Posted by Qi... on 17:02
Literally crying my eyes red in the meeting
For no reason
Things hormone made me do lol
I blame hormone entirely
Sure it was a REALLY REALLY FREAKING frustrating meeting
But seriously after lying underneath my favorite lakeside tree for a while
I can't remember why I am crying

Life is certainly not at its best point
But not the worst too
Been through days when I have to work like shit for days
This seeking process, at least it is not physically and mentally exhausting
Or at least it is not a meaningful one
It is not like I had to clean the glass microwave table cabinet floor everyday only for it to be messed up again the very next day
Despite constant warning from my supervisor,
I am feeling pretty safe about getting through
I hope I am not over confident
But I need to keep this faith

And I am coming home!
Literally jumping with joy just thinking about it
Maybe that is what I could do today
Just planning about what to do when I am back
I am way too lucky to find someone to take my room when I'm away too
Can't really bear to burn the $600 rent while I am jobless
So things are working out

You just have to hang in there
Hang in there
3 weeks. Just 3 weeks and you can be on full holiday mode (hopefully)


Good day

Posted by Qi... on 17:20
I can't recall when is the last time I spend a full day in uni
Probably very long ago
Because today when I actually get to do so
That blissful feeling is so overwhelming I felt like being hugged by a huge teddy bear
Just. So. Good.

It was pure bliss, literally
Attended a workshop with brilliant speaker talking about fellowship which I might never qualify but totally broaden my view about my career prospect
Had interestinge exchanges with colleagues about their first lecture, first overseas conference and maybe just yoga and good dimsum
Had a good meeting with sv---even though my draft is being diminised to nothing and I basically had to work from scratch, but I like those moments of enlightment when they pointed me something new that I never knew before.
Today I learned about the behavior change wheel which----I am yet to read about
But simply hearing new terminologies that I never knew lighted up so many bulbs in my head. 
This is why I am here right. To learn. To be inspired. To absorb something new.
I just wish it could be more.

Uni itself is great too!
Had my free dose of long black from the art museum and enjoyed some quality do-nothing time under a blooming jacaranda tree, just lying on a bench, looking at the falling purple flowers and rest
I am this easily satisfied lol
Seriously the hacaranda is so pretty I am planning a picnic by the lake!
Now we are heading to sushi train (with sweet and sour pork on the train wtf) to end the day.
I don't mind being stuck in uni if everyday is this good lol :) 

Now I really don't want to go back to work lol


Procrastination mode on

Posted by Qi... on 22:22

It is almost the end of the month
I was gonna write something after 31st August but today my procrastination mode is so strong
I just want to waste time
After scrolling everything on fb and insta
Here I am

Today I did my first close all by myself
Sort of an achievement even though I could not reach the 1 hour goal and had to do unpaid work
Took me 1.5hr to close a shop fml
And the boss had to be around the "check stock"
idk whether he is checking stock or checking me lol
Cause I had to go through a 5 day intensive training before I can handle a close independently
But apparently everyone else only had a day or two
Not too sure is it because I am new or I am slow
But all is well
I had to close from Monday to Saturday this whole week
That is 6 times of washing and wiping the whole store lol fml
Tbh the cleaning I did in this month is more than what I did in my whole life
Only mop my apartment once after I moved in ok
The things money made me do----------------like I seriously doubt what will I agree to if people offer me a huge sum of money lol

So apparently I had been working too much
Maybe 35 hours this week?
But I am only working half as much for the coming week I promise
Colleagues all asking me how do I cope
When I work 7 days a week
"Don't you go to uni?"
Yes, I do, but not much lol
I definitely need a recalibration
It is so hard for me to say no to money lol. and also because it so very hard for me to say no in general
For now it is a good distraction I guess
Cause uni work is boring. Plain boring like I need conscious focus to do it
Which is why having to work---having to force myself to complete uni task of the day in 3-4hour is pretty effective
Ethics is kind of annoying but I really need to work on it
And filtering studies for review isn't the most interesting thing in the world------I am learning a lot about disease name---autoimmune disease, neural disorder and stuff but still, had to force myself to keep scrolling lol
But I working on these
Slowly moving but moving with a pace that my sv is happy with (IDK how low their expectation toward me is lol)
At least I have answers when friends ask me how are you doing with your study lol

Sometimes I miss working in a hospital
But most of the time I forgot I had ever been a speech therapist
Until I met someone with stuttering today
I am not too sure if I could ever go back
I am not even sure if I want to
Unless when it is when my family needed help
That is the only time I wish I knew more
And I just hate it when that happens

I can totally understand when my supervisor say some people came for PhD but in the end they just stopped and work instead
The money is really not bad
And it can blind you for a while----like how it can make me wake up at 4.30am and do everything I have never did
But for me working in Subway is a lot of learning
I am taking extra classes to learn about life
From cleaning to multitask to interacting with people to get mundane but necessary things right
Everything is still new to me
I know it seems easy to everyone else
But it is not for me

And there are moments that bring me joy
Although I had new realizations about my limitation in bonding and interacting with people (*I am a socially awkward penguin with very selective conversation preference lol*)
But I still love those small glittery moments
When I could remember someone's order and made a dark face uncle smile
Or when someone told me you made my sandwich really nice I appreciate it
Or when someone feels so happy when you give them a little compliment
I just love making people smile
And these are so much more easier than whipping up a therapy plan and trying to change someone's behavior
I know it is very unfair to compare and I have no plan to progress my career in Subway
But Idk. There are jobs that are easy on your brain and soul but why am I doing this to myself lol
I like Ayden didi ask me. Sounds like this is not something you really want to do.
I am trying to reverse a mistake I made years ago
This might take 10 years but I will be there

Life is all good
Evening and weekends are full of free events meetups bookclubs
I have enough nutrition for my creative and curious mind
Also Friday morning yoga class in uni is bliss! Too bad the instructor leaving in two weeks what am I gonna do
Sometimes I am all tired after work and just want to lie down
But I am beginning to try more on eating out---cause finally got more money lol
Making new friends but still no hang out mates
That is the only point I miss
I dont know am I asking for too much
But I need friends who I can tell everything about
Because right now, all I do is pester my friends online lol
It is like those Buzzfeed post---when you only have two best friend and they are busy
I basically talk to myself in the chat box
But I have so many things to share! from silly things I do to random observation to online videos I discover
Ahhh apparently an instagram account is not enough lol
Best friend please come back from vacation fast haha
I would say life is not bad
Other than my constant solitude

By the way
I am finally going to Toowoomba!
This weekend!
I hope, if nothing goes wrong on my meeting this Friday
Dont have the courage to buy the ticket yet but I am anticipating
One week off the reality
How luxurious---think about no income for a week but still having to pay the bills
But I needed this


Workless roller coaster sunday

Posted by Qi... on 21:47

Needed to pen this day down
Not because of how eventful it was
Though I really really appreciate non-working weekends now
But it is the emotional roller coaster I

Woke up at 7 planning to work on my many documents but did nothing
Omg deadline is tomorrow I am so dead
But went on outing whole day somemore I admire myself too lol
Before I went out boss asked me if I can work
I am struggling between $100 income and two events (one paid) and more spending
And I choose to spend lol

Went to a free workshop by city council
Had fun decorating glitters on pantry object
Was supposed to bring my bottle from home but forgot about that
But glitters are really not my thing lol
Fancy but too fancy. How do you even use a jar full of diamonds and glitters?
But anyway I am once again amazed....you can be an artist by being a very into art housewife lol
It was fun like just for the experience
But I had to throw my product right after that lol
The glitter glue took ages to dry and I dont want it all over my bag
And I dont know how can I use those again
Say no to unpractical unnecessary things lol

Then I went on wandering for hours
Cause I was going to attend an activity there after 4 hours
But anyway it was a good discovery day
Found a lovely park in the middle of the valley
Which looks pretty similar to my favorite park in Portland!
Finally went to the oldest asian grocery store in Brisbane (not the biggest or cheapest though) and got some stuff----but they have some pretty good Indonesian and Philippines food selection lol. and fresh fish. and frozen and whole durian. and mooncake few months before Mooncake Festival
But my most dazzling experience would be walking into that herb store
The strong smell is almost therapeutic lol
The old Cantonese speaking auntie, old tabib and the med pots and people who came with prescriptions
Traditional things like this dazzles me all the time
And sometimes I feel misplaced like they brought a small part of HK or wherever to this very white land

Went to the first stand-up comedy show in my life
Listened to a singaporean named Ting (part of the reason I bought the tix) talked about singapore, how broke she was, how anxious she was and the traffic lol
I can feel her rawness and the grossly overgeneralized stereotype but I can relate to many of the things she said lol
Then we had a half aborigine who proudly proclaimed herself as aborigine lady
She was introduced as "national treasure in the making" and I think she might just be it
Love her lines and she even had a rap song with illustrations. too cute
And that song was awesome!
Then I think one day, just for once, I want to do a stand-up comedy too

Then went to the so-called Best Malaysian restaurant 2012 and 2015 for nasi lemak
I probably shouldnt go for nasi lemak in a seafood restaurant but anyway
It was terrible. I refrained from ordering any Malaysian food before this not only because I haven't pass my convert everything to rm stage, but im scared of disappointment lol
And that is exactly what I got.
$15 nasi lemak with undercooked rice. Seriously. How to eat. 
Anyway I don't feel much malaysia-ness there lol
But point is damn I got stomachache right after the dinner
I am not sure whether it is my stomach cant handle coconut milk and curry now or it is not fresh
Anyway it wasnt a pleasant experience

So lastly I went to uni to grab my laptop
Yes I took 15mins bus and walked 3km in return just to do that
and dropped my important cards (including bus card) in uni (I hope or else I die)
I am so freaking angry at myself when I had to pay $5 for my 5 minutes bus ride lol
Brisbane ur bus fare really expensive die
FUnny how tiny things like this can ruin my perfect day mood
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh totally messed up my already tight schedule
So a tiny thing like this can ruined my perfect day mood like totally
I am still pissed and slightly worried about it
Did I dropped it anywhere out of office? in the toilet or anywhere. I am literally having panic attack lol

But the worse thing was getting to know my grandma had a minor stroke this morning
and wasnt send to hospital
I feel like I am rewatching the same drama involving old people who refuse to send their parents to hospital even though they knew that is the best option
I had no idea why
Talking to my infuriated cousin makes me feel so helpless and guilty
I really wish I could be there. Or do more
I needed to see her again. To talk to her. To eat her food. To learn from her.
She is the other half of my root
I will be praying very very hard for her. 


July Report

Posted by Qi... on 14:24

Might be a little early to write this but I am on my first free workless Saturday for the month
I kinda lost idea on what to do on a leisure weekend

So I spend the first part of the morning looking at Youtube tutorial
Leaning how to do a short hair braid
But my hand too cacat I can only do the very basic braid I know
Totally failed the lesson lol
How do people even tie hair at the back of their head?
Like how do you stretch your arm?
I really need to know because my messy hair is ruining my life lol
I can't recall how many times I got scared by my own face in the mirror after a busy day

Then I went to the market
Detour to a second hand clothes store
Bought some amazingly cheap but beautiful outift
Bought few packets and noodles and one big box of vegetables and fruits (It was too cheap like literally a steal)
Was going to the city to get graduation gifts and do somemore shopping but maybe not
The $500 electricity bill really scare the shit out of me
Like for one sec I was gad about finally reaching my saving target
And by next week paying bill got me feel like being poor all over again

Life is passing like mundane routine
With tiny bits of pleasure I guess

Sort of feel fortunate I am working
Not only because of the financial comfort
But I have a distraction from my ever stagnant project
I got pretty frustrated in our last meeting due to the slow progress
It is not about me not doing my work, but the pace and vision of the team is way slower than my projection
And it drives me crazy for a bit
Simply by thinking about it makes me feel grumpy
And when I talked to other colleagues who enrolled together with me
My anxiety only rises
I hate my avoidance when people ask me how is it going on with my project
Because there is nothing going on
I am pretty surprised when the Head of Dept and sted in what I was doing lol
Maybe pretty interested in what I was doing lol
Maybe I am good in reporting outcome
Anyway hopefully I can sort this out soon

My friend had been telling me all I talk about is work now
Because that is what I mainly do lol
Hit 30 working hours in the last two weeks I got surprised too
So yea Wednesday pay day is definitely a happy day
Which is why I am more comfortable in spending money now (bad bad sign lol)
It was hard for the first week in winter break
Because business was so good we hardly had any chance to take a break
Imagine Subway sold out all their breads and people still coming in to ask for wraps
People, just eat something else

This job is starting to get boring but I think I really like it here
I like the exposure it provide, for me to interact with people from all walks of life
Even though our exchange might be only "what can I get for you today?", "six inch or a foot long"
And even though I hate the fact I am one of the oldest in the store
Just getting to know more people who are not doing a PhD widen my perspective lol
Kids who started working since 16 years old, coming in with a high school uniform but are much more well-mannered than me lol
I guess they learned a lot since young from working experience like this too
People saving for a car, a trip or working to support a family
It is not a job with good prospect nor a job anyone will love
But everyone stay here for a reason
And I like the very nice and even nicer colleagues
So yes I am really really lucky to find a supportive working environment
Even though I cut, burnt and scratched myself all the time

Meanwhile boss is going to train me to become an opener (sounded so wrong lol like a can opener)
Basically means I will be opening the shop, usually at 530am
Not alone, of course
I am afraid of myself lol. If I am doing that alone I don't know what will happen to the store
Even though I had to wake up before 5am for many more days
But I think this is much better for me because I can stay longer in uni
Anyway we will see how it goes

My Instagram project is going on pretty well
Looking forward to get 400 followers by the end of the month
I think I gave up on whatever passive income idea I had when I conceive the project
It is like the only highlight of my day I think
I don't like to share it on my social media account because I am a little shy lol
But this second account like simply sharing my life with random strangers and have random exchange about dishes we made is actually not bad
I like the anonymity and openness in it

Social wise
I am drifting away from school mates cause I am not at uni most of the time >.<
This is a really big issue I hope to solve soon
Meanwhile I had been going to more random meetups
Went to 3 different book club groups till now and still love my first one the most (which I had been religiously reading the book of the month and attending the monthly gathering)
Dropped out of the beginner creative writing class because 1) work 2) it is kind of boring 3) I am not really writing but maybe I will go back again if the time matches
Had a particularly fun meetup in a Thai restaurant which is crazy expensive but the companion is worth it
Philipino who works in Malaysian restaurant and can flip roti canai, Girl who were born in Perth but still going around telling people she is Malaysian (duh we are different level of Malaysian), Fiji Indian who sell Balinese furniture and DJ in pub
It was really interesting how you can gather so many interesting people in one random dinner table
I am still really awkward with strangers and had no idea how to strike a conversation but I am getting there lol
I really love the diversity over here like you can meet people from all over the world in Australia
The number of language I am hearing everyday is interesting enough

While I really love more and more about Australia
There are many things I miss about Malaysia
Most importantly are friends who I can have an honest face-to-face conversation about what is going on in life
I need one of those right here with me
I don't want to keep bombarding inbox of people who are in a different timezone and busy with work
And moments I missed while being here
Weddings. Celebrations. Transition of life.
There are many moments where I want to be there for friends and family
But can't
I know this is part of the package of living abroad,
Many people seem to survive just fine
But not me
I live for moments and connections
And this dryness is sucking up my well too

Let hope this is just a time thing
And we can look forward to a report with a happier tone next month
But overall July was a good month
Growth in many aspects (and being a sister which I probably failed) and many new experiences
But I want more
I want connections, outing and freedom
And we will slowly move toward that
Even though now I am still a squirrel storing food for the winter

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