Groping for words

It scares me a lot
The fact that I am such a crappy story-teller and persuader
My inability to express my thoughts through words
I need to sieve through every word for slightest things, even a caption, a fb post
This is not me
I used to have a lot to say
Words used to be gushing out like a waterfall and I need to hold them in

But now, I had to fish every word and try to form sentences like a scrabble game
Sometimes the word does come out but it felt forceful
It might not be a big deal for some
After all, we haven't been intensively writing for quite some time
But this is ground-shaking for me
Like my very foundation just got a bit off the ground
When I am groping for words, I am also groping for my lost self
The sentimental and sensitive little soul that kept fading away

Going through a friend's blog and saw a line like this
We studied for years to land the job we have now
Sounded true yet it felt so ridiculous
No I did not go through those books and tests and sleepless nights for a comfy little room in a hospital
In fact whole my life I had been trying to run away from a 9-5 job
No idea why I am stuck in one, though interesting but still a trap
Basically I am free like fluid, once there is a container with shape
I feel trapped, and running away seem like instinctive
But well, like what I always said, if you want a freelance life, get a freelance skill

I have always have a clear mind of what I want to do
What scares me is I am drifting more and more away from them
I keep pushing them to the side to the back
When I look around I don't know what is left
If it is gonna be there for me when I think it is finally the time
Because to be honest,
I am not getting younger, my brain is not getting better
And it sounds like there is no better time to start than now