Another week

So finally can say goodbye to my clinic and also 518

I was counting down for this day

Thought it would be "phewww finally back to normal life" moment

But apparently life is never easy

I just fall from a sleep-deprived week to another crazier week

Closer to dateline with a longer to do list fml

First time ending a camp with negative emotion

The moment I dragged my bag and crossed the road

I was like an explosive fire ball

Am so stressed that I can't help with the cleaning up

I tell myself: If you can't do something whole-heartedly and willingly, don't do it.

So I came back earlier, irregardless of the consequence

When I am working on our presentation slides straight till midnight

with less than 8 hours of sleep in 3 days

I really feel like I would collapse like I can close my eyes anywhere

But after getting some rest this afternoon

I finally get out of the I-might-close-my-eyes-anytime mode

and feeling normal again

I guess it is part of my sleep-deprived symptom

So yeah, this is the biggest camp we ever organized

With nearly 600 participants and 300 committee member,

It is just soooo huge for me to handle lol

This is the first time I took up the responsibility as the Coordinator(little one among giants)

I should feel very very proud. 

For all the effort we poured in these two months, all the meeting in KJ, all the spamming emails 

finally bear the fruit that we want

But no. I don't have the sense of accomplishment. Not a little.

I always believe in one principle.

The more you contribute, the more you gain.

For this time being, or for quite some time, I wasn't being the contributing one.

No hard work, no sense of achievement. Fair enough.

But if you ask me did I feel 

No regret. Maybe little.

No regret for taking up the post because I really learned a lot,

and there will never be a good timing.

But also little regret because I did not put in my best and 

I guess I forgot the motto I always repeat to myself during high school.

Never do things that will make you regret.

Sometimes I wonder since when I became so selfish

Irresponsible. Detached. Cold

My fittest survive theory tell me my priority come first, 

because if I don't solve my own problem,

No one else can/will help and you are the only one bearing the direct consequence.

I know this is bad for social survival

But I can't unlearn it now

Just like I can't turn of my judgemental eye

After a camp, all the comments turned so positive

Great job! Everyone is wonderful! Daebak!

Like all the mess never occured and we created a dream camp together.

But I knew, there were so many imperfections

There are so many things that could be better

I can't truly congratulate the committee nor myself sincerely

I can thank everyone for their contribution, be grateful things went well, 

but to congratulate on the success,

I just can't say out things I am not fully convinced of.

Being able to see from behind the scene

Also endowed me with a new perspective

Due to my grey mood recently, my view was grey too.

Being the pampered particpants and being the committee is just so different

I guess I just haven't adapt to my new role,

That's why I got really annoyed with the demanding act of some people

And behind the all wonderful stage there is a lot of hard moments.

Struggle, negotiation, compromise, endless discussion

But what touches me the most is all the

Who contribute and give everything out conditionlessly

They attend the meeting more frequently and punctually than us 

even though they have career and family to take care of

They are the strongest pillar and without them,

SERIOUSLY We couldn't make it without them.

I couldn't be more grateful to them.

刻意經營的感動，還是感動嗎？

Despite all the negativeness I did enjoyed the process

It was truly a learning and growing process

Being the coordinator, putting my feet in everything is fun

This is when I really see how every group function together to make this camp works

The part I enjoyed the most is actually the labour work

Not the walkie-talkie 5 more mins, get ready! part

Randomly washed dishes together

Arranged all the table chair with the minion army and worked like kuli

Because these are the most down-to-earth act

最踏實的 用行動來付出

Guess my lack of satisfaction is because I don't really get to interact much with people especially the participants.

I need to realign my focus.

Looking at all these people, 

When they go all out to invite people to this camp

When the committee wake up at 3am,

Carrying things around and sweating all day without rest and meals

Did anyone asked?

What are we working for actually.

We worked so hard to present this camp to the particpants.

But I doubt any committee member actually know the content that we are delivering

What talks and video are they watching?

What is all this camp about?

They just have this faith------this worth the effort.

But did we really fulfill our mandate?

Now I question.

I can't resist my sarcasm of asking really at the end of every statement >.<

They are the answer to my questions,

Reading through the reflection of the participants,

other than laughing at some funny remarks

I am really searching for the answer and reassurance that I need.

All these feedback matter to me.

In fact, these are what matter the most.

I need them to tell me they enjoyed it. They benefited. They felt our effort.

Then yes, I can say it is all worth it.

Then I can ignore all the other flaws 

I just need that little assurance.

Maybe I just need to find back the 最初的感動

Like this fella.

I had the same feeling too. Years ago.

When I first get exposed to all these thing.

Guess I am numb from hearing the same tagline for years

Reminding myself, there is a reason why you are still here.

Have faith in your action and choice

Life is too short to waste on things that you don't enjoy

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Not being myself recently

Or this is the ugly-monster me finally coming out

Been spitting fire at everyone and acting impulsively all the time

Annoyed peple with my "I don't care" cause I really don't

Losing passion in life is one of the worst thing that can happen to one

Found no reason to motivate myself

Lost direction

When this truly affect my quality of life, I know things went wrong.

So wrong I don't even know where to start

In moment like this, all I need is just some sleep and a book to read

But this just seems like such a luxury

Just like I know I am gonna pay for wasting time in writing blog lol

I need to find back my flow and end this social suicide tendency

I need to find back my life.

L.I.F.E