So I heard fourth year is the time for us to train our discipline and self-regulation
and yes I felt it

For the past one week I had been very restless
Partly because I had been spending most of my times in front of laptop editing the proposal etc etc
Another part would be the fact that I haven't been having enough sleep.

I always wonder why sleep can make so much difference in me.
Me with decent sleep is the cheerful chattering girl who talks too much and too loud at times
But the sleep deprived me, me myself feel like I am zombie walking
Wonder how someone can survive on like, 3-5 hours of sleep
Even at the prime of my teenage/adulthood, I could never go through this sleepless days

Finally tidied up my room because I was trying to figure out the reason of my insomnia
Once I felt so comfortable in a neat room of a friend
So I was thinking, is my environment affecting me?
So yea finally my pretty floor tiles get to see the light and I am having excessive sleep now,
Cause it is holiday! XD Partly holiday

Yea rare moments of relaxation here :D

怎么 我就是没有那种自信
那种这舞台是我的 芸芸众生你听着就好的张狂

这种慑服人的气势 很重要
有些人 就是亮晶晶的

聊天的时候 有他的地方 杂音笑声总是特多

讨论的时候 他一开口你就猛点头

他站在台上 就是有种charisma能让观众

自认低调 上台的机会我能推就推

但现在我想要 有这种超能力
把我想说的话 一锤一锤 打进脑里
震摄住人 让他们跟随我脚步 的能力
或简单的 让一群孩子有一个欢乐下午
用声音 传达能量 魅惑人的能力

从小妈妈 都在碎碎念我做人要谦虚
我想 我被催眠的太成功
那天 你问我 怎么这么自卑的时候
我突然很想给你一个拥抱
只有你看到 我在自己眼里如微尘

但就算是微尘 我也想 努-力-发-光
把光明带到我想要的地方


ps. 虽然Voice真的是我很弱的一环，突然有种想当Voice Coach的冲动

在人生的0%的我

也可以相信

看似膠著不動的現況

背後確實有無形力量在推動嗎

有些話
不是找不到人說
是找不到對的人說

最後 對著電腦 敲了一夜的鍵盤
終於覺得 可以呼吸了

話越說越少
因為 連自己也覺得 是無關緊要的事
沒必要 叨擾人家

Scrolling everywhere because I just don't want to start working on my plans.

Today I almost broken into tears in group discussion
She pointed into me and said, "I thought you can't"
I'm not sure whether this is a compliment for holding up till now or simply an encouragement
I had no idea what I did in past one year
but if all the memory could do is make you burst into tears and writing this late in night, it is not good

I am dull. Not the witty kind.
I am calm. Not the excited one.
I don't do small talks. I can't crack jokes.
The highest emotion I can act out is what you would say,
you got the tones right somehow your body language everything else doesn't groove in

I am just doing my job as a student.
Not a therapist yet.
I can never understand why I can't get into that emotion
Is it because my natural detachment from people
I really do feel I have Asperger characteristic although Asperger doesn't validly exist anymore
Or maybe I should just quit thinking.
Some answers are not gained from thoughts, you do it, you get it.

Sometimes I think my low confidence here make a lot of difference in people's perception
I have no idea which way it goes,
Because I am lost so I have low confidence
Or because I don't have confidence in myself so it is so hard to justify and defend myself
I so wanna break the cycle and so wish someone can lift me out from this stupid cycle

My supervisor said in this therapist profession,
Essentially you are an actress
Actress with plans and structure in your mind,
No matter how tired and stressed you are
In that session you need to be the limelight and bring everyone else up
I can't. I can't even act funny in a 1 minute comedy.
That is how limited my acting skills are and how dull I am.

My dearest senior say it is all in you attitude.

If you really want to help someone else,

You will make the effort to reach it.

The cold realization is I don't care.
Don't care about a lot of things.
Don't care if a child can finally push a car by his own after two therapy session
I don't know what else I don't care lol

Oh my gosh, maybe all I need is those little magical moments,
A cute smile, a thank you
A new word, a surprising long sentence?
I guess I took too little credits of these
But how can you when after hours of preparation plus one hour of extra high adrenaline rush
all you heard is ...........What you did wrong, or a little sugarcoating i.e. how can you do better
Pfittt, Here goes all the excitement and satisfaction
Maybe you should feel more of self-blaming and guilt?

Guess I am the kind of trouble-seeker
At moments like this, when nothing is wrong in my life
At least when nothing seems wrong
That is when I push myself the hardest
If I am a writer, I would be the kind who wrote myself into depression lol.

Sometimes I wish I am less rational
Like I can just walk away, to try another life
But I am stuck.
You need a degree, then you can have a proper job for the rest of your life.
I can never let go of what I got in hold now, after so much precious time and effort
Even when you are not sure whether it works for you.

I had to hypnotize myself,
This is a molding process
It is harder when you resist change,
If I make myself more adaptable to changes

If you lighten up a bit and follow the flow

Maybe it will be easier

You had been fighting against your own good for too long

How hard can it be to smile and talk to people and make a party in your room?

But why would I need to
*Gosh just feel like punching the ever-retorting me so much
Shut up and let the good girl me move ahead first okay,
For the greater good, for both of us. tqvm