimes I think it is too much to ask for
For me to be socially likeable, constantly exciting and ever ready for change
As if there is only one way for it.
You can say there is a range or spectrum, but I would say that range is just so narrow.

Today someone asked me "If they don't want to be helped, how could you help them?"
But she told me, "You will find a way, because you want to help"

To be honest, deep down somewhere I was questioning a lot of stuff
At one split second I understood by he decided to change course against all odds
It's frightening, depressing till one point you don't want to continue
For whole my life I never countdown when the semester will end
Because I never know how long had passed
But this time I am counting from the first week. Yea, completed 10%!
I survived. But is survival enough?
Is this little pass the edge survival enough to get you through?
Is this takes so much of me should I shed my skin just to get through it?
Is this how I want to spend my life? Challenge and psychological turmoil day by day?
And with this somehow the child seem less cute
The motivation and drive just evaporates

Maybe working life will be better. Or worse.
In a sense that you feel better but you are not doing better
Who knows. But I hate this sort of feeling
I need a very strong end goal and very strong faith
No wavering no hesitating no doubts
Only then I can keep going, without raising head from the books and ask questions
So please, someone, enlighten me
Lit up the halo in my head so I would want to pour in everything just for this




p/s: Sorry for all the complaints, I just need to vent it out and shove it back so I can continue with my plans and reports and plans and casenotes