God, maybe I need a siri or something to talk to me
I feel like I annoy my friends too much lol
But I flipped at my mum again
I had been at home for one week and the frequency of me flipping is way too high

You know mum is like the one who will love you unconditionally (maybe too much) regardless of the shit you throw at her
But I really need to take a family communication 101 course
Or both of us
I don't know
The more I observe or talk to people around me
I do realize I have unrealistic illusions about how family interaction should be
I always get this dreamy image of families sitting in a living room and talk happily to each other
When in real life most of the time we are making pointless small talks, or looking at our screens
But I don't want my family to be like that

I feel like this is a trap
A "every time" trap
Every time she will keep asking nonsense questions or let me repeat N times until I flipped
Then she will say every time you are so impatient and loud
And I will be like why am I in this endless abyss I need to get out of this
You know when you repeat a mistake for too many times you are just an idiot
I am a huge gigantic one
Maybe it is really my temper
Temper I didn't realize existed
Exist maybe only for her 😅😂😂 too bad

Maybe I should try harder
I need to break this endless vicious cycle
Countdown 5 days

Lost my draft which is full of wrath yesterday
I guess this is something good
We don't wanna keep negative emotions
But damn, I am so stressed up and grumpy
I hate waiting for people, especially when I make efforts to be there
Damn a lot of efforts
But I'm this dog that when you give me some smile affections and food
I forget my anger

So I did my 24 hour round island trip
Drove all the way from home to BM
Then to Penang
Don't ask me why I am here
I guess I'm just overly sentimental and emotional
So I wanna have a proper goodbye with my dearies
And yes I did
Sort of an achievement

Met with my kuacis and had midnight talks about family and life up till 3am
Still sleepy as hell now even though I poured down a whole cup of coffee but I love it
Then had breakfast with my bitches and housemate
Then with my dear normal weirdo
Well I talked to these people so much I never felt we are apart
But yes felt good to be able to lean on their shoulder, selfie and hear someone tell me they are worried about me
And my dear Geny who were so so sweet and funny as always

Lastly
Summer place
I think I will miss lying over this place aimlessly and spend whole afternoon nonchalantly
I know these heartless people move on without me fast
But I still wanna be part of something
Feels good to blend in and still fade in the background like how I always do
Maybe I'm never part of anything
But I'm glad to have these caring souls who constantly offer hug around me

I will miss this island so so much
(PS. I can go to many part of the island without gps ✌)
And all these wonderful being
This is the first time I had difficulty deciding whether I like the place or the people more
But I'm always a people person
❤💙💚💛💜💜💞💕💕💓

This is the first time I unplug myself from a default path
I am very clear from the moment I took another path,
I will only sway further from their way
When I struggle with my new life, they had new experiences where I can't be a part of too
We will never come back to this very moment
But hopefully we can still share and talk about everything over video calls and a cup of hot tea
You know I always love to talk

I think my level of anxiety is going to get higher and higher over this week
So so high
I am already having nightmares about work
Last week of work and so many things undone

Woke up early and came to work before 8am today
Sent in 2 job application and searched for more scholar today
Whenever I sent out an application I am in this deep pithole of self doubt
I don't know where I stand in this wide wide world
Whether I should feel hopeful or hopeless among all the competitors (and I don't even know how many of them)

Colleagues had been reminding me, oh it is your last week
I think my apathy and coldness is slowly showing
Or my social awkwardness and poor ability of expressing
I cant resonate with the sadness they express
Maybe I do feel something, but I can't voice it out
My feeling is a mess. Big big mess only words can organize

Anyway
Hope everything went well this week

Ok I need a deep breath
I think this weekend is a little too exhausting for me, my distachment from my mobile data is killing me and maybe long bus trip too suitable to think about life that it always bring me to the brink of crying

Maybe I have a long to do list and I felt stressed
More cover letter and CVs
More emails to people I am afraid to talk to
More reading is needed
And I need to settle everything at work---from the messy desktop to the files and reports and handouts

I guess I just feel lost
Like any other soul down to their last hundreds at the age of 25
I had been thinking a lot about what I am doing with my life
Not only financially, though that's a big big concern
But basically everything
Professionally and to my patients
My promised toward myself and my never starting project
And my super vague future
Giving up everything and going into a life where I can only support myself with part time jobs I have yet to find stressed me up
Not to mention my guilt toward my parents
Every random remarks they throw are like tear jerker I kid you not

Some might feel like I'm being reckless and irresponsible
Those that knows research and study isn't all that glamorous after all
But I really need this so so much
Cause I failed so hard at what I do now
Or what I'm not doing instead
And I need a way out
A place that makes me repeat what I am doing everyday is not good for me
That, I know for sure
One day I might be thankful to that lady for treating me so bad cause she makes me courageous enough to take the leap
Cause I just need a switch of path

Sometimes I wonder what do I seek in life
Because at times I am happy with whatever meager things I hold in hands
But sometimes those burst of jealousy from comparisons with peers push me down the cliff
But money hunt is definitely not for me
I just need to learn how to get myself motivated enough to earn enough to support myself
And not dream about mansion or lakeside hut or dreamy tree houses

......I need to take that trip to Toowoomba
I am not sure if I have that much time to waste

------------------------------------------------------
Previous trips and my one weekend in KL & Seremban heighten my love toward Penang so so much
Everything is so easy and breezy in Penang (at least from where I live) other places seem so unbearable
PS. The frequency of me getting on nonfunctional escalator in KL is too appalling

I felt a tinge of sadness meeting my very old friends
I don't know
I felt a huge world apart
I am always weird and different
With those random buzzes in my head and my unworldly view
I can only observe with wonders looking at my friends achieving milestones in life and discussing about things I might never be interested to talk about
I think I need to feel glad about this
Having friends who are so grounded make me realized how drifty I am
Like everyone has their own pathway to follow but I'm making circles all around
And one day when I finally realize I should move forward everyone is miles ahead of me
Maybe I am already feeling the gap
But I can't give up on this
I feel like there is more to it
I don't know who is really living the berth of life
Moving forward in phases of life.... being homeowner and wife and mother
Or going for adventures I don't even know the destination

Maybe I'm just a lost kid unwilling to be found

I think I've said this before but this is getting realer than real
Just see how empty my bank account had become >.<
I always get this sort of cold feet before meeting with my supervisor
Really hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow

Anyway people had been asking me how is the preparation and do I feel excited
Erm I am not prepared at all
Apart from spending all my night free time scrolling through job searching sites
I am not looking at journals anymore
But at least I am following my sv's advice to get to know the place and services available

Anywhere I go
The hardest thing to do is to say goodbye to the people
Telling my patients I am not going to see them again
Leaving my colleagues behind
No more 3G moments
Friends who came all the way from different places to spend some time with me
Even though it is just sitting on the bed and talk
And eventually my family
I had always live away from home but not too far
And always blessed to have angels around
But I can't say for sure this time

Glad that I get to explore more of Penang in the past two weeks
Get to tick off some of my to-do-list and experience many first times while tour guiding
Thing I love about this small island is the constant surprise and the interesting people
I guess I will miss this place the people I have around now at this exact instant
Who knows what will happen when I am gone
I know it wont be the same when I come back as visitor
But I think I am contented in every minute of it
No complaint with this place at all! <3
So yea it had been a good one year, even though things are shitty at work

Getting a bit pressured too
Now that more people know about me furthering study
Melted when my idol tell me I shine so bright and will do fine
Surprised when my juniors told me my name was being mentioned in class
This is exactly why I dont want to tell anyone before this
Our circle is too small things spread too fast lol

So now before I leave
I am pulling my hair thinking about how to bid my farewell
Properly
I can't thank these kind people around me enough for being so nice to the noob and heartless me
But I dont really have things to offer I suppose
And I am not really good at expressing things face to face

Counting down my last two weeks here
Just want to spend more time with people that matters
And trying to get more prepared
I am kind of excited to try out different jobs
Librarian! Museum attendants? Tutor? Waitress? Sales
Everything seems kind of interesting but those that I am really interested need a lot more other qualifications haih
Why developed country like to make things hard for other people?
Even though I am sort of excited with the options available (belum tau boleh dapat ke tak)
but genuinely concerned about my ability to financially support myself since I am so broke now. So so broke.
Well I cant worry too much for now
So we will see. Hopefully everything will turn out just well
We can only hope