Emptiness

I wonder
Why the hell I didn't write more when I am so free
In fact, I did nothing when I have all the time I could have in the world
Other than paying my sleep debt

I miss writing.
I got tonnes of emotion roller coaster like too much to be penned down
But I just couldn't.
I couldn't express my thoughts and feelings like how I used to be.
It just felt like it doesnt click. Didnt hit the point
Like I lost my colorful pen

Had been longing for this emptiness for a while
Just doing nothing and unwind
But then it turned into a stream of emptiness and now I am trying to gather myself back
I hate the fact that I need a institutionalized routine to get myself together
Like without workplace without school
I will just disintegrate into ghost of nothingness

So I am trying to get myself a timetable
Oh I feel so highschool
You know, getting yourself a timetable for holiday
But somehow it is working
And I really feel the urgency to read
You know, just to pack my empty brain with something
(So I subsribed Economist today! Something I should have done four years ago :p)
And picking up my old textbooks, cause I feel so rusty and insecure to go back to hospital

But yeah,
the one thing I am satisfied with myself this week is my reading progress lol
I might really have a chance of clearing up my (part of) unread stack if I really keeping it up
But I am not sure whether I am chasing the speed or simply reading
Or falling asleep while reading
But who cares
My book, my pillow, my brain
This relationship is just a bit intricated and I love it this way