最近又開始累積很多不安
不只是因為逃離計劃很不順利
而是 看到自己
在沒有約束的情況下 可以淪落到什麼境界

自己有多麼不堪 就不用細說
但是好像埋頭仔細想想
問題的根源 不在環境 不在導師 不在個性八字
好像真的是自己
不願努力 不負責任 好高騖遠
典型的草莓

所以 與其策劃逃亡
要改變的是自己對吧
不改的話 去到那裡 做什麼
都是一樣

It's really a bad thing that I got back here
I really had some jolly good time before I feel like this cycle of unluckiness hit me back

This week is really really bad for me
Before the week started my laptop brokedown for no reason
Well such a coincidence I have sooo many deadlines and things to do this week
First they say it might cost me 500 bucks like duh, am I not broke enough
Then after two days they still haven't figure out what's wrong with it
I'm just so on fireeeeee I wanna grab my laptop back and go to another store
But point is I'm so fake I can still be polite and tell them it is ok when my rage can burn out the entire forest

Then....
My application was on hold because of some silly errors
And I'm gonna miss the deadline of all the scholars I'm aiming
Now I need to go through some test that I have no confidence in passing while spending extra few hundreds
And postpone this plan to god knows when
That's when ur quarter life crisis wave hits you so hard
Do you really want this
Why do you want this
and I don't even have the mood for my own never ending lame drama

This week gonna continue with all the MSQH nonsense and next week I'm gonna go back to life without freedom
Not to mention the Friday gathering where I have zero idea about
Saturday kids who shout at me
Life is a mess, a real mess right now

My mood swing so badly most of the time  I just wanna hug myself in a corner and cry
Or watch brainless series to numb my mind
But when I got back my rationality I get all grumpy and freak out cause there are so many things that I want to do but cannot because I don't have my laptop with me

Am totally a prisoner of lappie lol
Ok just hoping the outing this week, interview next week and the course went well
Cause you need something good to look forward to right
Not the rubbish and MSQH you need to face when you got back
And yes I do need to immerse myself in water now before I explode

总是被一些感觉很文艺的东西吸引
演奏会 讲座 电影放映会 舞台剧
虽然一点艺术底子都没有
却很喜欢像闯错门似的去凑热闹
很孤独的门外汉 却很自在的感受着
不评论技巧 单纯看美丑 欣赏投缘不 也很舒服自在

我想 我把每日新体验这件事 贯彻得太彻底了
去看了很新奇的木偶戏
有点小光荣我是半个潮州人 也认真看过四大名著 戏里的情节对白还算是听的懂
同情游客们 一边看戏 一边看字幕(翻译得很烂 直译却不达意) 还在理解中戏已经倒下一幕了
其实不了解西游记的人 看了可能会满团疑云吧
从游客的角度来说 是很新奇 很有意思的文化演绎 小朋友会喜欢吧 新奇的木偶 会飞会跳 还喷雨了
从本地人的角度来说 是个很好的文化活动 多认识潮州戏曲 重温旧时光 还可以变成亲子活动
以半个潮州人旁听潮州大戏的小妹来说 还是真人版比较好看 木偶太儿戏了 虽然木偶人可以飞 但是有很多限制 肢体表达也很有限 还有。。。好像唱得不怎么样 很多生意跟角色都不怎么搭捏
以挑骨头的心来看 很多方面的细节可以再加强 主持人完全没有准备 字幕翻译得很文言 布幕用print就算了像素还那么差 道具也很简陋
就是以小文化活动来看 是很好的开始
有传统 有新意 戏剧紧凑有张力
二十块 是为了体验 也算是支持
纯来看戏娱乐 我觉得不值
但是 假以时日 好好加强
我觉得 有潜能 变成一个文化重点节目的
期待中
那个。。。外婆快把YouTube里所有的潮州戏看完了
也想带她去看看现场 马来西亚的表演

这几个晚上 开始熬夜看电影
也许是因为发现了iflix
还是想起侯文咏说起大学时代的电影狂热期对他的熏陶 也想多看点补充养分
还是纯粹 生活无趣 需要从虚拟人生摄取
还是纯粹只是我另一个
你看 看个电影都要分析那么久
我有问题 对吧

你说 我很矛盾 我想太多
享受当下就好
现在每天这样的小确幸 小体验
我是过得很舒服自在
只是心里脑里 不断有个声音喊着
你不可以这样懈怠 好像我有个重大工程需要完成 而我却在翘脚
只是。。。。我还没发现是什么
也许 就是现在手中搁着很久 应该完成的事
还是 只是我不甘寂寞 永远向前看的一颗心
看出了
现在不动 以后搁浅在这里的自己 会很痛苦
警报系统 响得快没电了
懒惰的人儿 还在得过且过 挥霍时间 不愿行动
怎么就不能让自己舒服快乐的过呢
自己跟自己过不去 是没药救的吧

https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality

Apparently like how everyone around me realized,
I am a little free at work
So I went and do a personality--probably not the first time but I think the result is a little different
This is just so toooo totally me

Sorry I am a little self-obsessed recently
Thinking a lot about future, my current pursuit or simply some random philosophical questions
So yeah 8 full pages of analysis seems just right for me

I am always an idealist, in every test I did and as far as I am aware of
Sometimes I think profile like this, spelling things right in my face makes me more aware of things going on
I think I am in the hermit mode as described in the webpage
Definitely will take some time before I complete my meditation program
But at least this makes me a little more conscious of it
And try not to dig my hole too deep because I am not sure whether there will be someone trying to pull me back to human world or not

Hopefully this is part of my hormone cycle,
So I had been very reserved and contemplative
Adopting a total introverted lifestyle---always choosing alone time over other activities
It actually feels good to get close to my old books again
and gets back to the old routine of thinking what I really want in life
(The questioning never ends!)
Like I gets to revisit myself (which is totally weird cause I stay in my body with my mind attached in my head all the time)
But yeah, just feeling more of myself and listening more to my head recently
I hope I am not developing schizophrenia or split personality disorder

But yeah, there are always ups and downs
My close friends will know despite my very social and talkative nature
There are times...actually quite a lot of time when I prefer to sit at a corner and just be with myself
Past two weeks had been times like that
I am being really comfortable and at peace
But I think I caused a bit of unease among people around me, which obviously felt the dramatic change in my behavior
But I am not bothered, I am not bothered to explain or to please them
Which is some really bad attitude--I don't think it is healthy for long term co habitual relationship
Which leads to my worst weakness----I just go ahead and do the wrong thing even though I knew it is the wrong path

Anyway, this somehow motivates me a little haha
Like I am this creative talented idealist with lots to offer
Hopefully I am

一年了

太不知不覺

刚刚翻着舊照片才突然發現

就是五月二十九

其實刚打了一堆依默文

因為真的哭得不行

凡是有你的舊照片

還是像這樣讓我想起你的日子

總是讓我變成喷水大瀑布

不過不小心 没存档就退出了

現在 情绪平复一點但還是選擇继续自虐

记性很好

记得左边這辆十五年前轉手的PR 3860

记得右边这棵十年前被推到很甜芒果树

记得這辆你骑了二十年的摩托

骑着它去喝茶 買菜 買咖啡

摔了一次 两次 三次 

就算腿断了 三個月後還是继续骑着它出門

直到你真的不再逞强 把钥匙给我

開始 偶尔走路去買菜

有時我真的觉得 我记得太多了

想你

虽然逐渐習惯 有点空的客廳

知道不會有人念我該怎麽切葱 擦桌子 

要多吃肉 要早點睡

發現我凌晨還在看戲會打小報告

真的 我觉得我應付得還好

不再有那種失措的空虚

只是偶尔抽起那段段回憶的時候

才有這樣的隐隐作痛

偶尔會希望你在

想讓你看看

想聽你說故事 说道理

想做的很多 所以遗憾也很多

口里會說 人生无常 生死有命

九十九 健康平安 已经是蒙老天厚待了

但是 總是很自私的想要多一點

想回去那一刻

我只會說一句福州話"吃饭" 每天喊你吃饭的時候

你叫我起床 上学前煮一包金旦面给我的时候

我出门讀書前 偷偷塞钱给我的时候

我開始偷懒 不再帮你拿药涂伤口的時候

我對着电脑 跟你坐在同一個客廳 却不說一句話的時候

你最後一次跌段腿 坐在房間里萎靡虚弱的時候

幹 又開始飙泪 不数了

只希望

摆脱了老弱的身躯的你

會過得更好

一生都不欠人的你 應該可以投個好胎吧

晚安

好像隐约可以聽到你罵我

几點了 還不睡

晚安