Posted by Qi... on 10:13

After 7 years, I still don't understand the extent of shit I got myself into.



Posted by Qi... on 20:52

First post of 2018.

I am pretty glad I achieved some of my resolution in the very first month of 2018
Firstly, I finally became a UQ casual staff and got a job as casual tutor!
I am totally clueless about the job but I am just happy to be given this opportunity

This year is gonna be exciting!
Academic/career wise there is gonna be a whole lot of milestone
Firstly of course is confirmation
Secondly preparing my first paper
and launching my first study (btw finally submitting my ethics but with minor GLARING error blurring my excitementttt)
and really really hoping to be able to attend IARC in Portugal this year but i pooooooor and also not sure if I have anything to present
So many doubts and so many unattainable peaks

Still trying very hard to avoid my self-depreciation
But I can't stop comparing
My colleagues---some were 40 years old experienced clinician, some were head of department while some were honors holder younger than me
Everyone is doing great stuff, wrote so well, juggling many huge responsibility and just shining
while I struggle to get a simple introduction right
I can't seem to get rid of the feeling that my presence here is more luck than competency
Of course having to struggle financially took a lot of time away from me
But honestly I am not exactly using any time to hone my writing skills or read academically
So I only have myself to blame

But well, I am here
I just have to grind through this journey which will definitely take more than 3 years
Endure and accepting being a poor student while my friends buying house, car and owing businesses
I think the most unbearable part is the loneliness
No one knows exactly what you are doing even though you try to explain and share
Sometimes I am at lost too. Exploring new territory and experimenting over and over again to find the right method to get the answer I want is not a very comfortable experience for me
I wish there is a step by step guideline and everything just falls according to plan
Spending months building up something just to be told to change a whole new approach sucks. Very sucks. Especially when every month counts. 

I think I am definitely feeling more grounded after meetings with my sv this month
Because I finally have more sense of direction and have a more achievable realistic goal
Even though the project is far from what I planned out in the beginning
Or even further from what I wanted to do (I feel really bad about clinicians I talked to because I feel like I gave them false hope......................................)
But it is good to know where I am moving toward and knowing I am closer to it by every step

Also I like the fact that I am slowly reaching out to people
I just need people to hangout with
I mean I am fine with solo whatever shopping exploring dining
But sometimes I just need some exchange and external input?
You just feel your mind going stale after being kept out from the world
And this is such an international city with so many newcomers I should find my clan right
I still talk to friends in Malaysia more than anyone in Brissy and now listening to Malaysia radio most of the time (Can someone just teleport me back home?)
I don't think this is healthy (though I still 100% <3 everyone back home)
So this year I reach out more and I am glad I did (the many new students help too)
Even though people I am closer to are all moving to Melbourne soon (WHYYYYYYY I know Brissy is boring but still............)
It feels good to build new connection and realizing what I had been missing before this
I just had to reach out more :)
Remind me to smile and initiate conversation even if I am tired please
Looking at new students with noob face but super good at striking conversation with EVERYONE
Even the seriously looking Iraqi uncle I am impressed.
I need to learn this skill lol

Anyway, my goal of the year is to stop worrying about money and develop my slash skills
TOP OF THE LIST is to quit subway and stop worrying about money
Really really hope I might get lottery (or scholarship but actually both also very unrealistic) but at least a grant
I need my money rain seriously
And also just learn more. A lot more.
Let's hope everything turn out alright and I survive
:) 2018 is gonna be great. and huge. and I hope I am ready for it. 



Posted by Qi... on 17:02
Literally crying my eyes red in the meeting
For no reason
Things hormone made me do lol
I blame hormone entirely
Sure it was a REALLY REALLY FREAKING frustrating meeting
But seriously after lying underneath my favorite lakeside tree for a while
I can't remember why I am crying

Life is certainly not at its best point
But not the worst too
Been through days when I have to work like shit for days
This seeking process, at least it is not physically and mentally exhausting
Or at least it is not a meaningful one
It is not like I had to clean the glass microwave table cabinet floor everyday only for it to be messed up again the very next day
Despite constant warning from my supervisor,
I am feeling pretty safe about getting through
I hope I am not over confident
But I need to keep this faith

And I am coming home!
Literally jumping with joy just thinking about it
Maybe that is what I could do today
Just planning about what to do when I am back
I am way too lucky to find someone to take my room when I'm away too
Can't really bear to burn the $600 rent while I am jobless
So things are working out

You just have to hang in there
Hang in there
3 weeks. Just 3 weeks and you can be on full holiday mode (hopefully)


Good day

Posted by Qi... on 17:20
I can't recall when is the last time I spend a full day in uni
Probably very long ago
Because today when I actually get to do so
That blissful feeling is so overwhelming I felt like being hugged by a huge teddy bear
Just. So. Good.

It was pure bliss, literally
Attended a workshop with brilliant speaker talking about fellowship which I might never qualify but totally broaden my view about my career prospect
Had interestinge exchanges with colleagues about their first lecture, first overseas conference and maybe just yoga and good dimsum
Had a good meeting with sv---even though my draft is being diminised to nothing and I basically had to work from scratch, but I like those moments of enlightment when they pointed me something new that I never knew before.
Today I learned about the behavior change wheel which----I am yet to read about
But simply hearing new terminologies that I never knew lighted up so many bulbs in my head. 
This is why I am here right. To learn. To be inspired. To absorb something new.
I just wish it could be more.

Uni itself is great too!
Had my free dose of long black from the art museum and enjoyed some quality do-nothing time under a blooming jacaranda tree, just lying on a bench, looking at the falling purple flowers and rest
I am this easily satisfied lol
Seriously the hacaranda is so pretty I am planning a picnic by the lake!
Now we are heading to sushi train (with sweet and sour pork on the train wtf) to end the day.
I don't mind being stuck in uni if everyday is this good lol :) 

Now I really don't want to go back to work lol


Procrastination mode on

Posted by Qi... on 22:22

It is almost the end of the month
I was gonna write something after 31st August but today my procrastination mode is so strong
I just want to waste time
After scrolling everything on fb and insta
Here I am

Today I did my first close all by myself
Sort of an achievement even though I could not reach the 1 hour goal and had to do unpaid work
Took me 1.5hr to close a shop fml
And the boss had to be around the "check stock"
idk whether he is checking stock or checking me lol
Cause I had to go through a 5 day intensive training before I can handle a close independently
But apparently everyone else only had a day or two
Not too sure is it because I am new or I am slow
But all is well
I had to close from Monday to Saturday this whole week
That is 6 times of washing and wiping the whole store lol fml
Tbh the cleaning I did in this month is more than what I did in my whole life
Only mop my apartment once after I moved in ok
The things money made me do----------------like I seriously doubt what will I agree to if people offer me a huge sum of money lol

So apparently I had been working too much
Maybe 35 hours this week?
But I am only working half as much for the coming week I promise
Colleagues all asking me how do I cope
When I work 7 days a week
"Don't you go to uni?"
Yes, I do, but not much lol
I definitely need a recalibration
It is so hard for me to say no to money lol. and also because it so very hard for me to say no in general
For now it is a good distraction I guess
Cause uni work is boring. Plain boring like I need conscious focus to do it
Which is why having to work---having to force myself to complete uni task of the day in 3-4hour is pretty effective
Ethics is kind of annoying but I really need to work on it
And filtering studies for review isn't the most interesting thing in the world------I am learning a lot about disease name---autoimmune disease, neural disorder and stuff but still, had to force myself to keep scrolling lol
But I working on these
Slowly moving but moving with a pace that my sv is happy with (IDK how low their expectation toward me is lol)
At least I have answers when friends ask me how are you doing with your study lol

Sometimes I miss working in a hospital
But most of the time I forgot I had ever been a speech therapist
Until I met someone with stuttering today
I am not too sure if I could ever go back
I am not even sure if I want to
Unless when it is when my family needed help
That is the only time I wish I knew more
And I just hate it when that happens

I can totally understand when my supervisor say some people came for PhD but in the end they just stopped and work instead
The money is really not bad
And it can blind you for a while----like how it can make me wake up at 4.30am and do everything I have never did
But for me working in Subway is a lot of learning
I am taking extra classes to learn about life
From cleaning to multitask to interacting with people to get mundane but necessary things right
Everything is still new to me
I know it seems easy to everyone else
But it is not for me

And there are moments that bring me joy
Although I had new realizations about my limitation in bonding and interacting with people (*I am a socially awkward penguin with very selective conversation preference lol*)
But I still love those small glittery moments
When I could remember someone's order and made a dark face uncle smile
Or when someone told me you made my sandwich really nice I appreciate it
Or when someone feels so happy when you give them a little compliment
I just love making people smile
And these are so much more easier than whipping up a therapy plan and trying to change someone's behavior
I know it is very unfair to compare and I have no plan to progress my career in Subway
But Idk. There are jobs that are easy on your brain and soul but why am I doing this to myself lol
I like Ayden didi ask me. Sounds like this is not something you really want to do.
I am trying to reverse a mistake I made years ago
This might take 10 years but I will be there

Life is all good
Evening and weekends are full of free events meetups bookclubs
I have enough nutrition for my creative and curious mind
Also Friday morning yoga class in uni is bliss! Too bad the instructor leaving in two weeks what am I gonna do
Sometimes I am all tired after work and just want to lie down
But I am beginning to try more on eating out---cause finally got more money lol
Making new friends but still no hang out mates
That is the only point I miss
I dont know am I asking for too much
But I need friends who I can tell everything about
Because right now, all I do is pester my friends online lol
It is like those Buzzfeed post---when you only have two best friend and they are busy
I basically talk to myself in the chat box
But I have so many things to share! from silly things I do to random observation to online videos I discover
Ahhh apparently an instagram account is not enough lol
Best friend please come back from vacation fast haha
I would say life is not bad
Other than my constant solitude

By the way
I am finally going to Toowoomba!
This weekend!
I hope, if nothing goes wrong on my meeting this Friday
Dont have the courage to buy the ticket yet but I am anticipating
One week off the reality
How luxurious---think about no income for a week but still having to pay the bills
But I needed this

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