Week 2

Can't believe I am on Week 2
Constantly question why am I here and wtf am I doing
The more I know about what I had to do
The more I realize how ignorant I am
Coming here knowing nothing

Well, actually this is week 3
My 3rd Saturday
Everything else is perfect
(This sentence sounds too familiar isn't it)
Then it comes the "but"

Academically it is too early to say anything
But I am completely sure I will struggle hard
Like want to squeeze my brain juice out kind of hard
Everyone else is so experienced and established with published papers and stuff
I am this clueless bird that flies into the wrong window
I stammered when people ask me why do I want to do PhD
Because this is something I always wanted to do somewhere down the road?
When people ask me what is my project about
I get more awkward...why do I come all the way here?

But fortunately---as always
People here are really friendly.
All the other PhD students in my school are really approachable
Most of them are more matured than me and in another stage of life
I don't know why I am out of the circle everywhere lol
I miss iSports
My cultural gap and awkward communication still exists
Anyway they are really welcoming
and I had the first BBQ in a park, so Aussie style
(got lost and walked for 1 full hour......i got water bubbles down on my feet dy)
Luckily Jiahui is there or else I would be dead lost
And something I realized is I am still pretty much in the Asian group
Can't really get used to the Western over-expressionism I guess
Anyway I will try to slowly fit in
I hope I can, at least there is Spore and Korean jiejie haha

Financially I have not been particularly frugal
Spending lots of money on grocery shopping
Kitchen experiment is fun and life transforming
I made puff! and frozen pastry skin is miracle like literally everyone can be puff expert
And many other new things
Got a housemate that shares a similar interest in kitchen like me
But more into health junkie I guess
Makes me all sorts of smoothies and bloody red beetroot soup!
Well sometimes she gets more creative than me in the kitchen lol
QD Dark Kitchen meets challenger

Well, I gained lots of happiness and satisfaction from the kitchen
and maybe calories (even though I don't always feel like eating my own cooking)
but sometimes I feel like happiness is just carrot.
Carrot in the carrot and the stick theory
It gets you moving cause you are this gluttony donkey
But it is as impermanent as everything else in life
I guess this is just the beginning. Maybe I will get bored of it very soon.

Anyway the money thing is a big concern
V jiejie is telling me 5k is gonna fly away in like 2 months
Maybe I can stretch to 3-4 but that's all about it
Not helping in reducing my anxiety
But maybe I don't need help lol
I need more anxiety
I am really thankful for their suggestions though
Like they are more concerned than me and I am too chill
Anyway it was interesting to have conversations with people at the end stage of their PhD
Job seeking, PR seeking
Another stage of identity lost and omo go back to workface
Somehow it feels familiar
Like this will just be a 4 years detour and I will face the same problem all over again
No wonder my mum keep telling me we will figure out things after you graduate

I think the main reason for my guilt and anxiety is my parents
I should be having a decent job and a decent pay and bring them for tours once in a year
But in that one year that I worked, we did nothing like that
Which makes me feel pretty bad
Then it is going to be 4 years apart and when I got back (which I am not even sure if I will)
They are going to be so so old
I feel really bad about all this
But maybe I should stop feeling bad and take action
Like what my friends say
even 5usd translation job
That is money isnt it?

Do more when I have the time
Please do
Save yourself