Eternal flight from myself to myself

First post of 2018.

I am pretty glad I achieved some of my resolution in the very first month of 2018
Firstly, I finally became a UQ casual staff and got a job as casual tutor!
I am totally clueless about the job but I am just happy to be given this opportunity

This year is gonna be exciting!
Academic/career wise there is gonna be a whole lot of milestone
Firstly of course is confirmation
Secondly preparing my first paper
and launching my first study (btw finally submitting my ethics but with minor GLARING error blurring my excitementttt)
and really really hoping to be able to attend IARC in Portugal this year but i pooooooor and also not sure if I have anything to present
So many doubts and so many unattainable peaks

Still trying very hard to avoid my self-depreciation
But I can't stop comparing
My colleagues---some were 40 years old experienced clinician, some were head of department while some were honors holder younger than me
BUT
Everyone is doing great stuff, wrote so well, juggling many huge responsibility and just shining
while I struggle to get a simple introduction right
I can't seem to get rid of the feeling that my presence here is more luck than competency
Of course having to struggle financially took a lot of time away from me
But honestly I am not exactly using any time to hone my writing skills or read academically
So I only have myself to blame

But well, I am here
I just have to grind through this journey which will definitely take more than 3 years
Endure and accepting being a poor student while my friends buying house, car and owing businesses
I think the most unbearable part is the loneliness
No one knows exactly what you are doing even though you try to explain and share
Sometimes I am at lost too. Exploring new territory and experimenting over and over again to find the right method to get the answer I want is not a very comfortable experience for me
I wish there is a step by step guideline and everything just falls according to plan
Spending months building up something just to be told to change a whole new approach sucks. Very sucks. Especially when every month counts. 

I think I am definitely feeling more grounded after meetings with my sv this month
Because I finally have more sense of direction and have a more achievable realistic goal
Even though the project is far from what I planned out in the beginning
Or even further from what I wanted to do (I feel really bad about clinicians I talked to because I feel like I gave them false hope......................................)
But it is good to know where I am moving toward and knowing I am closer to it by every step

Also I like the fact that I am slowly reaching out to people
I just need people to hangout with
I mean I am fine with solo whatever shopping exploring dining
But sometimes I just need some exchange and external input?
You just feel your mind going stale after being kept out from the world
And this is such an international city with so many newcomers I should find my clan right
I still talk to friends in Malaysia more than anyone in Brissy and now listening to Malaysia radio most of the time (Can someone just teleport me back home?)
I don't think this is healthy (though I still 100% <3 everyone back home)
So this year I reach out more and I am glad I did (the many new students help too)
Even though people I am closer to are all moving to Melbourne soon (WHYYYYYYY I know Brissy is boring but still............)
It feels good to build new connection and realizing what I had been missing before this
I just had to reach out more :)
Remind me to smile and initiate conversation even if I am tired please
Looking at new students with noob face but super good at striking conversation with EVERYONE
Even the seriously looking Iraqi uncle I am impressed.
I need to learn this skill lol

Anyway, my goal of the year is to stop worrying about money and develop my slash skills
TOP OF THE LIST is to quit subway and stop worrying about money
Really really hope I might get lottery (or scholarship but actually both also very unrealistic) but at least a grant
I need my money rain seriously
And also just learn more. A lot more.
Let's hope everything turn out alright and I survive
:) 2018 is gonna be great. and huge. and I hope I am ready for it.