Sometimes it felt like you will never reach there
For months, I felt like I did nothing
Maybe that is the fact
This feeling of getting stuck and labouring for nothing is emptying me
I am floating in this sense of insecure emptiness
Not sure about what should I do
Not sure about what am I doing now
Not sure about what I should do next

I am coming up to my mid-candidature soon, which is the two-year mark of my PhD
and I have nothing to show
Literally nothing
I have no idea how to fix all the loopholes and come out with a presentable study
The fact that bothers me more than me having nothing to show is,
I am not sure if this will get better in the future
I don't see how I would transform rapidly in the next two years

I was having a conversation with some friends yesterday,
Some were saying they would still do their job if they won the lottery, some won't
But no one would work for free
I stay silent.
Because I am working on this "job" with no secured income, me having to slave to feed myself, and completely unsure of my job prospect
And I just couldn't say it.
Seriously, I hate it when they ask me "how is uni", or "how is your place"---because both sucks
And I cannot stop comparing myself to people around me
Peers my age who are out there doing their things,
And me, over here doing nothing.

This is the very first time I have doubts about what I am doing for the past two years
Or maybe doubting myself
Maybe this is not for me, cause I will never have the academic calibre
You might say it will come with time and training, but I just know this is not in me
I cannot even concentrate on reading my own document and find out all the missing -s,
I don't think I can commit to reading 10 student's assignments and actually comment on the content.
Maybe this is a trivial example, but I am just tired of it, even before I started--------
I am tired of tying myself down to commitments that I don't intend to commit in the long run
I am tired of postponing and forgetting what I actually wanted to do, or not having enough time to accumulate the skills for it
I am tired of waiting for myself to get through this, so I can do XYZ
Because I realized if I keep on postponing my XYZ, it will never happen
And I will just move further, further away from them

Maybe I am just tired of this shit.

After 7 years, I still don't understand the extent of shit I got myself into.

First post of 2018.

I am pretty glad I achieved some of my resolution in the very first month of 2018
Firstly, I finally became a UQ casual staff and got a job as casual tutor!
I am totally clueless about the job but I am just happy to be given this opportunity

This year is gonna be exciting!
Academic/career wise there is gonna be a whole lot of milestone
Firstly of course is confirmation
Secondly preparing my first paper
and launching my first study (btw finally submitting my ethics but with minor GLARING error blurring my excitementttt)
and really really hoping to be able to attend IARC in Portugal this year but i pooooooor and also not sure if I have anything to present
So many doubts and so many unattainable peaks

Still trying very hard to avoid my self-depreciation
But I can't stop comparing
My colleagues---some were 40 years old experienced clinician, some were head of department while some were honors holder younger than me
BUT
Everyone is doing great stuff, wrote so well, juggling many huge responsibility and just shining
while I struggle to get a simple introduction right
I can't seem to get rid of the feeling that my presence here is more luck than competency
Of course having to struggle financially took a lot of time away from me
But honestly I am not exactly using any time to hone my writing skills or read academically
So I only have myself to blame

But well, I am here
I just have to grind through this journey which will definitely take more than 3 years
Endure and accepting being a poor student while my friends buying house, car and owing businesses
I think the most unbearable part is the loneliness
No one knows exactly what you are doing even though you try to explain and share
Sometimes I am at lost too. Exploring new territory and experimenting over and over again to find the right method to get the answer I want is not a very comfortable experience for me
I wish there is a step by step guideline and everything just falls according to plan
Spending months building up something just to be told to change a whole new approach sucks. Very sucks. Especially when every month counts. 

I think I am definitely feeling more grounded after meetings with my sv this month
Because I finally have more sense of direction and have a more achievable realistic goal
Even though the project is far from what I planned out in the beginning
Or even further from what I wanted to do (I feel really bad about clinicians I talked to because I feel like I gave them false hope......................................)
But it is good to know where I am moving toward and knowing I am closer to it by every step

Also I like the fact that I am slowly reaching out to people
I just need people to hangout with
I mean I am fine with solo whatever shopping exploring dining
But sometimes I just need some exchange and external input?
You just feel your mind going stale after being kept out from the world
And this is such an international city with so many newcomers I should find my clan right
I still talk to friends in Malaysia more than anyone in Brissy and now listening to Malaysia radio most of the time (Can someone just teleport me back home?)
I don't think this is healthy (though I still 100% <3 everyone back home)
So this year I reach out more and I am glad I did (the many new students help too)
Even though people I am closer to are all moving to Melbourne soon (WHYYYYYYY I know Brissy is boring but still............)
It feels good to build new connection and realizing what I had been missing before this
I just had to reach out more :)
Remind me to smile and initiate conversation even if I am tired please
Looking at new students with noob face but super good at striking conversation with EVERYONE
Even the seriously looking Iraqi uncle I am impressed.
I need to learn this skill lol

Anyway, my goal of the year is to stop worrying about money and develop my slash skills
TOP OF THE LIST is to quit subway and stop worrying about money
Really really hope I might get lottery (or scholarship but actually both also very unrealistic) but at least a grant
I need my money rain seriously
And also just learn more. A lot more.
Let's hope everything turn out alright and I survive
:) 2018 is gonna be great. and huge. and I hope I am ready for it. 

Literally crying my eyes red in the meeting
For no reason
Things hormone made me do lol
I blame hormone entirely
Sure it was a REALLY REALLY FREAKING frustrating meeting
But seriously after lying underneath my favorite lakeside tree for a while
I can't remember why I am crying

Life is certainly not at its best point
But not the worst too
Been through days when I have to work like shit for days
This seeking process, at least it is not physically and mentally exhausting
Or at least it is not a meaningful one
It is not like I had to clean the glass microwave table cabinet floor everyday only for it to be messed up again the very next day
Despite constant warning from my supervisor,
I am feeling pretty safe about getting through
I hope I am not over confident
But I need to keep this faith

And I am coming home!
Literally jumping with joy just thinking about it
Maybe that is what I could do today
Just planning about what to do when I am back
I am way too lucky to find someone to take my room when I'm away too
Can't really bear to burn the $600 rent while I am jobless
So things are working out

You just have to hang in there
Hang in there
3 weeks. Just 3 weeks and you can be on full holiday mode (hopefully)

I can't recall when is the last time I spend a full day in uni
Probably very long ago
Because today when I actually get to do so
That blissful feeling is so overwhelming I felt like being hugged by a huge teddy bear
Just. So. Good.

It was pure bliss, literally
Attended a workshop with brilliant speaker talking about fellowship which I might never qualify but totally broaden my view about my career prospect
Had interestinge exchanges with colleagues about their first lecture, first overseas conference and maybe just yoga and good dimsum
Had a good meeting with sv---even though my draft is being diminised to nothing and I basically had to work from scratch, but I like those moments of enlightment when they pointed me something new that I never knew before.
Today I learned about the behavior change wheel which----I am yet to read about
But simply hearing new terminologies that I never knew lighted up so many bulbs in my head. 
This is why I am here right. To learn. To be inspired. To absorb something new.
I just wish it could be more.

Uni itself is great too!
Had my free dose of long black from the art museum and enjoyed some quality do-nothing time under a blooming jacaranda tree, just lying on a bench, looking at the falling purple flowers and rest
I am this easily satisfied lol
Seriously the hacaranda is so pretty I am planning a picnic by the lake!
Now we are heading to sushi train (with sweet and sour pork on the train wtf) to end the day.
I don't mind being stuck in uni if everyday is this good lol :) 

Now I really don't want to go back to work lol

It is almost the end of the month
I was gonna write something after 31st August but today my procrastination mode is so strong
I just want to waste time
After scrolling everything on fb and insta
Here I am

Today I did my first close all by myself
Sort of an achievement even though I could not reach the 1 hour goal and had to do unpaid work
Took me 1.5hr to close a shop fml
And the boss had to be around the "check stock"
idk whether he is checking stock or checking me lol
Cause I had to go through a 5 day intensive training before I can handle a close independently
But apparently everyone else only had a day or two
Not too sure is it because I am new or I am slow
But all is well
I had to close from Monday to Saturday this whole week
That is 6 times of washing and wiping the whole store lol fml
Tbh the cleaning I did in this month is more than what I did in my whole life
Only mop my apartment once after I moved in ok
The things money made me do----------------like I seriously doubt what will I agree to if people offer me a huge sum of money lol

So apparently I had been working too much
Maybe 35 hours this week?
But I am only working half as much for the coming week I promise
Colleagues all asking me how do I cope
When I work 7 days a week
"Don't you go to uni?"
Yes, I do, but not much lol
I definitely need a recalibration
It is so hard for me to say no to money lol. and also because it so very hard for me to say no in general
For now it is a good distraction I guess
Cause uni work is boring. Plain boring like I need conscious focus to do it
Which is why having to work---having to force myself to complete uni task of the day in 3-4hour is pretty effective
Ethics is kind of annoying but I really need to work on it
And filtering studies for review isn't the most interesting thing in the world------I am learning a lot about disease name---autoimmune disease, neural disorder and stuff but still, had to force myself to keep scrolling lol
But I working on these
Slowly moving but moving with a pace that my sv is happy with (IDK how low their expectation toward me is lol)
At least I have answers when friends ask me how are you doing with your study lol

Sometimes I miss working in a hospital
But most of the time I forgot I had ever been a speech therapist
Until I met someone with stuttering today
I am not too sure if I could ever go back
I am not even sure if I want to
Unless when it is when my family needed help
That is the only time I wish I knew more
And I just hate it when that happens

I can totally understand when my supervisor say some people came for PhD but in the end they just stopped and work instead
The money is really not bad
And it can blind you for a while----like how it can make me wake up at 4.30am and do everything I have never did
But for me working in Subway is a lot of learning
I am taking extra classes to learn about life
From cleaning to multitask to interacting with people to get mundane but necessary things right
Everything is still new to me
I know it seems easy to everyone else
But it is not for me

And there are moments that bring me joy
Although I had new realizations about my limitation in bonding and interacting with people (*I am a socially awkward penguin with very selective conversation preference lol*)
But I still love those small glittery moments
When I could remember someone's order and made a dark face uncle smile
Or when someone told me you made my sandwich really nice I appreciate it
Or when someone feels so happy when you give them a little compliment
I just love making people smile
And these are so much more easier than whipping up a therapy plan and trying to change someone's behavior
I know it is very unfair to compare and I have no plan to progress my career in Subway
But Idk. There are jobs that are easy on your brain and soul but why am I doing this to myself lol
I like Ayden didi ask me. Sounds like this is not something you really want to do.
I am trying to reverse a mistake I made years ago
This might take 10 years but I will be there

Life is all good
Evening and weekends are full of free events meetups bookclubs
I have enough nutrition for my creative and curious mind
Also Friday morning yoga class in uni is bliss! Too bad the instructor leaving in two weeks what am I gonna do
Sometimes I am all tired after work and just want to lie down
But I am beginning to try more on eating out---cause finally got more money lol
Making new friends but still no hang out mates
That is the only point I miss
I dont know am I asking for too much
But I need friends who I can tell everything about
Because right now, all I do is pester my friends online lol
It is like those Buzzfeed post---when you only have two best friend and they are busy
I basically talk to myself in the chat box
But I have so many things to share! from silly things I do to random observation to online videos I discover
Ahhh apparently an instagram account is not enough lol
Best friend please come back from vacation fast haha
I would say life is not bad
Other than my constant solitude

By the way
I am finally going to Toowoomba!
This weekend!
I hope, if nothing goes wrong on my meeting this Friday
Dont have the courage to buy the ticket yet but I am anticipating
One week off the reality
How luxurious---think about no income for a week but still having to pay the bills
But I needed this

Needed to pen this day down
Not because of how eventful it was
Though I really really appreciate non-working weekends now
But it is the emotional roller coaster I

Woke up at 7 planning to work on my many documents but did nothing
Omg deadline is tomorrow I am so dead
But went on outing whole day somemore I admire myself too lol
Before I went out boss asked me if I can work
I am struggling between $100 income and two events (one paid) and more spending
And I choose to spend lol

Went to a free workshop by city council
Had fun decorating glitters on pantry object
Was supposed to bring my bottle from home but forgot about that
But glitters are really not my thing lol
Fancy but too fancy. How do you even use a jar full of diamonds and glitters?
But anyway I am once again amazed....you can be an artist by being a very into art housewife lol
It was fun like just for the experience
But I had to throw my product right after that lol
The glitter glue took ages to dry and I dont want it all over my bag
And I dont know how can I use those again
Say no to unpractical unnecessary things lol

Then I went on wandering for hours
Cause I was going to attend an activity there after 4 hours
WHY AM I SO IDIOT DECIDED TO STAY AROUND
But anyway it was a good discovery day
Found a lovely park in the middle of the valley
Which looks pretty similar to my favorite park in Portland!
Finally went to the oldest asian grocery store in Brisbane (not the biggest or cheapest though) and got some stuff----but they have some pretty good Indonesian and Philippines food selection lol. and fresh fish. and frozen and whole durian. and mooncake few months before Mooncake Festival
But my most dazzling experience would be walking into that herb store
The strong smell is almost therapeutic lol
The old Cantonese speaking auntie, old tabib and the med pots and people who came with prescriptions
Traditional things like this dazzles me all the time
And sometimes I feel misplaced like they brought a small part of HK or wherever to this very white land

Went to the first stand-up comedy show in my life
Listened to a singaporean named Ting (part of the reason I bought the tix) talked about singapore, how broke she was, how anxious she was and the traffic lol
I can feel her rawness and the grossly overgeneralized stereotype but I can relate to many of the things she said lol
Then we had a half aborigine who proudly proclaimed herself as aborigine lady
She was introduced as "national treasure in the making" and I think she might just be it
Love her lines and she even had a rap song with illustrations. too cute
And that song was awesome!
Then I think one day, just for once, I want to do a stand-up comedy too

Then went to the so-called Best Malaysian restaurant 2012 and 2015 for nasi lemak
I probably shouldnt go for nasi lemak in a seafood restaurant but anyway
It was terrible. I refrained from ordering any Malaysian food before this not only because I haven't pass my convert everything to rm stage, but im scared of disappointment lol
And that is exactly what I got.
$15 nasi lemak with undercooked rice. Seriously. How to eat. 
Anyway I don't feel much malaysia-ness there lol
But point is damn I got stomachache right after the dinner
I am not sure whether it is my stomach cant handle coconut milk and curry now or it is not fresh
Anyway it wasnt a pleasant experience

So lastly I went to uni to grab my laptop
Yes I took 15mins bus and walked 3km in return just to do that
and dropped my important cards (including bus card) in uni (I hope or else I die)
I am so freaking angry at myself when I had to pay $5 for my 5 minutes bus ride lol
Brisbane ur bus fare really expensive die
FUnny how tiny things like this can ruin my perfect day mood
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh totally messed up my already tight schedule
So a tiny thing like this can ruined my perfect day mood like totally
I am still pissed and slightly worried about it
Did I dropped it anywhere out of office? in the toilet or anywhere. I am literally having panic attack lol

But the worse thing was getting to know my grandma had a minor stroke this morning
and wasnt send to hospital
I feel like I am rewatching the same drama involving old people who refuse to send their parents to hospital even though they knew that is the best option
I had no idea why
Talking to my infuriated cousin makes me feel so helpless and guilty
I really wish I could be there. Or do more
I needed to see her again. To talk to her. To eat her food. To learn from her.
She is the other half of my root
I will be praying very very hard for her. 

July
Might be a little early to write this but I am on my first free workless Saturday for the month
I kinda lost idea on what to do on a leisure weekend

So I spend the first part of the morning looking at Youtube tutorial
Leaning how to do a short hair braid
But my hand too cacat I can only do the very basic braid I know
Totally failed the lesson lol
How do people even tie hair at the back of their head?
Like how do you stretch your arm?
I really need to know because my messy hair is ruining my life lol
I can't recall how many times I got scared by my own face in the mirror after a busy day

Then I went to the market
Detour to a second hand clothes store
Bought some amazingly cheap but beautiful outift
Bought few packets and noodles and one big box of vegetables and fruits (It was too cheap like literally a steal)
Was going to the city to get graduation gifts and do somemore shopping but maybe not
The $500 electricity bill really scare the shit out of me
Like for one sec I was gad about finally reaching my saving target
And by next week paying bill got me feel like being poor all over again

Life is passing like mundane routine
With tiny bits of pleasure I guess

Sort of feel fortunate I am working
Not only because of the financial comfort
But I have a distraction from my ever stagnant project
I got pretty frustrated in our last meeting due to the slow progress
It is not about me not doing my work, but the pace and vision of the team is way slower than my projection
And it drives me crazy for a bit
Simply by thinking about it makes me feel grumpy
And when I talked to other colleagues who enrolled together with me
My anxiety only rises
I hate my avoidance when people ask me how is it going on with my project
Because there is nothing going on
I am pretty surprised when the Head of Dept and sted in what I was doing lol
Maybe pretty interested in what I was doing lol
Maybe I am good in reporting outcome
Anyway hopefully I can sort this out soon

My friend had been telling me all I talk about is work now
Because that is what I mainly do lol
Hit 30 working hours in the last two weeks I got surprised too
So yea Wednesday pay day is definitely a happy day
Which is why I am more comfortable in spending money now (bad bad sign lol)
It was hard for the first week in winter break
Because business was so good we hardly had any chance to take a break
Imagine Subway sold out all their breads and people still coming in to ask for wraps
People, just eat something else

This job is starting to get boring but I think I really like it here
I like the exposure it provide, for me to interact with people from all walks of life
Even though our exchange might be only "what can I get for you today?", "six inch or a foot long"
And even though I hate the fact I am one of the oldest in the store
Just getting to know more people who are not doing a PhD widen my perspective lol
Kids who started working since 16 years old, coming in with a high school uniform but are much more well-mannered than me lol
I guess they learned a lot since young from working experience like this too
People saving for a car, a trip or working to support a family
It is not a job with good prospect nor a job anyone will love
But everyone stay here for a reason
And I like the very nice and even nicer colleagues
So yes I am really really lucky to find a supportive working environment
Even though I cut, burnt and scratched myself all the time

Meanwhile boss is going to train me to become an opener (sounded so wrong lol like a can opener)
Basically means I will be opening the shop, usually at 530am
Not alone, of course
I am afraid of myself lol. If I am doing that alone I don't know what will happen to the store
Even though I had to wake up before 5am for many more days
But I think this is much better for me because I can stay longer in uni
Anyway we will see how it goes

My Instagram project is going on pretty well
Looking forward to get 400 followers by the end of the month
I think I gave up on whatever passive income idea I had when I conceive the project
But
It is like the only highlight of my day I think
I don't like to share it on my social media account because I am a little shy lol
But this second account like simply sharing my life with random strangers and have random exchange about dishes we made is actually not bad
I like the anonymity and openness in it

Social wise
I am drifting away from school mates cause I am not at uni most of the time >.<
This is a really big issue I hope to solve soon
Meanwhile I had been going to more random meetups
Went to 3 different book club groups till now and still love my first one the most (which I had been religiously reading the book of the month and attending the monthly gathering)
Dropped out of the beginner creative writing class because 1) work 2) it is kind of boring 3) I am not really writing but maybe I will go back again if the time matches
Had a particularly fun meetup in a Thai restaurant which is crazy expensive but the companion is worth it
Philipino who works in Malaysian restaurant and can flip roti canai, Girl who were born in Perth but still going around telling people she is Malaysian (duh we are different level of Malaysian), Fiji Indian who sell Balinese furniture and DJ in pub
It was really interesting how you can gather so many interesting people in one random dinner table
I am still really awkward with strangers and had no idea how to strike a conversation but I am getting there lol
I really love the diversity over here like you can meet people from all over the world in Australia
The number of language I am hearing everyday is interesting enough

While I really love more and more about Australia
There are many things I miss about Malaysia
Most importantly are friends who I can have an honest face-to-face conversation about what is going on in life
I need one of those right here with me
I don't want to keep bombarding inbox of people who are in a different timezone and busy with work
And moments I missed while being here
Weddings. Celebrations. Transition of life.
There are many moments where I want to be there for friends and family
But can't
I know this is part of the package of living abroad,
Many people seem to survive just fine
But not me
I live for moments and connections
And this dryness is sucking up my well too

Let hope this is just a time thing
And we can look forward to a report with a happier tone next month
But overall July was a good month
Growth in many aspects (and being a sister which I probably failed) and many new experiences
But I want more
I want connections, outing and freedom
And we will slowly move toward that
Even though now I am still a squirrel storing food for the winter

End of another month
This is getting scary
Being let go by my SV for a month and had been procrastinating for the past two weeks
Havent been progressing much since then
Bad, really bad

But otherwise things are moving pretty well I guess

Finally settled down with the job
And feeling more comfortable working in a fast food place
I am still moving slow but at least I can move smoothly over the counter
I'd count that as an achievement for a sloth like me
I can't tell how lucky I am to get a job that actually pays minimum wage with casual loading
Love the opportunity to widen my social circle and get to know more people too
Though I haven't really mingle with my colleagues or build up relationship with customers
But at least the circle is there
And now I am not too worried about money in the near future

Another good thing is
I had been reading extensively recently
Finishing 2-3 books in a week
I really love a place with a good library
UQ don't have the best library and it is hard for me to get books for my bookclub but it is good enough
Finally read my Michael Sanders, knowing David Foster Wallace is most definitely not my read, and being creep out by Alicia Walkers's savage but believable sad stories.
And I had been going back to Coursera and EdX too
Even though I'm scrolling instagram most of the time
But I did really learn something from the courses
This is indeed my renaissance like I finally have time to read freely and widely
I am really happy about this

Lately had been working on an Instagram project
Too late to catch the insta money generating tide
10k followers seem very unattainable for me (according to online source that's the amount needed for sponsored post)
But maybe I just like to share with people my idea and my creations
Spent quite a lot of time giving likes (the only thing I can do for free and definitely not buying followers) to build up the profile
It is a bad thing cause now I have one more addiction and a really bad time consuming habit
But I am pretty happy to see the growing trend of my humble account lol
https://www.instagram.com/below_5/

I think I like this city now
With all the festivals every weekend and meetups and book club and the friendly people
Mostly the interesting events and just how welcoming the people are
Everyone is just so nice!
Of course nothing can cure my social awkwardness---I am a socially awkward penguin
But I feel comfortable walking into a meetup I know no one over here
Really comfortable. Maybe even more comfortable than going with my acquaintance lol
I sort of like the newbie from exotic country kinda attention
The uninvited curious intruder lol

So after all these sparkling moments
It is time for July
Mummy's birthday
Little brother is coming
I need to get going, read more, write more and work more
I miss busy uni life and maybe I am just trying to extend it over here lol

Thank you June, you had been kind and wonderful

是時候 為五月寫個回顧
這個月 過得太不知不覺
可是 看似碌碌無為的過了
也是有很多新經驗

最棒的當然是找著工作了
當上sandwich artist
至少解決了燃眉之急
不需要一直動用老本

開工的時候
看著一堆十八九歲的小夥子
完全覺得自己又老又沒用啊
這麼老了 還來跟年輕人搶工作
重點是 還做不好
每個人都跟我說 哎呀 很快就上手 沒什麼好學的
但是笨手笨腳的我
就是抓蔬菜 切麵包 也是需要時間

是很好的學習吧
生活技能 然後認識多一點本地人
還有很慶幸 老闆真的很善良
面試之後 電話出了一堆問題
給老闆添了麻煩 謝謝老闆還是收留我

接下來繼續數一些開心事

1. 參加了一堆讓我開心的活動
－佛學會
每隔一兩個週末就會去三時繫念
不要問我為什麼大老遠去跟一堆大嬸念經
一開始 是忌日想祈福
後來是 感覺好像有轉運
而且 定心 所以應該都會盡量去

－UQ佛學會
在布里斯班離圖文巴那麼近了
一定會去學院一趟的
不過大學裡面有法師來分享
有一群可愛的小夥伴
（重點是第一天的美食把我騙到了－麻糬好好吃）
讓我感覺很舒服

－群組心理學
我一開始參與 是想了解群組心理學
結果 好像是一堆國際學生在表達交不到朋友的鬱悶
也蠻符合我的心情的
老實說 認識了不少人
但是 朋友 可以聊天的朋友好像不多
最後剩下三個學員
我還是堅持去了 沒有人 太可憐了吧
我真的覺得 有學習 有幫助
組員證實了我文化差異影響交友的假設
雖然事後我覺得 我的交友障礙
可能部份也是因為我的悶騷 口拙
總之 找到比我更慘的難友 就是讓我心情愉悅啊
而且沒有這個群組 我應該也不會去讀書會吧

－讀書會
這個我真的很興奮！
因為群組心理學課程的需要 我認真去執行了
一個星期前 找到這個家附近的讀書會
剛好上網找到免費的電子書
很強大的看完 然後就一個人在烏漆媽黑的街上找著聚會的公寓
雖然組員都是一群三十歲以上的女人
但是 這麼認真的討論書的內容 我很喜歡
起司也很好吃哈哈 五塊錢有紅酒 算值得吧
雖然我不喝紅酒
還有 謝謝trish的推薦 我看會去看一本這輩子都不會碰的書
聽到很多姐姐分享經驗 介紹好書
就是一個很愉悅的傍晚

－蘇迪曼杯
我覺得我是瘋了才會答應
門票就百五澳幣了
本來我是真的捨不得這個錢的
但是想想 來這麼久 哪裡都沒有去玩過
（以為可以順便去黃金海岸的）
就狠下心答應了
鬼知道 馬來西亞進不了八強
本來我是很抑鬱的去的
但是比賽真！的！太！精！彩！
羽球飛得好快
以前我從來不曾注意的隊伍
泰國 日本 都突然好強大
真的好得很興奮激情
而且 沒有國家包袱隨意歡呼
感覺還不錯
看到人家渾身穿金戴銀 傳著傳統服裝 帶著大鼓來助陣
突然一陣心虛
要是馬來西亞 進半決賽
我們會帶什麼去助陣？
kompang？
雖然沒看到李宗偉
看到童年偶像林丹也是很興奮的
也算是打一個小星星

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

好像感覺 我是來這裡玩的
呵呵 我不否認 不需要朝九晚五之後
我有很多的時間
可以開始上我想上的網上課程
看我想看的書 （而且還有不錯的圖書館）
每天在廚房搞點小實驗
很喜歡 這樣每天的小學習 小嘗試
其實真的 我只需要一個passive income
然後我可以待在田園 看書看電影做做菜寫寫字
這樣就好了

夢遠了 我好像把正職丟在腦後了
說真的 不太提得起勁來做我的研究計畫啊
其實我開始覺得 畢業之後
我可能連這行 也不想做了
一如往常 我的腦子 比行動快太多
再看吧 現在研究還在軌道上
非常緩慢前進 但是老師對我的期待也不高
所以 我就順著老師設的軌道慢慢滑

流水帳之後 來個總結
五月算是過得充實
有新學習 新嘗試 新成長
（還是很想去經典課程）
六月也要繼續這個勢頭

六月的清單：
－完成研究計畫書
－努力鑽錢（買了明年家人旅行的機票，還要存旅行基金）
－繼續參加讀書會佛學會
－認真學習
－認真習寫
－去走走

就這樣 認真生活就好

有時 我覺得自己現在的一切

是我攀不上的幸運

（還是不夠努力的結果 科科）

連印度姐姐都說了

你能來到這裡 真的很幸運

好吧 我就相信了

機會和幸運 是給做好準備的人的

我覺得我沒做好準備

就跳上飛機了

現在 只好努力的抓著翅膀 避免自己掉下來

這個learning curve好大 好大

身邊的人 好像都比自己懂得多 想的快 經驗多

只是 有時心裡的魔鬼總會跳出來

在想 怎麼我沒有得到好康獎學金

怎麼 老師不推薦我工作

窮 真的會磨人心志

感覺自己的想法 也越來越酸 越自我貶抑

看著身邊比自己努力 強 幸運的人  太多了

很多時候 在感嘆自己遭遇不好的同時

我也在問很多憑什麼

自己這麼混混沌沌過日子

竟然也混到念研究生了

是不是應該

好好認真努力了

只是 有時候在想

要多努力 才夠

我只想 不勞永逸

偏沒生一個公主命

要過得舒服點

好像只能慢慢爬

眼前要爬的山很高

看不到盡頭

爬到累了 就會想巴自己

幹嘛這麼想不開 自討苦吃

不過 都卡在半山了

總得爬完吧

事情會慢慢變好的對不對

至少 終於找到工作了

所以是時候把羨慕怨嘆收起來

認真努力 勞役自己了

所以 你不在 兩年了
媽媽跟我說今天是你的忌日的時候
（因為去年她沒告訴我 我事後知道訓了她一下
今年直接提早一星期通知）
我就問了 所以我有要做什麼嗎
老爸說 阿公是不會去到澳洲那麼遠看我的
所以 今天我就和朋友烤肉去了
本來在想 應不應該吃素的

兩年 好像很久了
但是我還是很常跟朋友說
『我阿公喜歡這個』，『我阿公會這樣』

很多剛認識的朋友都以為 你還在

你不在 這句話 還是很難啟齒

馬來話一句berat hati 是真的

可是至少 我不會眼眶泛紅

也沒有再亂亂哭啦

時間久了 真的就能平復很多情緒

但是
昨天 去了一趟三時繫念
前排站著一位白髮慈祥的老公公
一直對我笑
害我突然有點哽咽
其實他們長得一點都不像
我阿公也不會那麼慈祥的笑
而且 事後我發現
他可能其實只是要閃耀眼的陽光 所以一直轉過來
然後是在尷尬的對我們笑
不過我的重點是
我的淚腺 一遇到白髮大叔 還是很發達的

迴向的時候
本來是想迴向給你的 然後在想 是不是要寫個牌位
但是想想 希望你已經在另一個世界
過著更好的生活
這些多餘的 你都不需要了
愛別離苦 我會學著適應的

"As members of a thinking species on a small planet in a giant universe, with no more than 80 to 90 years of life, I think it is wrong to sit on our haunches and enjoy economic well-being. We are, after all, in a great race for life against death, for knowledge against ignorance, for exploring and understanding the world around us before the big contraction or crash or whatever comes next. And hard work is the only way forward."

I guess I fast-forward into quarter-life crisis few years back

(Always an early worrier >.<)

But here I am, 25, jobless and prospectless

This is definitely a legit reason to worry lol

Entering a new age at a foreign country

Where I am still very new is very different

I am trying to keep this low and make myself feel small

So I didn't let anyone in the school know lol

But secretly I am anticipating a surprise birthday party

Which of course only exist in my wildest imagination

Anyway I need to shout out a big thank you

Subway Hakataya Boost BR Nandos for cheering me up

When most of my friends at home are ignorant of my bday lol

And also my hommie, for the present and cake and company

Omg I'm in a new age category in most surveys now

That pisses me off a little bit

And also meaning I am in another stage of life

Where I should be doing something

But well, I am doing a postgraduate degree

Which might or might not be useful

Anyway

I am still grateful and happy about my life

Finally get more time to focus on what I want to do and learn

Living a life too chilly until I feel stressed

Starting on a project very intimidating but I'm on it

and I am adapting to the new life pretty well

Don't think I love Brisbane until I want to stay here forever

But the more I get to know it,

The more I like it

And it's good, right?

For me to like the city I'm in

Hopefully the life that comes with it too

My wish for this year?

Get a job

Get my projectsss done--develop a second interest/career

Keep learning--effectively

Travel with family

Stay happy

As usual, I like to set a to-do-list which is not really realistic

But I am kind of proud of my achievement in first month

10/15 items ticked!
But I haven't achieve the most important item

So yeah I need to really put effort there

Cause it is get a job or perish situation

I think I'm on a path of self destruction lol

Other than the very gloomy prospect of me getting a job in Malaysia after this

I am everywhere again
 Thinking about places that I should go and things I should do
As always, I am looking forward to go somewhere else

It is definitely too early to think about post graduation plan
But that's what's in my mind recently
I'm tempted to study more Idk why lol
Academic institution always give me this illusion
I love the atmosphere of being in a uni

On one hand I'm excited to learn about many other things and thinking about post-doc or fellowship

Another hand I'm just tired of these endless path

And my wish to just stay at some lakeside house and tend a farm grow stronger lol

Sometimes I wonder why I always strike off this thought
It is not entirely a bad idea
But why am I so resistant toward leaving all these meaningless pursuit behind

I'm tired of thinking about ways of living that fulfill societal expectation

It's like a race that you already know the ending of it

At the end I will gain certain amount of fortune, some property maybe, with a family and (too hard for me to imagine) maybe kids

No one will win over time and we all come to the same ending
So why the hell do we need to fight and work so hard
and put off the pleasure and fun
 I guess I am growing more and more radical in this sense
But yeah, I am looking for a motivation for me to stick to the "right" path

Maybe I am really "money monk"
According to Internet, that means I think money is evil and will not put it as my lifegoal
While I feel slightly jealous about how rich people have so many choices
But like what ma biatch said, don't compare
I'm learning that, but that sour feeling still seeps out once in a while

I don't know if that means me wasting away my life

But yes a nun cooking and planting her own food in a monastery sounds like a dream plan lol
Let's not get too carried away lol
I've learned over the time plan doesn't work
So maybe I can just start with creating a more practical list for May

So I had my first interview today
Like finally.
But damn I sort of know why I am unemployed till now
Well I am not exactly the assertive type
Which is exactly why I am always in a disadvantage in interview, especially group interview
I need someone who can see right through me and see my potential
Well, that is not gonna happen unless I am lucky till shooting star shoot right into my house

But yeah it had been a wonderful interview experience
I am really glad to have the opportunity
To listen about what different occupation do and some current issues
I do really hope I can get the job
It sorts of fit my principle and lucrative too
But imagining skipping uni....sounds a bit bad for me even though I know it is permissible

Anyway my money anxiety loosen a bit when I got the first payment from uni
But then I got wired up again about whether this is going to last me long enough
Anyway good to see money coming in than flowing out
Haih money. Forever an issue
Checked out the tickets during Xmas
Its gonna take at least 500aud whyyyy
Another money issueeeee

Well anyway I am getting really tired of sending resume and cover letters
But not tired enough to walk in and beg people hire me yet
So I need luck. A lot of luck
Let's hope I get another call soon.

p.s. Walked and hang out in a park after my interview
So I "ponteng" for the day
I guess my standard of park peaked after coming back from Portland
Now, in Aussie park, I will be like can you don't call a field with some tree and benches park?
They are way different thing
But yeah, I really like how Aussie are so chill....anyday anytime there are people sitting lying and reading in the park
That is good
God knows how much conscious effort I need to get off my phone (Sorry too anxious)
To just look at the ripples on the river and do nothing
Yes it felt totally therapeutic but I am still anxiously waiting for calls

Then I get hooked on a netflix documentary Chef's Table
Probably most attractive show I've seen this year
Because of this post
http://www.cocomy.net/post/420668
Well I had been telling others I wanted to be a nun and I will be but no one takes me seriously
But this is my dream lol
Out of the world, in a small hut, planting and cooking fresh from the farm
Oh watching through the show make me feel more and more attracted to a farm and just live in a small village farm
But god knows why I am stretching myself further from my ideal life

Academic wise
Well as usual things are still on track I think
Academically my procrastination get me hide in my cave on a reading and movie mode
But as usual these Aussie lecturers like to give you all the too positive sounding encouragement
and  am just a little bit frustrated with the speed things are going
Way to slow than what I would like but yeah probably I should speed it up
Let;s see what we can do this week
But.....next Monday is another holiday
Omg too many I don't know how to handle lol

Just get things rolling I think it will all fall in place one day
Maybe I just need more time. Or work harder. Or an opportunity
Hoping for the best

請不要問我為甚麽
但是應該在努力的這一天
我開始亂來了
聽了coursera的理財課
看了梁文道的導讀
去图書館借了📖

昨天回来的時候很低落
我想 坐在桌前一天真的不適合我
一到下午两三點我的脑细胞就關閉了
覺得思考不到 很煩燥
提早回家 离開時再度撞上垃圾桶
(我靠這個垃圾桶跟我有仇)
想去公园 结果睡醒天黑了
煮出来的南瓜燒🐔跟理想有很大差别
想烤南瓜籽结果烤焦了
對不起那一小時的电費

自從星期三跟老師聊天後
就有點低落
覺得自己的程度太差了
好像連基础都没有好想自我放弃
老師很善良 只有婉转 有褒無貶
小小的成就 就给你很多贊
我想說 老師不要把我當幼稚園學生好嗎
不過老師一問
你到底是来幹嘛的 最终目標是什麽
我就只能丢出一個尴尬的笑容
這個問題 我想了兩年
答案有了很久
只是我不知道這個世界可以配合我嗎

Anyway 一如往常
我低落的時候
就喜歡寫字 看文言文
所以来澳洲我只带了 两本
很久很久都不會翻開 但是象征意義很大的書
本来应该做功课的夜晚
突然寫起字來
寫着寫着 感覺就比较沉着了
但是 有點小難過 感覺和記忆力都比以前差了
我覺得我的所有感官 都被手機上瘾症磨毁了
要快點戒掉

说真的
我的文青细胞突然開始蓬勃生長
我都忘了自己是來幹嘛的
這樣 一下沾一點
其實 有學到東西嗎
我也不知道
但是 我喜歡這樣的問題
下個星期的我
會想巴現在的自己
但是 這樣才是我 不是嗎

真的想要很努力保持住
那個离我越来越遠的理想

When you are looking at someone through the screen

And listening to delayed auditory signal

Somehow everything is different

Probably because it is dinner time

and apparently my friends are hungry

But it just felt so different

The dinner conversation that I missed

People I could lie on their bed and talk hours to

Felt different when they are behind the screen

I guess I am too lonely

and talked a bit too much about myself

When there is nothing to talk about

Actually I just wanted to hear more

To get updates and continue be part of your life

Even if I am far, far away

Like in different time zone

I miss my friends

Can't believe I am on Week 2
Constantly question why am I here and wtf am I doing
The more I know about what I had to do
The more I realize how ignorant I am
Coming here knowing nothing

Well, actually this is week 3
My 3rd Saturday
Everything else is perfect
(This sentence sounds too familiar isn't it)
Then it comes the "but"

Academically it is too early to say anything
But I am completely sure I will struggle hard
Like want to squeeze my brain juice out kind of hard
Everyone else is so experienced and established with published papers and stuff
I am this clueless bird that flies into the wrong window
I stammered when people ask me why do I want to do PhD
Because this is something I always wanted to do somewhere down the road?
When people ask me what is my project about
I get more awkward...why do I come all the way here?

But fortunately---as always
People here are really friendly.
All the other PhD students in my school are really approachable
Most of them are more matured than me and in another stage of life
I don't know why I am out of the circle everywhere lol
I miss iSports
My cultural gap and awkward communication still exists
Anyway they are really welcoming
and I had the first BBQ in a park, so Aussie style
(got lost and walked for 1 full hour......i got water bubbles down on my feet dy)
Luckily Jiahui is there or else I would be dead lost
And something I realized is I am still pretty much in the Asian group
Can't really get used to the Western over-expressionism I guess
Anyway I will try to slowly fit in
I hope I can, at least there is Spore and Korean jiejie haha

Financially I have not been particularly frugal
Spending lots of money on grocery shopping
Kitchen experiment is fun and life transforming
I made puff! and frozen pastry skin is miracle like literally everyone can be puff expert
And many other new things
Got a housemate that shares a similar interest in kitchen like me
But more into health junkie I guess
Makes me all sorts of smoothies and bloody red beetroot soup!
Well sometimes she gets more creative than me in the kitchen lol
QD Dark Kitchen meets challenger

Well, I gained lots of happiness and satisfaction from the kitchen
and maybe calories (even though I don't always feel like eating my own cooking)
but sometimes I feel like happiness is just carrot.
Carrot in the carrot and the stick theory
It gets you moving cause you are this gluttony donkey
But it is as impermanent as everything else in life
I guess this is just the beginning. Maybe I will get bored of it very soon.

Anyway the money thing is a big concern
V jiejie is telling me 5k is gonna fly away in like 2 months
Maybe I can stretch to 3-4 but that's all about it
Not helping in reducing my anxiety
But maybe I don't need help lol
I need more anxiety
I am really thankful for their suggestions though
Like they are more concerned than me and I am too chill
Anyway it was interesting to have conversations with people at the end stage of their PhD
Job seeking, PR seeking
Another stage of identity lost and omo go back to workface
Somehow it feels familiar
Like this will just be a 4 years detour and I will face the same problem all over again
No wonder my mum keep telling me we will figure out things after you graduate

I think the main reason for my guilt and anxiety is my parents
I should be having a decent job and a decent pay and bring them for tours once in a year
But in that one year that I worked, we did nothing like that
Which makes me feel pretty bad
Then it is going to be 4 years apart and when I got back (which I am not even sure if I will)
They are going to be so so old
I feel really bad about all this
But maybe I should stop feeling bad and take action
Like what my friends say
even 5usd translation job
That is money isnt it?

Do more when I have the time
Please do
Save yourself

起的比预计中迟
早餐吃着sunlight買来的面包
便当偷了屋友的姜葱酱用昨天的剩饭炒了姜葱炒饭
準备要出門才發現巴士票单程3.2aud
是抢劫嗎
单程耶 每天都要去的
可以不要这样对我嗎
concession application却很有效率的回我不行
我想我的student ID還没搞定吧
幹 需要有效率的却一直拖
以为這個需要兩個星期我提早申请的 不到一天就回复
天啊
我的打工申请這麽快有回复就好

然后想想 不也在这里第一个星期而已
是不是给自己太大压力了
可是 巴士一天就要七块了 有压力是应该的吧
不管了 今天去当半天游客再说

今天算是勾了大學清單裡的幾個項目

在草地上吃便當了

去了圖書館美術館

但是大學的美術館在更新展覽館所以只開放一半

所以也沒什麼心情逛

突然醒悟草地什麼的 是拿來顯擺的啦

總不能一直坐

不過坐在湖邊 看著跳著 游著 飛著的鳥

就是看著湖水波光靈動 也感覺歲月靜好

看心境吧

今天還莫名的一直下雨

又有點冷 真想說布里斯班的秋天我錯怪你了

去了一個小工作坊 真的很小 只有三個怪咖亞裔

然後旁聽了一場辯論

驚訝的發現今天有hidden figure免費放映會

但是今天佳人有約啊

然後 很難過的發現期待已久的瑜伽班取消了

因為只有我一個報名

好像真的要感歎 就算到了萬人大學

我有興趣的東西 還是很小眾

Anyway 大脑的工作坊還是學到新東西

瑜伽下次還會有的

而且發現south bank也有免費workout

感覺開心了 雖然。。。我好像不是運動咖

今天的重點是終於去到southbank和市區

遊客區 河邊 公共泳池 古跡區

所以感覺很良好了現在

還有看了大學給的手冊 

我覺得接下來三年

都可以有很多東西慢慢探索

我就滿足了

感覺有點小小愛上了

可能因為有本地人指路吧

有農產市場 藝術市場 多姿多彩的免費活動

個性書店 唐人街 多到不行的公園

這樣 我就滿意了

雖然人是有點多 不過 唉 

我已經放棄躲避人潮了

畢竟 靠我也撐不起這些市場不是嗎

也很感恩朋友的朋友

讓我第一次發現這麽多新奇

還有加长了我的to go list

我想 在這里生活三年 我做好准备了

寫到第三天就有點懒惰了
因為日子终於開始变充实了
但是朋友們说得對
去到大學 我就會開心了
真的 很很很雀跃 不過真的好像進大觀院呵呵

首先 很有成就
大清早成功起来弄飲料弄早餐
還不小心發現有童鞋躲在欧洲思考人生
突然好羡慕赚新币的朋友😂😂

然後走了四十分钟的路
终于到我未来三年的家啦
好在我解读谷歌地图训练有素
完全没有迷路
还很聪明的找到地图
在校园也探索无碍
自我感覺很良好

但是真的有被学校震撼到
太大 太多人 好像一個城市了
不過里面有一百栋建筑物就小不到哪里吧
重点是 好多人 车水马龙 人来人往的
不是甚麽 只是覺得這麽多學生 就業前景很堪忧
Ps. 来到這里之後我平均每天發出五分简历
希望他們只是反应慢 而不是没有人叟我
其實 世界很完美 只要找到工作 我就OK了
不過還有 雖然那麽多人
不過大家人来人往 是要怎麽交朋友啦

学校太大一日游来不及参观
頭髮太丑不想拍照
但是至少SV超nice
带我逛逛還请我喝巧克力
负责姐姐也算OK
不過电脑不是新的
只是學生卡 银行卡 都要等几天 天啊
明天 也许我去市区游客一日游好了

机缘巧合之下跟A姐姐一起吃午餐
跟着长袖善舞的姐姐也好
认识了很多未来同窗 很国际化的团队
从韩国越南新加坡伊朗澳洲的都有
还蛮令人期待的
而且我的座位还跟A姐姐背对背
但是看到未来的区域只是一个电脑桌
我晕
不是为了逃避朝九晚五才出国的吗
怎么突然把自己困在朝八晚五的desk Job
Omg背叛我的人生原则
希望研究生生活比我有限的想象更有趣
不然 快点找幅墙给我

回到家 又发现恐怖的事
原来屋友还没交上审核表
她说要去投诉但是表格还是要交的啊
我晕
不過话说回来 经纪不肯定地址 也太扯了吧
别提我的信是要迷路去哪里
写对地址 邮差都很难找到了
现在就算了 突然觉得银行哥哥让银行把卡寄到分行而不是我家 太聪明了

有几点小得意
终于煮到像样的一餐了
雖然食材很有限
然後成功杀价把洗衣机杀到一百块
太感动了
不过最后因为屋友银行问题 今天拿不到 好难过
希望明天会搞定

Ps. 媽媽因為我嘴唇脱皮開始drama我好想哭 居然問我裂的话会爛會细菌感染會发炎嗎 媽媽你要長常識 不然我每次看到你的"我好担心"我會很晕

明天有人约我吃晚餐好開心 是不是时候来個游客天啊