Eternal flight from myself to myself

Scrolling everywhere because I just don't want to start working on my plans.

Today I almost broken into tears in group discussion
She pointed into me and said, "I thought you can't"
I'm not sure whether this is a compliment for holding up till now or simply an encouragement
I had no idea what I did in past one year
but if all the memory could do is make you burst into tears and writing this late in night, it is not good

I am dull. Not the witty kind.
I am calm. Not the excited one.
I don't do small talks. I can't crack jokes.
The highest emotion I can act out is what you would say,
you got the tones right somehow your body language everything else doesn't groove in

I am just doing my job as a student.
Not a therapist yet.
I can never understand why I can't get into that emotion
Is it because my natural detachment from people
I really do feel I have Asperger characteristic although Asperger doesn't validly exist anymore
Or maybe I should just quit thinking.
Some answers are not gained from thoughts, you do it, you get it.

Sometimes I think my low confidence here make a lot of difference in people's perception
I have no idea which way it goes,
Because I am lost so I have low confidence
Or because I don't have confidence in myself so it is so hard to justify and defend myself
I so wanna break the cycle and so wish someone can lift me out from this stupid cycle

My supervisor said in this therapist profession,
Essentially you are an actress
Actress with plans and structure in your mind,
No matter how tired and stressed you are
In that session you need to be the limelight and bring everyone else up
I can't. I can't even act funny in a 1 minute comedy.
That is how limited my acting skills are and how dull I am.

My dearest senior say it is all in you attitude.

If you really want to help someone else,

You will make the effort to reach it.

The cold realization is I don't care.
Don't care about a lot of things.
Don't care if a child can finally push a car by his own after two therapy session
I don't know what else I don't care lol

Oh my gosh, maybe all I need is those little magical moments,
A cute smile, a thank you
A new word, a surprising long sentence?
I guess I took too little credits of these
But how can you when after hours of preparation plus one hour of extra high adrenaline rush
all you heard is ...........What you did wrong, or a little sugarcoating i.e. how can you do better
Pfittt, Here goes all the excitement and satisfaction
Maybe you should feel more of self-blaming and guilt?

Guess I am the kind of trouble-seeker
At moments like this, when nothing is wrong in my life
At least when nothing seems wrong
That is when I push myself the hardest
If I am a writer, I would be the kind who wrote myself into depression lol.

Sometimes I wish I am less rational
Like I can just walk away, to try another life
But I am stuck.
You need a degree, then you can have a proper job for the rest of your life.
I can never let go of what I got in hold now, after so much precious time and effort
Even when you are not sure whether it works for you.

I had to hypnotize myself,
This is a molding process
It is harder when you resist change,
If I make myself more adaptable to changes

If you lighten up a bit and follow the flow

Maybe it will be easier

You had been fighting against your own good for too long

How hard can it be to smile and talk to people and make a party in your room?

But why would I need to
*Gosh just feel like punching the ever-retorting me so much
Shut up and let the good girl me move ahead first okay,
For the greater good, for both of us. tqvm