夜幕低垂，当我们一行六人漫步在马六甲街头时，总是落在后头的我突然想起你。想起你，总是神色慌张的四处张望，一手抓紧自己的手袋，一手把我拉向前方，自己殿后。想起黑带在我们仅有一次一起出游时坚持殿后，严肃的语气说着：“你知道很危险吗？刚才那些人一直看着你们。”

虽然你们不在，你们在我脑海中却莫名的鲜明。阿伯缠着我们时，想到你会打发阿伯，抓紧我的手臂快步向前；当一辆摩托冲向我们时，耳边仿佛荡着你的尖叫声。

很惭愧，懵懵懂懂的我总是让大家担心。走路你们会要我小心跌倒；考试前会有人特地敲门问我身份证考试证带了吗？要一个人搭巴士回家时，大家的叮咛堆成暖暖的一座山：不要一直睡，要选单人座，不要跟人笑，要坐在司机后面……

窝在大家的羽翼下真的很温暖，我就像赖床的人拉着被单紧紧不放。有时会觉得自己太依赖你们了，你们真的很让人安心，在一起时，我的危机意识基本上是零。有时我会忘了，我们都一样，只是十八九岁的女生，没什么社会经验，独自在外很危险，深夜时分成群移动，大家心里都有几分忐忑。

第一次自己搭巴士回家，只身到吉隆坡车站转车，独自从怡保搭火车到巴生，都很沾沾自喜，忍不住期待大家的赞赏，还会厚脸皮的问老爸你女儿厉害吗。从来没想过你们的经历，比我更绚丽多姿。很多时候，我只是循着你们画好的地图走而已。

期许十九岁的自己，是令人安心的存在，是个用强壮的臂弯为你们指路的人，是殿在后头为你们挡住危险的一堵墙。或者实际点，能开车穿越大街小巷就好？

你觉得我能吗？

I noticed every good achiever in SPM, either really top or not that top, are stretching out their hand for JPA (Ok, not including those super top who get those corporate scholarship.). With only 1500 oversea scholarship vacancy, obviously not everyone could get the candy. But this is really puzzling, you count and count, with your all A+ result, indisputably you are the top of your state or first 2% in this nation, how come those people weaker than you get the prize instead of you?

Well, this is an unanswered question for I don’t know how many years (2002, the year I started to read newspaper?). The same scenario repeats for years and years, the students holding their straight A result with the Deputy Minister of Education speaking for them( Another thing, there is no any collaboration between MOE and JPA? Blaming them publicly through media simply shows they have no influence in JPA’s policy. But aren’t they working for the same government? ). Ok, there is some new sparks this year: since when JPA provide local diploma courses?

In my humble opinion, JPA lack some fundamental elements: efficiency, transparency and attitude. When you make a mistake, first time is forgivable, when there is second, third and endless consecutive episode without any improvement, I don’t know what to say. This is a national agency that takes control of the government server, a large portion our nation workforce! The worst thing is I never saw anyone who apology for these wrongdoing (guess there is no apology culture in Malaysia) or any indication that they have the will to correct this.

When could JPA give us a list with all their marks, co-curriculum and interview performance? Make a ranking with these so-called requirements for JPA. Everything would be crystal clear by then. Let us know. We can accept the quota and the allocation (20% for top achiever, 60% according to race etc), just show us how you assess the marks. As least give us something to fill in the reason column of our post mortem report.

Sometimes it is pathetic(I don’t know where my fire goes) to see how our national agency treats these people, the crème de la crème which supposed to contribute most to the future development of our nation. The flow of brain-drain starts here. They are pleading for a chance to bring back overseas knowledge to develop this country. We know they deserve it and yet this nation let them down. They had to go through the darkest moment of their life, losing direction, worried for their future. For sure they will prove their value with their own hand at the end of the tunnel. On that time, we can’t blame them if Malaysia is not their option anymore. The stage is not reserved for them all along.

We knew how unreliable JPA. We heard of it, we saw it and some experienced it. I am considered lucky to get matriculation. There are people struggling in STPM with astonishing good results(Oops, and those in private college!). Ok, to be fair, a JPA scholarship can’t take care of all these high achievers, they are simply too much! Eventually it may be just the matter of luck.

Yet the mindset is set: you strive to get good result, consequently you will get JPA and get to fly overseas. The formula is as simple as 1+1=2. Is that really so? It irks me is when they claimed that they study hard, get exceptionally good result but for nothing. I can understand how disappointed they are as I used to be the one who shed tears over JPA, but do they really study for JPA? No JPA then these years of studies just goes with the wind?

Is JPA the only and the best option?

A friend of mine get offer of India dentistry and she is seriously considering reject it. Who can reject JPA? And it’s dentistry! What if it is you?

When those appealers are flooded with tears, anger and anxiety, there is one question for them. Does JPA scholar perform better than their peers who stay here? Ten or twenty years later, when you look back, this doesn’t matter anymore actually. You decide your height and if you give up from this moment, you are destined to be on the bottom. Rise above!

This craziness over JPA does show something. Place aside the question whether JPA is the only way to study oversea, why everyone want to study oversea? Yes I know the answer is obvious. Overseas is better, with better education quality, greater technology and mould a wider view of the world. Wait a minute……is that really so? And why must it be so? Instead of sending all our jewel of the crown out, why there is no major effort to uplift our tertiary education? Make UM, USM, UKM first choice of our student!

All in all, our life just started and this isn’t the end of the world. Congratulations for those who get the prize and for those who are less fortunate, lift your head and meet the ray of sunshine. There are plenty of choices out there. For better or worse, it’s on you.