I wonder
Why the hell I didn't write more when I am so free
In fact, I did nothing when I have all the time I could have in the world
Other than paying my sleep debt

I miss writing.
I got tonnes of emotion roller coaster like too much to be penned down
But I just couldn't.
I couldn't express my thoughts and feelings like how I used to be.
It just felt like it doesnt click. Didnt hit the point
Like I lost my colorful pen

Had been longing for this emptiness for a while
Just doing nothing and unwind
But then it turned into a stream of emptiness and now I am trying to gather myself back
I hate the fact that I need a institutionalized routine to get myself together
Like without workplace without school
I will just disintegrate into ghost of nothingness

So I am trying to get myself a timetable
Oh I feel so highschool
You know, getting yourself a timetable for holiday
But somehow it is working
And I really feel the urgency to read
You know, just to pack my empty brain with something
(So I subsribed Economist today! Something I should have done four years ago :p)
And picking up my old textbooks, cause I feel so rusty and insecure to go back to hospital

But yeah,
the one thing I am satisfied with myself this week is my reading progress lol
I might really have a chance of clearing up my (part of) unread stack if I really keeping it up
But I am not sure whether I am chasing the speed or simply reading
Or falling asleep while reading
But who cares
My book, my pillow, my brain
This relationship is just a bit intricated and I love it this way

Created my KWSP account
Gotten my first official pay from my unofficial job
So feel like I'm on my own feet now
Like I'm gonna live on my own, get a job, get a car and maybe whatever property in the future
Rolling into this textbook life is just so not my thing

But this intimidating thing about on my own is
I had to made my own decision and bear the consequences
When I literally know nothing about what is ahead
So I am supposed to just march forward with my eyes closed
And hope when I open my eyes
It is gonna be a wonderland with angels and elfs welcoming me

So I need to believe this is just a stage
A transition before I find a place to land and get settled
…......
Welcome to the lost world
Where every decision lead to a new horizon of adventurous unknown
Just so exciting I am not sure whether my heart can bear with all these stimulation
But here you go, young girl
Just go and celebrate every bump and bundle of joys

Life is good, as it always is
Or will be.
:)

就這樣 百日了
就在昨天 擦着饭桌的时候
想起了 他的聲音 想起他總會碎碎念 要用力 要擦邊邊
有些旋律 重复太多次 就開始阴魂不散的autoplay
在某些時刻 耳邊總會响起那聲“琪啊”

日子飛快的過
以爲永遠不能適應的空缺
只有三個人的餐桌
變成儲物室的房間
也慢慢變成生活的常态了
只是 還是不敢抬頭看 墙上那張突兀的照片

時間不自覺的過
最恐怖的是
你的世界崩了一角
日子還是一樣的過
你還是一樣吃喝拉撒睡 上課上班
然後 曾經的回憶不斷被新的生活點滴侵蚀
直到你只剩下雾般朦胧的回憶 淡淡的感傷

今天
看着媽媽準備了一桌子的斋菜
仿佛可以聽見 他在碎碎念 生前不吃素的人 怎麽要逼人家吃素
也聽到 多年前婆婆的忌日他在問 我不在了 你也會這樣拜我嗎
然後我释懷了 只要在特定的時候 這樣聽到他的聲音就好了吧
就算只是我的想像

……你還好嗎
真心的希望 你聽不到 吃不到 看不到
在另一個更好的地方 過着更好的生活
那我們也會努力過着没有你的生活

總是忘記
世界上沒有完美的選擇
選擇 這兩個字 預示著人生的得失吧
總是要放下手中的一些什麼 才能繼續向前
而且 就算有完美 100%量身訂造的配套
你確定 這種好康頭 會輪到你？

所以 決定放棄發夢
真的 踏上地面 找個踏腳處了

畢業後的這兩個月
不間斷的小旅行 偶爾冒出來的活兒 很多很多的情緒
其實 真的沒什麼時間
靜靜地坐下 想未來的打算
篩選著適合的工作地點 找著留學的獎學金
找一個可以讓我完美銜接的中間點

今天 在面子書私聊里
對著一個不回我的人 一一列出我的考量點后
就這樣 叮 我決定了
放不下的雞肋 面對恐懼的不安
突然覺得眼前很清晰 我想 我可以面對了
終於覺得 不再躲
不再maybe 不再等事情發展如何
我要上船了就這樣跳上去
然後 用我的手 掌舵

當然還是有點小不安
畢竟也是人生另一階段
好像就要過著 我最鄙視 最想逃避的朝九晚五
可是 人總是要隨著時間流動不是嗎
不能選擇我最愛的一年 然後就這樣一直循環播放
身邊的風景 人 事 物 都在隨時間流動
我是時候抓緊腳步 跟上去了
我想 有一部分的我 還是會隨眾 還是會感覺到peer pressure的

But stillllllllll
So afraid I am falling into the white picket fence life
Oh gosh even white picket fence is so beyond reach
I guess it is the small room in condo life
and maybe I will have this small house in a residential area yea
Part of me despise this, I think I like life in a lakeside house more (and lotus pond!)
(ps. One of the characteristic of psychopath is also despise toward white picket fence life lol)
But this middle class life with a nice family doesnt sound too bad too
Guess I can live with it

Ok I decided to give myself this test and I hope I can pass this
Post-uni life test 1.