For life

There is this weirdo guy.
We know about him, we talked about him, but behind him.
Never to him.

We know he is great. He is smart.
He works himself very hard.
Till a point that strains you when you watch him with his computer at the corridor.

Sometimes you stopped to say hi.
Sometimes you tried to ignore him to avoid to awkward hi, then nothing moment
Slowly he don't appear any more.
You don't see him with that shoulder-sinking bag and gloomy face wandering around cafe.
But you never thought about him.
How is he doing recently, no concern at all, because we are not that close after all
He is a big boy, he can take care of himself well
Moreover, he feels better in his own world anyway

Now that he is gone,
people start talking about him,
and ask why.

There is a lot of reason.
You can assume everything.
But we don't really know cause we don't know him.
He was left or maybe he chose to be in his world
Inside that brain with a higher processing speed than any of us,
So many things is going on

Just too shocked to hear someone I know, my age, choose to leave the world
When the chapters of our life are yet to be written
Talked with my uncle.
He shared a story with me,
about how his dear friend end his life.
At a moment when
He had career, happy family with a newborn
They gathered, had dinner and wonderful moments
This is when everything is glittering and you feel so satisfied with life
But not long after that, this friend committed suicide
Nobody understand why
His son, older one, stood in front of the gravestone and say
He don't want it to end this why
Nobody wants
But it just happened.

What is most saddening for me,
is when they choose to end their life
At that instantaneous moment,
nothing could hold them back.
Not a warm piece of memory.
Not the glimpse of a friend.
Not the thought of how sad your family would be.
Nothing. Just end this misery with the fastest way.
And you would be free forever.

No, I'm not blaming those people that choose this path
I just wondered.
What push them toward that way
What make them think there is nothing worth staying
After years of living, forming attachments with family, friends and who know who
They still think this world would be better without them or vice versa

Many laments, we did not provide enough care and love
We should have noticed this
We should have talked to him earlier
Because you think you can wait
But life never waits for you
They tell you to cherish those by your side,
Love your life

But this story doesn't start here
The story start when he was being isolated
When he was slowly marginalized and became one man island
For some reasons, I can totally understand why he is not the popular guy
Because he was socially awkward
Because we can't really relate to him
Because he was little geeky and his discussion always seem so serious
He was not the guy you go yumcha with.
For most people, he was a classmate, group mate, matric mate, club mate but not friend.

When he began series of self-destructive behaviour I couldn't understand
When he fall into some tug of war with himself and choose to turn away with a tragic way,
We have thousands of people to blame but in the end maybe no one should bear the responsibility
He tried. He called so many people and make a very brave decision to change his way.
We tried. Some of us, not much, did try to reach out. Or at least thought of doing so.
Maybe this tragedy is doomed to happen and it has no solution

Because it begin within an intricate mind, 

in a society consist of most complex living being called human,

with the Master Time conjuring life-changing moments---joy or regret every second

We had so little deciding power
therefore none of us should bear the guilt and burden of pushing or leaving him to that way
Everything happen due to a series of events that is affected by millions of major and minor reasons
It's not you. At least not only you. Us, maybe.

Moment of silence for a life,
that could shine so bright but ended with a premature explosion
You should appear in the newspaper for a far better reason
I will remember you, Aivern,
for your amazing British accent
how your speech always made me nod inside like mad and feel like I need a dictionary
for the debate lectures you prepared with such great effort and gave the juniors which I scorned
and sadly, for the way you end your life

The moment I wish we could hold you back and make things right

Should never let you leave this family at the first place

Thank you, for teaching all of us a lesson of life and may you find a better world ahead.
May the rest of us find the better ground in this living world.

Like this amazing lift-out book

There is always more to discover in the world

If you live long enough