很久没有累得那麽精疲力尽了
真的 半句話都不想說
六點才下班 把自己拖回家後
真的感覺自己就化成一滩水 躺在床上
久久不動

是因為昨天那杯讓我失眠到五點的摩卡嗎
(不過很慶幸来得及看了一部超精彩的電影 值得)
還是同事們讓人沉重的對話 (為甚么人總是那麽复杂)
還是今天對着我沉睡 医生一来就睁大眼的大叔
還是會動手動腳胡言乱車把自己說成葉問的大叔
還是那個讓我加班一個小時的妹妹
是要怪自己心軟 媽媽開口一句 拜托你等一等好不好 就等了大半個小時

身為治療师最厌恶的就是
無可药救的病 再多的努力 都是徒增折磨
跟病人說 你没救了
這句話 我总是說不出 總是感覺 要给他們希望
但是 虚假的希望 好像更残忍
然後是時候要重温我的座右铭 And have the wisdom to know the difference
還有 要多讀書

還有 我真的等到很焦虑了
信再不來 我不确定我能撑到甚麽時候
明天就十二月了 神啊 救救我吧

It is still a mystery why my patient will cancel on me automatically
When I feel overwhelmed or sick or tired
But I'm loving it
I guess my guardian angel just love me too much <3

Anyway it had been a pretty productive and unproductive week
Unproductive mostly I guess
Cause it took me one week but I haven't reply a single email
Downloaded many things but haven't even read the one I downloaded the other time
Like basically I am recycling my to do list every week
Cause I completed none of them, especially casenotes that keep piling up
Ahhh crazy

Didn't really feel well this whole week but today is the worst
Feeling bloated and having reflux like volcano eruption the whole day
And....I am still here in the office, and probably going to see two more running kids
God bless I don't vomit on them
At least I figured out why....ah my wicked hormone cycle and the wicked way which it always chooses to partner up with my strongest enemy----my poor lung or explosive tummy

Getting really busy these few weeks......
Of course I love being engaged and really doing work (but 10 patients a day is a bit too much for a speech therapist right?)
But my lazy nature is stressing up like hell...which mean I need more sleep, means less time for more work
Yes I know it doesn't make sense but this is my inner drama now
I cringed every time I have more regular peads cases T.T
Kids please stay away from me like seriously. I do you no good
And having more and more swallowing cases---I thought lateral medullary is rare but I am into my 10th after one year of work oh god
I got bored of it already like please can give me some cases I can sit down and cross my legs and talk?
Can my offer letter come faster---I am getting anxious already like everyone know I am leaving but I don't even know when

Sort of looking forward to the Genting getaway this weekend!
Havent been to Genting for years!
But come to think about it, I went Genting with every significant friend gang in my life----from high school to matriks to uni, twas really wonderful time we spent there :)
So this time I am going with my colleagues!
We had only been together for one year but together on so many trips and sleepover already!
I am excited thinking about the cold breeeeeze and probably casino lol
I don't know what else to do there since the outdoor theme park is still on the way (like seriously this is taking way too longggggggggggggggg)
Anyway I just want to enjoy more time with this precious bunch <3

我想 我就是那種垃圾收集狂吧
超级念舊 雖然知道没有實際使用價值
因為有意義 總是不想扔
這次家里大装修 改頭换面
我真的有很多的難過 遺憾
雖然知道公公不是像我這種守舊型
但是我想留着房子的原貌 我記憶中的樣子

看着那片灰灰的洋灰墙 真的想哭
我一直知道
我會懷念這種推一推就能栓好的門窗
设计独特的门窗
只是不知道告别會那麽快
還是忍不住跟媽媽說 把門留下好吗
但是留得住門 又有甚么意義
那只是一块板 已經是不是門了
最好笑的是 爸爸留下来的 只是那個🔒鎖
我想 他也知道 我执着的是什麽吧
中學以前 我都一直學不會 怎麽鎖那巧妙的古董鎖
現在是直觉般 一转一抬 門就上鎖了 根本不需要锁匙
不過 門卸下後 是時候 要為家里多添幾個鎖了

外婆問 為甚么要花那麽多錢装修
就像我跟姑姑說的 要讓房子繼續住得下 装修是必要的
雖然覺得做工粗糙 没有美感
但是 這種环境 伸手即可触底的口袋 我認了

做就做，現在只是在想該怎麽把它做得最好
再怎麽嫌丑嫌简陋
畢竟，這是家，我還是要回来的

上個週末過得有點緊湊
我覺得到今天精神都還沒恢復
（partly是因為unifi太好用興奮過頭了）
朋友知道我要去KL 30小時一日一夜游
都覺得我有點衝動
要飛的前一天 一邊看suits 一邊做畢業卡的時候
真的覺得 好想可以請假！
不過 想到要跟大媽開口 就算了

可是很慶幸
這次的行程比想像的充實
除了見到新年只能見一次的姊妹們
還和BS一起晃了半天
還找到了阿嫲芋圓
（真的很懷念在那個溫暖小店幾個人一起扒豆花的夜晚）
我跟這群人 應該都有一年多沒見到了吧
上一次 應該是我的畢業典禮了

大家這段時間的際遇
半天是很難真的深入了解
但是至少略略了解近況
很难得的有機會跟大家面對面說話

以前以為了若指掌的人
看著他們有不同的際遇 想法 新朋友

畢業的季節
聽了很多很多的苦水
突然覺得自己很幸運
我的不滿不悅 多源自自己的心魔
可是看着加班至深夜的朋友

周末也要把工作带回家

想一下 自己這樣的工作 真的很不錯了

自從機場回家的路上
朋友跟我說起
現在工作上的重重困難
和自己心裡的掙扎
其實真的不知道要說什麼
就是一種愛莫能助
我只能給你一個擁抱的情緒
有些路 只能一個人走

最近真的覺得自己很口拙
不會安慰人 不會拒絕人
甚至寫一個caption都好久好久
真的很懊惱 所以現在我不止口拙 還筆拙了怎麼辦
突然不懂得表達自己
加上現在的臉越來越冷越來越臭
難怪我也覺得自己變得不那麼平易近人

不過 我想 你知道的
朋友久了
就是一種 話不用多說
你知道我會挺你的關係

你知道吧

We are on an endless war

Everyday is a battle
And sometimes....you can only go into the battlefield all by yourself
但是這不是生死戰
打得不好 下次再來就好了
只要活著 越活越好 就可以了

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

雖然很懊惱
維持了39天的外語學習
就這樣斷掉

不過 是在暗示我要開始新目標吧
可以考慮轉去西班牙文？

So I was kind of down for the past one week
All I want to do is wrap myself in a blanket like a burrito
Sleep, and do nothing
Watched a few movies, kinda grateful my timing allow me to watch a movie after work before dinner
So I was this walking dead for one whole week with no apparent reason
and it is not like I am having emotional turbulence or hormone disturbance
Just I don't feel like thinking, or feeling things

But I found joy in watching foreign movie in foreign language
Very different stories with different perspective
Even though I totally fail my German listening
Probably only understand sentences like "ich bin...."
But movie is just something universal that you can understand

Received reply regarding interview finally
Saying there are a lot more applicants with more extensive experiences
So yeah. It is not for me
I know it is out of my league in the first place
But no regrets for trying
Just glad it turned out alright
At least I can focus on what I really ought to do now
Which I had been try to avoid for the past one week with extra sleep
and now....rewatching old TV series
Cool

Turns out even though I was praying against it
I still had to cancel the HCM trip next week
Was secretly happy about it
I am not really prepared and I dont want to take off from work
But yeah, major heartache for the money
First time burning off international flight ticket
Boy, that was quite a big amount
Lesson of the day, don't buy flight ticket impulsively lol

The main reason of the cancellation------------
House was in a mess from all the renovation work
and I can feel my mum being strained mentally
Well, presence of workers and an unpredictable contractor is definitely stressful
Then her usual pessimistic prediction of the future is not helpful at all
Guess I should go back home this week to check it out

So it is November now
An insignificant month other than it means it is getting dangerous close to end of the year
And as usual, there were leaps and bounds and small milestones but generally it is a stagnant year for me
Let's hope we get something out of these last two months and I can welcome 2017 with open hands