0

Bubbling up

Posted by Qi... on 11:06
I think my level of anxiety is going to get higher and higher over this week
So so high
I am already having nightmares about work
Last week of work and so many things undone

Woke up early and came to work before 8am today
Sent in 2 job application and searched for more scholar today
Whenever I sent out an application I am in this deep pithole of self doubt
I don't know where I stand in this wide wide world
Whether I should feel hopeful or hopeless among all the competitors (and I don't even know how many of them)

Colleagues had been reminding me, oh it is your last week
I think my apathy and coldness is slowly showing
Or my social awkwardness and poor ability of expressing
I cant resonate with the sadness they express
Maybe I do feel something, but I can't voice it out
My feeling is a mess. Big big mess only words can organize

Anyway
Hope everything went well this week


0

7 hours to Penang

Posted by Qi... on 21:30

Ok I need a deep breath
I think this weekend is a little too exhausting for me, my distachment from my mobile data is killing me and maybe long bus trip too suitable to think about life that it always bring me to the brink of crying

Maybe I have a long to do list and I felt stressed
More cover letter and CVs
More emails to people I am afraid to talk to
More reading is needed
And I need to settle everything at work---from the messy desktop to the files and reports and handouts

I guess I just feel lost
Like any other soul down to their last hundreds at the age of 25
I had been thinking a lot about what I am doing with my life
Not only financially, though that's a big big concern
But basically everything
Professionally and to my patients
My promised toward myself and my never starting project
And my super vague future
Giving up everything and going into a life where I can only support myself with part time jobs I have yet to find stressed me up
Not to mention my guilt toward my parents
Every random remarks they throw are like tear jerker I kid you not

Some might feel like I'm being reckless and irresponsible
Those that knows research and study isn't all that glamorous after all
But I really need this so so much
Cause I failed so hard at what I do now
Or what I'm not doing instead
And I need a way out
A place that makes me repeat what I am doing everyday is not good for me
That, I know for sure
One day I might be thankful to that lady for treating me so bad cause she makes me courageous enough to take the leap
Cause I just need a switch of path

Sometimes I wonder what do I seek in life
Because at times I am happy with whatever meager things I hold in hands
But sometimes those burst of jealousy from comparisons with peers push me down the cliff
But money hunt is definitely not for me
I just need to learn how to get myself motivated enough to earn enough to support myself
And not dream about mansion or lakeside hut or dreamy tree houses

......I need to take that trip to Toowoomba
I am not sure if I have that much time to waste


------------------------------------------------------
Previous trips and my one weekend in KL & Seremban heighten my love toward Penang so so much
Everything is so easy and breezy in Penang (at least from where I live) other places seem so unbearable
PS. The frequency of me getting on nonfunctional escalator in KL is too appalling

I felt a tinge of sadness meeting my very old friends
I don't know
I felt a huge world apart
I am always weird and different
With those random buzzes in my head and my unworldly view
I can only observe with wonders looking at my friends achieving milestones in life and discussing about things I might never be interested to talk about
I think I need to feel glad about this
Having friends who are so grounded make me realized how drifty I am
Like everyone has their own pathway to follow but I'm making circles all around
And one day when I finally realize I should move forward everyone is miles ahead of me
Maybe I am already feeling the gap
But I can't give up on this
I feel like there is more to it
I don't know who is really living the berth of life
Moving forward in phases of life.... being homeowner and wife and mother
Or going for adventures I don't even know the destination


Maybe I'm just a lost kid unwilling to be found


0

7 March

Posted by Qi... on 22:18

I think I've said this before but this is getting realer than real
Just see how empty my bank account had become >.<
I always get this sort of cold feet before meeting with my supervisor
Really hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow

Anyway people had been asking me how is the preparation and do I feel excited
Erm I am not prepared at all
Apart from spending all my night free time scrolling through job searching sites
I am not looking at journals anymore
But at least I am following my sv's advice to get to know the place and services available

Anywhere I go
The hardest thing to do is to say goodbye to the people
Telling my patients I am not going to see them again
Leaving my colleagues behind
No more 3G moments
Friends who came all the way from different places to spend some time with me
Even though it is just sitting on the bed and talk
And eventually my family
I had always live away from home but not too far
And always blessed to have angels around
But I can't say for sure this time

Glad that I get to explore more of Penang in the past two weeks
Get to tick off some of my to-do-list and experience many first times while tour guiding
Thing I love about this small island is the constant surprise and the interesting people
I guess I will miss this place the people I have around now at this exact instant
Who knows what will happen when I am gone
I know it wont be the same when I come back as visitor
But I think I am contented in every minute of it
No complaint with this place at all! <3
So yea it had been a good one year, even though things are shitty at work

Getting a bit pressured too
Now that more people know about me furthering study
Melted when my idol tell me I shine so bright and will do fine
Surprised when my juniors told me my name was being mentioned in class
This is exactly why I dont want to tell anyone before this
Our circle is too small things spread too fast lol

So now before I leave
I am pulling my hair thinking about how to bid my farewell
Properly
I can't thank these kind people around me enough for being so nice to the noob and heartless me
But I dont really have things to offer I suppose
And I am not really good at expressing things face to face

Counting down my last two weeks here
Just want to spend more time with people that matters
And trying to get more prepared
I am kind of excited to try out different jobs
Librarian! Museum attendants? Tutor? Waitress? Sales
Everything seems kind of interesting but those that I am really interested need a lot more other qualifications haih
Why developed country like to make things hard for other people?
Even though I am sort of excited with the options available (belum tau boleh dapat ke tak)
but genuinely concerned about my ability to financially support myself since I am so broke now. So so broke.
Well I cant worry too much for now
So we will see. Hopefully everything will turn out just well
We can only hope


0

二月 末

Posted by Qi... on 22:37

陷入一種連自己都不敢恭維的多愁善感模式
每一天 每一件事 都覺得 做一次少一次
拿到簽證了
要清空銀行戶口還給阿姨
一切都處於告別式的狀況
好像還要去買感謝卡

現在的每一分每一秒
都很珍惜
或許真的如你說的
我愛這裡的生活 多過我的工作
坐著渡輪 也想到 好像是最後一次了
跟陌生的朋友走過熟悉的街
每分每秒還有新發現
這個小島太神奇

寫了一張清單
在這裡
還有那麼多 沒做 沒去 沒吃
一年 好像不夠啊
是有很多惋惜的


想嘗試的和懷念的



















因為現在 就是最好的時光
幾年後 一切就變了
有的 只是回味舊日時光

-------------------------------------------------

週末 長途跋涉的回家了
(回來的巴士旅途差點讓我抓狂)
很慶幸 有多花一點時間在家
雖然 在家不到一小時
就被媽媽雷到
但是 突然想起
以前媽媽不是這樣的
好像在我外出讀書之前
焦慮都沒有那麼嚴重的
所以 是我給不到媽媽安全感嗎
對不想讓自己快樂的人
我真的很累 很無語
一個徹夜長談 可能讓人
但是腦里的惡魔一日不斬除
快樂永遠住不進來

雖然總是吐槽媽媽
也感激媽媽永遠比我緊張
在我還沒想到整理清單的時候
已經幫我做行李箱的市場調查
在家翻著舊箱子的時候
看到十幾年前小學的紀念冊
沒有媽媽 這些東西應該都消失無蹤了吧
我不會記得 它們存在過

How to pack your life in two suitcase!
買了30公斤的行李
看了幾篇博文
還是沒有頭緒
想帶的 太多太多
能帶的 只是那30公斤
一股腦兒 整理了書櫥
把幾十本不可能再看的書 都抽了出來
希望附近的書軒 願意收留

今天跟媽媽去佛教會
看著頭髮白了 皮膚皺垂的大叔阿姨們
那麼親切
突然想起 啊 我是佛教會長大的孩子啊
十年了 去的次數可以用手指數
但是他們還在
守著這麼一個小小的角落
我 就是一個一起享受最好的時光
就會跳到下個轉角的人
別期待 我守候 耕耘

還在早上小小的空檔
給家人煮了早餐
去愛小 幫忙彩了一下壁畫

總是欣賞有藝術天分的人    

小時候最愛的花之一
總覺得學校操場的雲海特別遼闊 想念那片我們躺著看星星的草地

愛清潔 喜歡這個色調







愛閱讀 我最喜歡的一副 可惜王老師不讓我題字





看著忙著把我“準博士”頭銜介紹給別人的老師
真的很尷尬
就好像我媽一直廣播我要去讀書的資訊一樣
其實 真的 我想要低調 低調 再低調

有人大愛印尼巴迪新衣 忍不住立刻穿


被我訓練的無時無刻都可以配合自拍


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

最後的煩惱就是住宿和錢
跟媽媽說好期待可以找到更闊氣的老闆
媽媽說
不可以貪心 求太多·
想想 也是
有人願意負擔學費就很好了
生活費 我賺得來的
也許 還有其他更需要更有資格的人
那我 還是不要亂花十方錢好了
期望 離職順利
我想多一點時間 窩在家
認真做飯 看書

0

I will miss you

Posted by Qi... on 22:16

To
The kid that made me laugh till me and my hommie shed tears
And made my hand tremor cause I can't tahan to laugh
Kid that ask me to add cement to cuts
Auntie that keep one whole bag of mint for me to cook
Uncle that always remind me of my grandfather
I just don't know how to tell them I'm leaving
It's not because it will devastate them, but me.
I can't bear to say those words.
Bye, I wont see you again.

The closer it gets to March
The more I realize what I will miss in the future
Every laughter filled dinner with hommie make me feel like we had one less dinner together
Every experience is a minus one
But at least everything is good
Too good till I feel wrong

I have so many unsaid goodbye
So many things to do, places to go, food to try (trying to make a list now)
Every tourist experience in this little island make me fall in love with it all over again
Again and again

It's a good thing I guess
Meaning I had been doing it right
Making me feeling happy and comfortable with this place
Kinda proud about myself being a decent tour guide here
And last month here, thanks to grab and uber,
I'm gonna explore more ✌✌✌
Create more good memories before me and this place and these beautiful souls beside me changes


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