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攀不上的幸運

Posted by Qi... on 15:05

有時 我覺得自己現在的一切
是我攀不上的幸運
(還是不夠努力的結果 科科)
連印度姐姐都說了
你能來到這裡 真的很幸運
好吧 我就相信了

機會和幸運 是給做好準備的人的
我覺得我沒做好準備
就跳上飛機了
現在 只好努力的抓著翅膀 避免自己掉下來

這個learning curve好大 好大
身邊的人 好像都比自己懂得多 想的快 經驗多
只是 有時心裡的魔鬼總會跳出來
在想 怎麼我沒有得到好康獎學金
怎麼 老師不推薦我工作
窮 真的會磨人心志
感覺自己的想法 也越來越酸 越自我貶抑

看著身邊比自己努力 強 幸運的人  太多了
很多時候 在感嘆自己遭遇不好的同時
我也在問很多憑什麼
自己這麼混混沌沌過日子
竟然也混到念研究生了
是不是應該
好好認真努力了

只是 有時候在想
要多努力 才夠
我只想 不勞永逸
偏沒生一個公主命
要過得舒服點
好像只能慢慢爬

眼前要爬的山很高
看不到盡頭
爬到累了 就會想巴自己
幹嘛這麼想不開 自討苦吃
不過 都卡在半山了
總得爬完吧

事情會慢慢變好的對不對
至少 終於找到工作了
所以是時候把羨慕怨嘆收起來
認真努力 勞役自己了


0

兩年

Posted by Qi... on 10:08

所以 你不在 兩年了
媽媽跟我說今天是你的忌日的時候
(因為去年她沒告訴我 我事後知道訓了她一下
今年直接提早一星期通知)
我就問了 所以我有要做什麼嗎
老爸說 阿公是不會去到澳洲那麼遠看我的
所以 今天我就和朋友烤肉去了
本來在想 應不應該吃素的

兩年 好像很久了
但是我還是很常跟朋友說
『我阿公喜歡這個』,『我阿公會這樣』
很多剛認識的朋友都以為 你還在
你不在 這句話 還是很難啟齒
馬來話一句berat hati 是真的
可是至少 我不會眼眶泛紅
也沒有再亂亂哭啦
時間久了 真的就能平復很多情緒

但是
昨天 去了一趟三時繫念
前排站著一位白髮慈祥的老公公
一直對我笑
害我突然有點哽咽
其實他們長得一點都不像
我阿公也不會那麼慈祥的笑
而且 事後我發現
他可能其實只是要閃耀眼的陽光 所以一直轉過來
然後是在尷尬的對我們笑
不過我的重點是
我的淚腺 一遇到白髮大叔 還是很發達的

迴向的時候
本來是想迴向給你的 然後在想 是不是要寫個牌位
但是想想 希望你已經在另一個世界
過著更好的生活
這些多餘的 你都不需要了
愛別離苦 我會學著適應的

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Officially quarter life

Posted by Qi... on 09:46

"As members of a thinking species on a small planet in a giant universe, with no more than 80 to 90 years of life, I think it is wrong to sit on our haunches and enjoy economic well-being. We are, after all, in a great race for life against death, for knowledge against ignorance, for exploring and understanding the world around us before the big contraction or crash or whatever comes next. And hard work is the only way forward."


I guess I fast-forward into quarter-life crisis few years back
(Always an early worrier >.<)
But here I am, 25, jobless and prospectless
This is definitely a legit reason to worry lol

Entering a new age at a foreign country
Where I am still very new is very different
I am trying to keep this low and make myself feel small
So I didn't let anyone in the school know lol
But secretly I am anticipating a surprise birthday party
Which of course only exist in my wildest imagination
Anyway I need to shout out a big thank you
Subway Hakataya Boost BR Nandos for cheering me up
When most of my friends at home are ignorant of my bday lol
And also my hommie, for the present and cake and company

Omg I'm in a new age category in most surveys now
That pisses me off a little bit
And also meaning I am in another stage of life
Where I should be doing something
But well, I am doing a postgraduate degree
Which might or might not be useful

Anyway
I am still grateful and happy about my life
Finally get more time to focus on what I want to do and learn
Living a life too chilly until I feel stressed
Starting on a project very intimidating but I'm on it
and I am adapting to the new life pretty well
Don't think I love Brisbane until I want to stay here forever
But the more I get to know it,
The more I like it
And it's good, right?
For me to like the city I'm in
Hopefully the life that comes with it too

My wish for this year?
Get a job
Get my projectsss done--develop a second interest/career
Keep learning--effectively
Travel with family
Stay happy

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April list review

Posted by Qi... on 08:58
As usual, I like to set a to-do-list which is not really realistic
But I am kind of proud of my achievement in first month
10/15 items ticked!
But I haven't achieve the most important item
So yeah I need to really put effort there
Cause it is get a job or perish situation

I think I'm on a path of self destruction lol
Other than the very gloomy prospect of me getting a job in Malaysia after this
I am everywhere again
 Thinking about places that I should go and things I should do
As always, I am looking forward to go somewhere else

It is definitely too early to think about post graduation plan
But that's what's in my mind recently
I'm tempted to study more Idk why lol
Academic institution always give me this illusion
I love the atmosphere of being in a uni
On one hand I'm excited to learn about many other things and thinking about post-doc or fellowship
Another hand I'm just tired of these endless path
And my wish to just stay at some lakeside house and tend a farm grow stronger lol
Sometimes I wonder why I always strike off this thought
It is not entirely a bad idea
But why am I so resistant toward leaving all these meaningless pursuit behind

I'm tired of thinking about ways of living that fulfill societal expectation
It's like a race that you already know the ending of it
At the end I will gain certain amount of fortune, some property maybe, with a family and (too hard for me to imagine) maybe kids
No one will win over time and we all come to the same ending
So why the hell do we need to fight and work so hard
and put off the pleasure and fun
 I guess I am growing more and more radical in this sense
But yeah, I am looking for a motivation for me to stick to the "right" path

Maybe I am really "money monk"
According to Internet, that means I think money is evil and will not put it as my lifegoal
While I feel slightly jealous about how rich people have so many choices
But like what ma biatch said, don't compare
I'm learning that, but that sour feeling still seeps out once in a while

I don't know if that means me wasting away my life
But yes a nun cooking and planting her own food in a monastery sounds like a dream plan lol
Let's not get too carried away lol
I've learned over the time plan doesn't work
So maybe I can just start with creating a more practical list for May

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First month ramble

Posted by Qi... on 19:37
So I had my first interview today
Like finally.
But damn I sort of know why I am unemployed till now
Well I am not exactly the assertive type
Which is exactly why I am always in a disadvantage in interview, especially group interview
I need someone who can see right through me and see my potential
Well, that is not gonna happen unless I am lucky till shooting star shoot right into my house

But yeah it had been a wonderful interview experience
I am really glad to have the opportunity
To listen about what different occupation do and some current issues
I do really hope I can get the job
It sorts of fit my principle and lucrative too
But imagining skipping uni....sounds a bit bad for me even though I know it is permissible

Anyway my money anxiety loosen a bit when I got the first payment from uni
But then I got wired up again about whether this is going to last me long enough
Anyway good to see money coming in than flowing out
Haih money. Forever an issue
Checked out the tickets during Xmas
Its gonna take at least 500aud whyyyy
Another money issueeeee

Well anyway I am getting really tired of sending resume and cover letters
But not tired enough to walk in and beg people hire me yet
So I need luck. A lot of luck
Let's hope I get another call soon.

p.s. Walked and hang out in a park after my interview
So I "ponteng" for the day
I guess my standard of park peaked after coming back from Portland
Now, in Aussie park, I will be like can you don't call a field with some tree and benches park?
They are way different thing
But yeah, I really like how Aussie are so chill....anyday anytime there are people sitting lying and reading in the park
That is good
God knows how much conscious effort I need to get off my phone (Sorry too anxious)
To just look at the ripples on the river and do nothing
Yes it felt totally therapeutic but I am still anxiously waiting for calls

Then I get hooked on a netflix documentary Chef's Table
Probably most attractive show I've seen this year
Because of this post
http://www.cocomy.net/post/420668
Well I had been telling others I wanted to be a nun and I will be but no one takes me seriously
But this is my dream lol
Out of the world, in a small hut, planting and cooking fresh from the farm
Oh watching through the show make me feel more and more attracted to a farm and just live in a small village farm
But god knows why I am stretching myself further from my ideal life

Academic wise
Well as usual things are still on track I think
Academically my procrastination get me hide in my cave on a reading and movie mode
But as usual these Aussie lecturers like to give you all the too positive sounding encouragement
and  am just a little bit frustrated with the speed things are going
Way to slow than what I would like but yeah probably I should speed it up
Let;s see what we can do this week
But.....next Monday is another holiday
Omg too many I don't know how to handle lol

Just get things rolling I think it will all fall in place one day
Maybe I just need more time. Or work harder. Or an opportunity
Hoping for the best

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