Going through all these moments,

I should be sad.

But in fact, I'm not.

I wonder, is it this is the extreme end of sadness?

When you feel no emotion wave?

Yes I am emotionally neutral.

Cannot fly? I guessed it.

Lost something important? Arghhh, then ya I'll sort this out.

I didn't realize I had such a high tolerance on bad luck

or a very strong hold on happiness/calmness

til now.

No, I did not cry.

Until I went back home and threw tantrum and shed tears without any reason.

Then yea, I guess I'm fine.

Some were amazed by my ability to hold myself together

This one girl say because I live without lung and heart

So I don't feel

I just piggily laze around and live my life,

without all the tied knots in my head.

With a simple brain, you will have a simple life. :)

It is a matter of choice.

Things happened.

You can drench your pillow with tears whole night,

write a 1000 words reflection paper,
But no, you can't undo anything

All sorts of things happen.

Our imagination is just a tiny dust if compared to the intricate plot of life

When you immersed yourself in your sea of trouble

you don't see your friends drowning in a bigger swamp and asking for help

You don't see the gems around you.

Your family, your friends that care for you,

sometimes more than yourself. 

So when I say goodbye to November,

I'm leaving all these

Here comes the end of clinic and one whole semester

There are ups and downs in this chapter

But please, end it in a nice way.

Motto of the month: 

Sometimes it is out of your control that bad things happened,

but you have a chance to prevent it from worsening

So that's the final decision, I guess

I didn't even struggle or try to fight back

Cause the rational part of my brain agrees with everything she says

and I know, it's for my own good.

Sometimes I hate myself being this nodding little girl

for not fighting for myself hard enough

But, what to say,

I appreciate the effort and every bit they tried to help me

and I know it is of good will.

I mean, having so many discussions and my name being mentioned in so many meetings

make me feel so flattered. LOL

NOT TO MENTION EVERYONE KNOW HOW BAD MY CLINIC WAS

To be exact, they know it is bad, no one knows how bad. >.<

This is bad.

But I know I'm going to gain something from this

At least I'm not missing out all the treasures we have here

and yes, keep the <3 for something far better, 

ahead

For me to remain positive

I need something to cheer myself up.

Vietnam maybe? HAHA

Thought I could run away from here

That's something I secretly relieved

but guess my work my study my burden my legacy

still mine.

Not the time to get rid of it, yet

Maybe it's just not the time

Everything happens for a reason

and I hope this is a good reason.

Your personality type: "Sensitive Doer"

Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment.

Careers that could fit you include:

Artists, musicians, composers, designers, child care workers, social workers, counselors, teachers, veterinarians, forest rangers, naturalists, bookkeepers, carpenters, personal service workers, clerical supervisors, secretaries, dental and medical staffers, waiters and waitresses, chefs, nurses, mechanics, physical therapists, x-ray technicians.

Result of your test : Your results present a correlation ratio with our model superior to 93 % .( In a general way, a result can be taken into account if this ratio is superior to 30 %.)

Your Profile :

You are 47 % extrovert and 53 % introvert.  Independently of any order of importance : You are able to listen to others, you show a good emotional intelligence, you know how to bring your support to others. You are also a leader, you know how to organize the groups of persons and give them your energy. Finally you are imaginative and creative, you have always new ideas, and you know how to apply them.

Your understanding of your environment :

34% 30% 34%

Facts Feelings Ideas

At first, at 34%, you are focused on the facts and on the reality, and your decisions are determined by your perception of facts.  Then, at a ratio of 34%, you are centered on your thoughts and your actions are determined by your knowledge and your experience. Finally, at 30%, you are attached to moral values and feelings, and you have an emotional relation with the environment.

How you assert yourself :

In your relations with others, your actions and behaviour are determined by your sensibility and that of your partner at a ratio of 63%. Then you are driven at 36% by own will and personal goals.

36% 63% Your will power Your sensibility

Also, the dialogue and exchange of views with others influence your own ideas and points of view at 55%. Your knowledge, your personal learning and your preset convictions interfere in your decision-making at 44%.

44% 55% Your ideas Your relations

Finally, the bonds that you created with your family and friends represent 51% of your core emotions. Your creativity, your openness and your need to open up to renewal in your life have also an impact of 48%.

48% 51% Your inspiration  Your family

The qualities that characterize your personality: Your thinking. you are attuned to others and you show a good emotional intelligence, which allow you to give support to people. at 22 % 22% Your insights. you are thoughtful and deep, you think before getting into action and you know how to communicate your knowledge. at 20 % 20% Your leadership. you are a manager and a leader, and you know how to organize groups of people and how to give them your energy. at 19 % 19% Your emotional intelligence. you are thoughtful and capable of listening to others, you take into account the needs of others before setting up the defined objectives. at 19 % 19% Your contact abilities. you are open and good communicator, you know how to attract people and engage them. at 18 % 18% Finally, you are a creative person, with always new ideas, and you know how to apply them, you are a manager and a structured person, you know how to take into account the needs of each person while leading them to the fixed goals.

Sometimes I feel like just let it go
I questioned, just as how they questioned,
Is it worth it?
Those who went say it is, TOTALLY is.
But the price they pay is different.
Everyone say it will...it's a once in a lifetime experience
You'll be different
But I don't want to extend my study
Seriously don't want
I don't know what bad news they are going to spill on me again
And I have zero confidence in my ability to cope with everything ahead
When I couldn't even handle normal weight and how could I deal with the extra burdens?
She say, you can do it after this.
When you are more prepared, and have more luxury to experience a wholesome package
Not like this

I'm confused.
Why would you want to open the door,
Slammed it repetitively in front of me,
and tell me, it's your choice.
It's your choice to go through the treacherous way and no one can help you if you fall into the pit
Be prepared. Mentally or what so ever.
You know it's never gonna be the same once the Pandora's box is opened.
Once you peek through that door and know there is other possibility,
You can't just be satisfied with the current condition
It serve as a motivation maybe, holding this off
but my EQ is not high enough for me to untangle this jumbled complicated indescribable feeling
SO don't put me on that challenge.

Thank you very much.

Had an awesome weekend. With my beloved BS gang and thanks to my big boss, the KF haha.

It could have been better.

I could have benefited my Sunday more by joining the free clinic/talk by a volunteer from Jordan

but instead, I choose to stay at room with the lamey Internet.

It's a give and take.

You can't have all the fun.

Time to take this piece of advice seriously.

Of course it is a waste,

but I'm tired of rushing around, doing nothing in everything

I really need something called WEEKEND to lag around

and finish the piled up works.

Stop overestimating your capacity!

Although in the end, as usual, I still lag around.

But I like this cosy feeling.

Getting more and more rotten I guess.

So I'm gonna waste my time more by writing a long blog post,

regarding the Kuok Foundation Awardee Get Together and Allen's belated birthday celebration yesterday

This is the first time I get to attend this function.

It was supposed to be annual event

However they decided to stop it since I entered university(swttt)

Luckily they finally decided to have it back before I graduate haha

My lovely group mate. :)

The food alone is worth all my time haha :D

I like the fried rice, curry, fried dumpling, cucur udang, cake, Chocolate PUFFFF, coconut tart

and I haven't even tried all the dishes there!

Sorry I'm too paise to take photo so I just steal from others haha

The only big surprise is I met our Little Keongggg

What a coincidence!

I mean, seeing him at Ayer Tawar is already a miracle,

not to mention out at KL,

where he is supposed to be studying at AIMST.

You know what's bad about childhood friend

They always remember how you used to look like even when you grown up so much

This guy remind me of the nerdy bunch of guys discussing physics and add maths at the back

and PANADOL

Haha, I remember the chess sessions we used to have

and how we used to laughed at him and Zhong a lot.

He is always the schema, reasonable, gentleman and TALLLLL one.

High school, sigh, such a memorable moment.

So proud of my friend!

For being the only one who get the award from private university.

Hope life will be better for you.

You deserve better :) 

Even though you decided to start anew at Johore now,

we will always miss you.

Arghhh, don't know when we can meet again

Back to the gathering,

it was quite a cosy social gathering,

where you get to know some new friends. :)

Enjoy the fun with my new friends there,

and the occasional burst of laughter.
We even get a prize!
and it is a MUCH NEEDED umbrella!
Since I lost my 3rd umbrella in this semester =.=

Our self-made trophy lol

Also, this gathering is a good chance if you wanted to approach some prestigious people
and get a chance into Kuok's group I guess :p
You can talk to some top management here haha.
I like how they ask all these previous awardees to come and share with us
Although nowadays the awardee are not as needy or poor as before
but still, I'm super duper grateful for the helping hand
Meant a lot to me. Really.
I remember how I very cutely did an ugly thank you card for them once I received the letter.
Those old times.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The highlight of the day is of course the BS gathering :p
For unknown reason we seemed to have more gathering this year
Guess everyone is less occupied with activities since we are getting older
Appreciate the efforts of everyone to make this work :)
Really appreciate how we continue this friendship with more stories
It's just amazing how we came together as a gang
HAHA
But I'm glad we made it

This time it's at Klang
Primo's Cafe(My second visit)
I only came here twice in one year and yet eat at the same place >.< swt
I always love Klang for the warm memory we had in that small little room <3
and Cici's mother that always overfeed us with super unforgettable yummylicious food
Heaven :)
Today we are back to here cause finally it's time to have
the open house at the 10star bungalow of our bday boy-Allen.

Quote of the day,
"好久不见，uncle"
‘好酒是拿来喝的~’
要大大力拍手，给很多赞！
Uncle的境界果然不一样哈哈

This picture says thousand words.
Or basically I'm just too lazy to type HAHA
Simply love
The randomness
The smile on every faces
The silly flock

Just love such moments when I can laugh very very hard
without the need of using my brain
because basically these bunch of people are too pointless lol

It's a mixed feeling
to see how everyone grows
How our family getting bigger and bigger
How everyone changed with time
But when we get back together,
we are still the old self

I'm curious
What will happen on our gathering after we graduated? :p

Need some positive energy to balance off the haze in this blog >.<
Like this post.

So RIGID is the word
COuldn't help but impressed by the power of word
This single word can tell me where my failure root from
But of course there is more.
My dearest senior say this is the most common word used to describe beginning clinician,
but I'm supposed to be at another end already. Sigh

This shaping process would be hard,
being someone I'm not in a therapy session,
it is really like moulding skin.

The thing that hurt me the most is,
The 0

Suddenly feel like reading 道德经 lol

Anticipating me, breaking out of all these
Please make it fast
I need my wing to be there when I'm falling down

There is this weirdo guy.
We know about him, we talked about him, but behind him.
Never to him.

We know he is great. He is smart.
He works himself very hard.
Till a point that strains you when you watch him with his computer at the corridor.

Sometimes you stopped to say hi.
Sometimes you tried to ignore him to avoid to awkward hi, then nothing moment
Slowly he don't appear any more.
You don't see him with that shoulder-sinking bag and gloomy face wandering around cafe.
But you never thought about him.
How is he doing recently, no concern at all, because we are not that close after all
He is a big boy, he can take care of himself well
Moreover, he feels better in his own world anyway

Now that he is gone,
people start talking about him,
and ask why.

There is a lot of reason.
You can assume everything.
But we don't really know cause we don't know him.
He was left or maybe he chose to be in his world
Inside that brain with a higher processing speed than any of us,
So many things is going on

Just too shocked to hear someone I know, my age, choose to leave the world
When the chapters of our life are yet to be written
Talked with my uncle.
He shared a story with me,
about how his dear friend end his life.
At a moment when
He had career, happy family with a newborn
They gathered, had dinner and wonderful moments
This is when everything is glittering and you feel so satisfied with life
But not long after that, this friend committed suicide
Nobody understand why
His son, older one, stood in front of the gravestone and say
He don't want it to end this why
Nobody wants
But it just happened.

What is most saddening for me,
is when they choose to end their life
At that instantaneous moment,
nothing could hold them back.
Not a warm piece of memory.
Not the glimpse of a friend.
Not the thought of how sad your family would be.
Nothing. Just end this misery with the fastest way.
And you would be free forever.

No, I'm not blaming those people that choose this path
I just wondered.
What push them toward that way
What make them think there is nothing worth staying
After years of living, forming attachments with family, friends and who know who
They still think this world would be better without them or vice versa

Many laments, we did not provide enough care and love
We should have noticed this
We should have talked to him earlier
Because you think you can wait
But life never waits for you
They tell you to cherish those by your side,
Love your life

But this story doesn't start here
The story start when he was being isolated
When he was slowly marginalized and became one man island
For some reasons, I can totally understand why he is not the popular guy
Because he was socially awkward
Because we can't really relate to him
Because he was little geeky and his discussion always seem so serious
He was not the guy you go yumcha with.
For most people, he was a classmate, group mate, matric mate, club mate but not friend.

When he began series of self-destructive behaviour I couldn't understand
When he fall into some tug of war with himself and choose to turn away with a tragic way,
We have thousands of people to blame but in the end maybe no one should bear the responsibility
He tried. He called so many people and make a very brave decision to change his way.
We tried. Some of us, not much, did try to reach out. Or at least thought of doing so.
Maybe this tragedy is doomed to happen and it has no solution

Because it begin within an intricate mind, 

in a society consist of most complex living being called human,

with the Master Time conjuring life-changing moments---joy or regret every second

We had so little deciding power
therefore none of us should bear the guilt and burden of pushing or leaving him to that way
Everything happen due to a series of events that is affected by millions of major and minor reasons
It's not you. At least not only you. Us, maybe.

Moment of silence for a life,
that could shine so bright but ended with a premature explosion
You should appear in the newspaper for a far better reason
I will remember you, Aivern,
for your amazing British accent
how your speech always made me nod inside like mad and feel like I need a dictionary
for the debate lectures you prepared with such great effort and gave the juniors which I scorned
and sadly, for the way you end your life

The moment I wish we could hold you back and make things right

Should never let you leave this family at the first place

Thank you, for teaching all of us a lesson of life and may you find a better world ahead.
May the rest of us find the better ground in this living world.

Like this amazing lift-out book

There is always more to discover in the world

If you live long enough

度过了很令人泄气的半个学期

是时候 为自己打打气了

终于可以回家

当个无忧无虑的小孩

当然 只是一下下

这短短的假期 to-do-list却长得可怕

原来我的问题 是态度很差

自认很认真 

原来在别人眼里还是不够努力

自我感觉太良好了

很少很少 很认真的去做一件事

莫名的 分割稀薄的努力

真的 不够

那种不知所措的感觉

一次就够了

看着同病相怜的你

真的 无能为力

只能说 我们会熬过去的

会找到 适合自己的方向

要好好为自己充气
被打压的日子还多着呢