So I gave myself a long break
Before the actual holiday comes
And I am proud to say, I earned it

Too tired of the non-stop I dont care about this but I need to do this work
It feels sinful to have holiday
To have whole day to myself without a to-do-list waiting for me

If we are always chasing the time,
What do we really hold in our hand?

As what I cute grandfather said,
there was a time,
when people are free.
Really free.
You only work during the day and when the sun sets
You will have time to sit and chat with your loved one at the front yard
Simply lie down and gaze at the sky and do nothing
Just live.
Work for the meals, make shirts and shoes for the family and nothing much beyond.

When we need to stay with our laptop till midnight/dawn and being chased by deadline everyday
I wonder where all the time flies
Does it really make our life better?

其实也好希望 自己可以好好驾驭自己的情绪
今天 低落了一整天 都觉得眼泪汪汪
今天是该开心的 有很多东西好庆祝
但是看到一些人 一些事 我就忍不住变成一只喷火的龙
张嘴狂喷 但伤到的 总是旁边的无辜百姓

发现自己原来可以很双面人
一头摆臭脸 一转头对另一个人 笑得我自己都觉得好腻
金牛是可以很别扭的 永远不说为什么生气
永远不当面解决问题 只会生闷气 折磨自己 然后发泄在熟人身上
很不健康 我知道 但是 牛性难改

想说 老大不小了 不能再这样任性了
不是每个人 都骂不跑的
不是每个人 被你呼喝后 会乖乖照做 还会回头安慰你

而且 你凭什么生气
别人 明明就尽义务了
你自己 践踏别人也时常有的事
当作是 自己拿苦来吃也好 报应也好
这口气 吞下 哭出来 二选一
别收着了 伤身

Didn't realize I am a loner and control freak until I start to do group work
Wtf wtf wtf
Burning flames right now
Sometimes I wish I can dump everyone and just go ahead myself
Dont need to wait for "stomachache" friends
Dont need to secretly expecting help and anything
Nothing. I am perfectly fine doing things myself
But I am perfectly aware that I can't do everything myself as well

So I waited
So I put on smiley faces and cued
So I trained my patience and counselled myself
And waited, in the best way I can

I don't like to be late
I don't like to be unprofessional
I don't like to do things half way
I don't like to send in stuffs that can't even pass my own QC
I don't like to blame people as well

But sometimes it gets so tiring
I just wanna lie back at the bed and close my eyes
Then I wonder, if I am the only one who care about this, why should I care?
Then I force myself to think about the greater outlook
And I have the strength to go on
But I am still mad at these people

I have this quirky mind
I am rationally enough to logically analyse the reason
I am perfectly sensible and can emphatize with their reasons (or the lack of it)
But I can't hide or bury the anger
Because this is the last defense I have
Anger, that probably hurt myself more than it hurt others
When everyone thought so well for themselves
I just want to shout at their face
"What about the group? What about the others? What about me?"

Maybe I will forgot this soon
Maybe I can still smile at you
But I want you to know, it is different
My protection mechanism is make myself better and stronger
So I can handle everything MYSELF in time of need
In case we met again
Hope you figured out a better way
Or you will feel the same when you meet someone as demanding and unreasonable like me.

Good luck for us.

PS. I am really angry after waiting for one hour at the bus stop.

Initially I hooked on this research because of the supervisor
Yea I am idiot like this because I am too afraid to be under someone I dont want
Or because, there are no other topics I like around

Now that I am really on the field doing it,
I started to love it.
Simply because the wide variety of people I met and talked to
And the reality I saw(part of, maybe?)
I see the desperate need for our services
I see how we should connect to the community because there is this big gap.
There are teachers out there who are eager to help the students but don't know how.
There are parents who make their way through painful experiments
You can sense from their eyes and voice how desperate they are

It is like everyone is holding out their arms to ask for help
But we are not answering.
Because there are too many people shouting and we can only do this much.
So in the end they do it their own way with multiple trial and error
In the end they dont think they need SLP anymore.
Sad fact.

Now this is my story.
I am gonna write it well because I know, it can make a difference.
Stories connect people and bring energy
Stories open your eyes and connect you to all those people out there
Stories let you found evidences, you are not alone, there are some souls in unknown corner doing something, which might be similar with you in some way

Which is why we need stories.
To let people with the same calling find the bridge to reach each other

And this is what I aspire to do.
______________________________________________________________________________

我想，我愛的，還是聽故事
總覺得故事 是最珍貴的禮物
因為分享的 是人生

其實這兩個月在雪隆瞎闖的時候
曾經想一輩子當好命的乘客的我
就開始妄想 在這裡開車
真的 打的士好貴 我要去的地方都莫名的難找
可是 連想都不用想
我的駕駛水平 真的只能在鄉間沒人的馬路 橫衝直撞而已
況且 車在哪裡 油錢在哪裡

所以 這兩個月
坐过很久很久的巴士（可以去马六甲了）
訓練自己 坐的士的時候不要看跳表
厚著臉皮 找車 找司機
為了這個論文 我真的去了好幾個從來沒去過 也不可能會去的地方
有時也覺得自己 好像太認真了

昨天 終於自己鼓起勇氣 車主也鼓起勇氣
讓我 握起方向盤 當起司機來了
我不是一個安全的駕駛人士
吉隆坡的馬路和車 還是很混亂 很嚇人
所以 平安的繞過軍營 山區 不知名的住宅區 火車站
對我來說 是個值得紀念的 #achievementunlocked

感恩
有不放心讓我駕車 的你
願意借時間給我的你
願意借我車的你
願意坐我車的你

感恩你們 讓我相信自己
我的大膽程度 又升級了