我累了

不想跑了

但是

不跑 能做什么呢

该去哪里呢

在想到之前

我需要继续移动

發現自己 一有空喘息

就會 滿腦子轉著很多不同的念頭

好的 壞的

明知不該 還想做的

應該做 卻怎麼都不想碰的

總之 我的思緒和文字一樣混亂

也一樣是一團比空氣還空的 無法歸類的物質

今天 吃了很飽很飽的一頓

聽了 很多很多的故事

見了 很想很想見的人

闲闲的聊着 生活的点滴

他說

家多美好 也不能呆太久

突然覺得 我理智的頭腦好恐怖

因為 我有同感

一樣的故事聽太多次 會膩

一樣的人長期在身邊 會忘了珍惜

美好 變成常態 就如白開水 

心情好 它是甜的 心情不還 它是苦的

大多數有選擇的時候 白開水都不是首選

人 就是那麼賤

但還是

感恩每個 美好時刻

感恩 身邊每個 愛我的 我愛的人

用小小的美好 支持者 情緒不穩的我

btw 最近真的太委屈理智了

Ms.Impulse 你可不可以節制點

明白 了解 谅解
但还是不爽的心情
果然 理智和情感
是矛盾的共同体

女人的情绪就是难以理解的复杂
就算 我会拒绝
我也希望 有拒绝的机会
就算 知道是自作自受
还是希望有无条件爱我的天使

今天 虽然用我理智善于分析的头脑
给自己上了一堂课
那道伤痕 也不见得退去
希望我诚实的脸 没有笑得太难看

受伤的心灵
豆腐般的脑 要怎么安慰

卸任的那一刻，
没有很澎拜的如释重负，
就像顺应潮水一样
我们是时候退下来了

就这样两年了，
从一开始很单纯的
参加过热线就直接点头当理事
到很多的culture shock磨合学习到
今天变成大家口中的老瓜~

回头看好像是一片平坦草原
但是 漫长崎岖的过程 我记得
埋怨 厌烦 逃避 不是没有的
最后 还是 心软了 扛下来
因为 舍不得 因为 大家还在
因为 跟大家在一起越来越自在开心
因为 这个家 不能倒在我们手上

每件事都有好坏两面吧！
其实很感恩我们做了两届理事~~
因为很多事情，
第一次我只是漠不在乎的跟着做，
做着第二次的时候，
才真正有体悟和领会~
虽然还是有很多遗憾

但至少 终于终于终于
我真的做到了 我想做的信箱股
有那个privilege 以国大分校升学辅导组的名义回答问题
而且还比人家多一次take two的机会
这样 就算功德圆满吧~
现在 要交手了
真的 是很舍不得的
不过 是时候把人家的机会 给人家了
我对我的选择有信心~~

一路走来
最珍惜的是身边的这群瓜，
一开始的完全陌生抗拒（到现在要说缺点还是一箩筐）
到今天的默契十足 讨论五分钟就可以上场
说真的 一年不够

如果没有一起连任，
一起做两次的校巡--
一个只有我们的校巡，
一起开过很多很多漫长没有结果的会议，
看着彼此成长蜕变
彼此包容互补，
碰壁时帮你呼呼 揉揉头
今天的我们应该还会只是因为会议而聚在一起的十八届理事

感恩你们在我选择逃避、
累到要垮的时候无条件的支持和包容~ <3
重点是 完全的谅解 没有人 骂我
在我觉得自己是宇宙混蛋的时候 只说了一句
知道你忙 有交代就好
真的很感恩这个家
有你们这几条永远不会倒的柱子
我们才能撑到今天

<3 庆幸大学生涯有你们这班都很不正常但是可以陪我一起疯的伴 <3
挨到三四点 开会 纯聊天 唱1小时的K
正常 不正常 有意义 没意义 的事 我们都一起做了

感恩老老瓜烂瓜一路以来的支持~~
看到你们每次很热心关心我们、
给意见希望我们改善的时候，
有时候甚至比我们自己还紧张，
真的有感动到，
虽然不是自己的责任了，
还是忍不住，
升之家就是因为有你们而这么可爱~
虽然我们没有把你们十分之一的好传下去
但是很庆幸我们有机会成为你们的瓜子

真的很爱现在这群可爱的瓜子
看到他们 就觉得多一年是值得的，
也许真的 这次是我用心了
看着他们一次次的练习
不断的鞭策自己
一次比一次更好
我真的想说 以前的我是没有这么认真的~~

不到一年
就看到她们的成长蜕变，
自信地站在台前挥洒自如，
不管是在升学的舞台还是宿舍活动
总是有小小的骄傲
没有要拍胸膛说 是我们教出来的
而是由衷的为她们开心
我们这群没心没肺 现实又凶巴巴的人
怎么会对这些小瓜这么好 我也说不出来

好像是被她们绝对的光 摄住了
那种认真 那种单纯要做好的信念
那种就算压力很要开心的做
那种付出100%还是不够多的付出
是青春还是善良 的光
太美好 很呼吸感染一下 自己感觉也变好了

我们是一群充满缺点 比凡人还多很多缺点的人

看着微微闪着光的她们

相信她们会用她们的超能力
把升之家变成一个更温暖的家
对你们只有无限的祝福的支持~~
加油啦~~ <3

老瓜们 要常常jio我出去哦~~
我们的to-eat-list还是漫长的哈哈~~

最后特别摘录雯女的感言，因为写得太好了，把我的心情写的比我自己更清楚~~

简单的 有一个属于自己的星期日

听起来 就很让人雀跃

终于 可以睡到自然醒 

可以不用赶活动 赶流程·

一天 给自己 慵懒的过

这就是 我的小确幸

I miss the reading and writing me

The one who looked through things with different lenses 

And try to put things in perspective piece by piece

I feel my soul, back then 

the 'place' i regarded as solitude to my social awkwardness during uni days, and the 'place' where i made some of my closest friends through wit sparring... looks like it is falling apart. what can i do? 

What can you do?
and what would I do.

Being a part of the club,
So sorry I'm not the one holding it up,
Instead I'm the falling part

So recently there are a lot of concerns on the gloomy future of the club

And I'm really touched to see seniors offering help and lots of advice

to see people getting furious over the inertness of the club

Because this is how much they care

This is the place they called home in university

A fortress they built for us with so much love, care and guidance

Yet we did not take care of it well enough

But time changed everything

Juniors nowadays are not the one you see anymore

Trainings nowadays are not the training you used to have anymore

No matter you can foresee the downfall or not,

It is happening and I also hope we can find a way to reverse the trend before it is too late

Got a sweet little gift from our beloved senior with a love letter

I wonder how much he remember about me debating during first year

But still, as a little fan I feel like dancing

Because I also remember how he impressed me with his whole white outfit and extreme clarity in analysis and categorization

Reading through the words he wrote

"Don't waste your talent. Don't waste the last year of your university life"

I feel extremely sorry to him. Because I failed him and I have no intention to change the fact. Or incapable to so.

Looking at my peers or even juniors achieving that much in the arena of debating 

Sometimes I would feel bad 

I achieved nothing in my career as a debater

But I have no regrets over my choices

People have priorities in their life

Even though I love debate and the family we have here,

Debate is not the only thing that I love

Probably I should work harder and practice more

I won't say my lousiness in debating is due to my commitment in other activities

It's all about my laziness

Now I am so scared to even debate in trainings because I had not debate for so long

Almost a year to be exact.

But still, I SO WANNA GO TO ROYAL WHY I HAD TO HAVE CLINICSSSSSSSSSS!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other day,

when we were arguing about the principle of the club

Looking at senior that was so on fire and even on the verge of tears

I wonder when I am a super senior,

what would I do if I see the juniors steer my beloved home to crash an iceberg like Titanic

You can give advice but that's all.

It is their time. Their club. Their turn now.

No matter how much you love the club sorry you only have this much time in it.

You had your moment and this is theirs.

If they failed your expectation, this is because you did not form a foundation good enough to suport them

And NO. You can never come back and be the bossy king again.

Don't be a helicopter parents and learn to let go

Slap me to remind me to shut up if you need.

Thanks.

Still, I am grateful to have so many families around in this little campus

Although I can't give full commitment to any of my activities

But I'm glad I did involved in all the things that I love <3 and met so many wonderful people

May all these wonderful places survived through the age of HC and merits

To provide a home for many young souls that needed one

I can only do my best to patch and fill up all the cracks.

I hope I did.

每次跟她说完话 都有想哭的感觉
要顾好你自己
要学会享受这个过程

很压力 想太多 想做好 不想搞砸
所以从来没有享受

怪自己
生了一张不会骗人的脸
慌 乱 失措 难过
旁观者都一览无遗

但是今天 心情前所未有的轻松愉快
不是因为做得很好
而是 我知道了 那种感觉
很认真做材料 很兴奋想要让小孩看到
一起玩得很开心
我笑 他笑
不用拉 不用逼 没有listen listen,sit down
就是这么简单

谢谢你
提醒了我 什么才是最重要的

也谢谢记得我们的小妹妹
谢谢你提醒我 会有甜美果实的

哈哈 不好意思就是想炫耀一下

这种百年难得一次的用心

是值得镶起来的

想要就从今天开始
真的 享受每一次短短的聚会
因为 真的 感觉到的

慢慢的 把每个点连接在一起

When you don't have the time
Hundred things swirling in your brain
You are so stressed about the never-ending to do list
But the thing that you wanted to do most is actually
Write about how stressed you are to make yourself even stressed (y)

When you have the time
You lag around and do nothing
Which makes you feel very good
instead of writing completing all the drafts
and now I feel the irony

我好像病了
越来越认不得自己
态度差到 自己都觉得自己不可爱
冷感到 世界与我无关
不规律的精神状态
只是被别人定的时间表拖着走

很冷 很空 没有动力

庆幸还有
十多年的老友
每次见面 都会狠狠的甩我几巴
提醒我 自己曾经热血温暖奋不顾身
然后冷冷的问 你怎么了
I wish I know

只想
给自己一点时间 一个微笑
看一本书
睡个午觉
给自己一个像样的空间
只是 时间 在哪里
心情在哪里

给自己一个拥抱
去睡吧

So I'm back in KL

Was unconscious in the 4 hours bus trip

With all my reports undone LOL

As usual, the holiday is never long enough

But I did enjoy my Kuching trip and will post a it soon(probably not that soon XP)

Had been lagging around without internet for the last few days

And it was pure depressing the moment I step in this place

I thought of the coming quizzes, reports, assignments, projects

The routine that kept chasing us all the time---plan, case note, report, home program

And that big stone just "phammm" back on my chest again

Recently I got a lot of comments

Probably you don't love it enough

Probably it is not for you

To be honest, these questions lingered around my brain so much

That I can't differentiate it reverberates because I heard it so much or it is actually my own voice

But I know, if I need to count down to make myself go through everyday of it

This is probably not healthy

Some people can bear with it, for decades

Doing something for the sake of doing

Taking up whatever offered to them and make them best out of it

But I need an end point that could motivate me

A final objective that I can associate with

So I would work my way toward it

Because my inertia(i.e. laziness) is stronger than anyone else

So the motivation force just need to as compelling as it could be

For me to just MOVE

You have no space for random thoughts or hesitation now pls thnx

For now, let's hope we can just survive.

Yes, welcome to the second half or my third year.

It will be over soon. Before another nightmarish challenging year begins.

Done with case presentation and mid-sem evaluation
Which means we already gone through half of the clinical practicum for this semester! Hooray :D
I still remember the frustration I had before the case presentation
Because throughout a 10 sessions therapy block
I can't find five minute of decent me,
I don't seek for flawless impressive stage-like performance
I just want a passable presentation
Yet I can't
Luckily they didn't see my video lol

Glad that everything went well and my third idol give me a GOOD =)
Trying hard to press down my tail cause this is just so unexpected
Teehee

Anxiety Item 2-Midsem evaluation checked as well
Even though it wasn't a positive feedback after all,
I am extremely calm after the midsem evaluation as well
Guess I finally set my mind right
They are meant to and paid to give us comment
It wasn't an easy job for them to
To pay full attention and just watch you no matter how boring it gets
Can't fall asleep no matter what time you sleep yesterday (Big challenge if you ask me :p)
So be grateful
They are willing to point out your mistakes
willing to direct you, lead you and sometimes drag you to the right path
Even when you refuse to help yourself, they push you

Remind myself to be grateful to people that are able to identify and willing to tell me my weakness
They are here to make you a better person =D
The words might stab you hard but still, what doesn't kill you make you stronger

最近的我 抱怨很多 怨气很重
这样福气会被你赶跑的！
甘愿做 欢喜受
如果你觉得是负担 一开始就别扛上身
要做 就要做的有价值
半参与 算什么
重复一次
甘愿做 欢喜受
YOLO
Make the best out of everything <3

其實有時候 我很怕回家
看到 腿瘦得只有我的一半
搖搖晃晃站不起來的你
告訴我 你六個星期沒回來了
真的 很怕
怕我下次回來 會是什麼光景

然後會內疚 擔心
會對你特別好 一兩天
然後看不到你 聽不到你的聲音 很多天
那畫面 就會慢慢溜走
我就會忙這個那個去這邊那邊玩
回家的日子一天天的拖

所以偶爾就需要回一趟
讓你看看我 也讓我看看你
才開始擔心
今天就聽到你跌倒的消息
不要讓我擔心內疚好不好
要快點好起來~
我就繼續乖乖的讓你碎碎唸~~
还想 继续碎碎念不乖的你~~

阿彌陀佛 _/\_

------------------------------------------------------------

我可以對陌生人侃侃而言 幫他們分析問題
但家人的問題 我永遠解決不了
只能點頭說我懂 我都懂
但又能怎樣呢？
家人 是很奇妙的緣分
七十年一起成長也會互相傷害
是血濃於水 也代表就算厭惡 也要見面
委屈 不委屈 還是一樣要稱呼叔伯姑嬸
說過 不要給別人傷害你的權力
說易行難
不期待別人會改
只期待自己能放下
繼續過我們快樂的日子不好嗎？

Seriously I need a PA
This is the second time I almost went to KJ for a meeting NOT SCHEDULED at today
Luckily this time I realized earlier
Phew, I don't have time to waste on travelling for TOMORROW'S meeting

Thinking back,
How great could it be if I have a PA
For me to have someone who can record down
all the meetings
deadline of assignments
appointments
to-do-list blah blah blah
My brain is too small to contain everything I need to remember
Don't tell me about notebook!
I'm still finding my last notebook which disappeared after two weeks I started using it


It would be a great learning experience for the lucky Mr./Ms. PA
This lucky person need
rocket level of discipline
persistence to never-never-never-never give up
ability to persuade the lazy stubborn me
highly organized and time efficient
With all these abilities,
you can find job at any other places
or job will come hunt for you.
I should definitely open a training center for newly grad
If you could fare well in being my PA, I'm sure you could endure any other things at work

Phew, it is so tiring to even take care of ourselve
See, so many dimension to take care of


I remembered how we used to laugh when our teachers told us the story
A university student who need his parents to stay together with him
But in the end I think I need someone to take care of me too
I failed at taking care of myself
My mum almost pengsan when she heard I am too lazy to eat fruits
because you need to wash the fruit cut the fruit throw the thing wash your hand/plate
It is a lot of procedure when you write it down right
It is the same with having milo in the morning the washing boiling washing walking
Lucky enough I have very high patient level so I can bear with anything
Or this is the root of the problem?





Love myself too much or did not love myself enough

This is gonna be a busy week.
When I say yes I guess I didn't expect all these
But I so feel like this is a good learning opportunity
To be in the committee of a camp with 800 people

I just don't wanna miss anything
Don't want to miss our last activity together
Don't want to miss any birthday celebration
Don't want to miss the meetings
Don't want to miss our time together

So yeah, this song is dedicated to everyone of you

And I want to put my best effort in everything
I thought I already gave in
This is definitely not my best effort but my bottom line is I cannot produce crap
So as usual, I grab everything in my bag
But I get cranky, very very cranky when I have a long to do list and little sleeping time

This is not me.
The low energy zombie that slides around
Totally not me.

Tomorrow is another day with clinic. Huhhh
and we have case presentation on Friday which I haven't even prepare the video
I have very bad and depressing feeling for this week
SO I dedicate this photo to myself to reverse all the negative feelings haha

IT WILL BE A GOOD DAY!





p/s: holiday is coming soon. Holiday without going home is still holiday. At least I can break free from the cycle of clinic for a week. Better than nothing.