The unbearable

I couldn't even bear to tell others cause statement coming out from my mouth seems to consolidate the fact that he is gone
I couldn't bear to post anything to social media cause simply writing the caption makes me teary
I couldn't bear to start writing about him cause it would be a long sad song
I thought I just need time to get used to that big empty space in the living room, the unoccupied corner on dining table
I guess I need more

I guess life is never the same all over again
Eating my fav charkueyteow wet my eyes cause he ordered us to bought this but now we can only put it in front of his photograph
Munching my mum's eggplant(his fav) I seem to hear his voice reminding her to add salt sugar and cook longer
Watching animal show at TV got me since when we stopped the NG evening routine
Everything seems to be a reminder of him
So many never.
So many could have.
So many together moments.
How do you unplug someone when he is such an integral part of your life.

Last night, when we finally get back our house after all the chaos
we watch TV, we randomly chat and I cuddled with my pillow
Everything seems so normal except the empty room in the back                                                  No one will cough in the midnight and ask for us                                                                            No one will slowly walk out from that room in midnight and scold me for burning midnight oil                                                                               I try not to go near that room but I just feel it Maybe one night is not enough for us to practice to be a family of 3

So don't ask too much.
I am still adapting.
I might cry even though I told you I'm not water tap.
Maybe one day everything will stops to sting so much
And I can smile happily when I talked of him.
Not now. One day maybe.

Trying to tell myself smile because it happened.
Indeed I'm grateful to have so many moments with him.
To see more of him than anyone else.
Maybe I'm not his fav grandchild but I'm the closest.
But I wanted more. I planned for more.
I guess life never follows the plan and never allow us to be prepared.
Just cruel. So heartless.

But I know, this is the best for everyone.
For him and for us.
It is time.
All we can do is regret for the moments we didn't spend fully together and cherish the moments we did.

Thank you, for being such a fussy person ,a story-teller, the one who showed me action speaks louder than words and never stop to surprise me even though we stayed under the same roof for 10 years.
I love you and thank you.
Sorry I didn't said that to you in person and never will have the chance to do so.