Trying to write my new year resolution at 1.20am when I need to wake up at 6am tomorrow
Not because of the urgent urge, simply because I need to wait to upload my assignment. fml.
Just realized I am being so Asian and I DO FREAKING CARE ABOUT MY RESULTS
But still, when I have the time, I FaceBook more than face book.

Yea coming back to the resolution
Well, being 22 definitely makes me feel old
Being around people of my age who are
Doing all sorts of amazing things at unimaginable height (at least to me)
makes me feel like......what did you do in the past 20 years?

This year, I decided to limit my resolutions to an achievable short list.
Just five. Just nice.
1. Graduate
2. Get fit
3. Write
4. Project A
5. Getaway

I need to get a big poster and stick this in my room lol.
START DOING. STOP THINKING.

So I gave myself a long break
Before the actual holiday comes
And I am proud to say, I earned it

Too tired of the non-stop I dont care about this but I need to do this work
It feels sinful to have holiday
To have whole day to myself without a to-do-list waiting for me

If we are always chasing the time,
What do we really hold in our hand?

As what I cute grandfather said,
there was a time,
when people are free.
Really free.
You only work during the day and when the sun sets
You will have time to sit and chat with your loved one at the front yard
Simply lie down and gaze at the sky and do nothing
Just live.
Work for the meals, make shirts and shoes for the family and nothing much beyond.

When we need to stay with our laptop till midnight/dawn and being chased by deadline everyday
I wonder where all the time flies
Does it really make our life better?

其实也好希望 自己可以好好驾驭自己的情绪
今天 低落了一整天 都觉得眼泪汪汪
今天是该开心的 有很多东西好庆祝
但是看到一些人 一些事 我就忍不住变成一只喷火的龙
张嘴狂喷 但伤到的 总是旁边的无辜百姓

发现自己原来可以很双面人
一头摆臭脸 一转头对另一个人 笑得我自己都觉得好腻
金牛是可以很别扭的 永远不说为什么生气
永远不当面解决问题 只会生闷气 折磨自己 然后发泄在熟人身上
很不健康 我知道 但是 牛性难改

想说 老大不小了 不能再这样任性了
不是每个人 都骂不跑的
不是每个人 被你呼喝后 会乖乖照做 还会回头安慰你

而且 你凭什么生气
别人 明明就尽义务了
你自己 践踏别人也时常有的事
当作是 自己拿苦来吃也好 报应也好
这口气 吞下 哭出来 二选一
别收着了 伤身

Didn't realize I am a loner and control freak until I start to do group work
Wtf wtf wtf
Burning flames right now
Sometimes I wish I can dump everyone and just go ahead myself
Dont need to wait for "stomachache" friends
Dont need to secretly expecting help and anything
Nothing. I am perfectly fine doing things myself
But I am perfectly aware that I can't do everything myself as well

So I waited
So I put on smiley faces and cued
So I trained my patience and counselled myself
And waited, in the best way I can

I don't like to be late
I don't like to be unprofessional
I don't like to do things half way
I don't like to send in stuffs that can't even pass my own QC
I don't like to blame people as well

But sometimes it gets so tiring
I just wanna lie back at the bed and close my eyes
Then I wonder, if I am the only one who care about this, why should I care?
Then I force myself to think about the greater outlook
And I have the strength to go on
But I am still mad at these people

I have this quirky mind
I am rationally enough to logically analyse the reason
I am perfectly sensible and can emphatize with their reasons (or the lack of it)
But I can't hide or bury the anger
Because this is the last defense I have
Anger, that probably hurt myself more than it hurt others
When everyone thought so well for themselves
I just want to shout at their face
"What about the group? What about the others? What about me?"

Maybe I will forgot this soon
Maybe I can still smile at you
But I want you to know, it is different
My protection mechanism is make myself better and stronger
So I can handle everything MYSELF in time of need
In case we met again
Hope you figured out a better way
Or you will feel the same when you meet someone as demanding and unreasonable like me.

Good luck for us.

PS. I am really angry after waiting for one hour at the bus stop.

Initially I hooked on this research because of the supervisor
Yea I am idiot like this because I am too afraid to be under someone I dont want
Or because, there are no other topics I like around

Now that I am really on the field doing it,
I started to love it.
Simply because the wide variety of people I met and talked to
And the reality I saw(part of, maybe?)
I see the desperate need for our services
I see how we should connect to the community because there is this big gap.
There are teachers out there who are eager to help the students but don't know how.
There are parents who make their way through painful experiments
You can sense from their eyes and voice how desperate they are

It is like everyone is holding out their arms to ask for help
But we are not answering.
Because there are too many people shouting and we can only do this much.
So in the end they do it their own way with multiple trial and error
In the end they dont think they need SLP anymore.
Sad fact.

Now this is my story.
I am gonna write it well because I know, it can make a difference.
Stories connect people and bring energy
Stories open your eyes and connect you to all those people out there
Stories let you found evidences, you are not alone, there are some souls in unknown corner doing something, which might be similar with you in some way

Which is why we need stories.
To let people with the same calling find the bridge to reach each other

And this is what I aspire to do.
______________________________________________________________________________

我想，我愛的，還是聽故事
總覺得故事 是最珍貴的禮物
因為分享的 是人生

其實這兩個月在雪隆瞎闖的時候
曾經想一輩子當好命的乘客的我
就開始妄想 在這裡開車
真的 打的士好貴 我要去的地方都莫名的難找
可是 連想都不用想
我的駕駛水平 真的只能在鄉間沒人的馬路 橫衝直撞而已
況且 車在哪裡 油錢在哪裡

所以 這兩個月
坐过很久很久的巴士（可以去马六甲了）
訓練自己 坐的士的時候不要看跳表
厚著臉皮 找車 找司機
為了這個論文 我真的去了好幾個從來沒去過 也不可能會去的地方
有時也覺得自己 好像太認真了

昨天 終於自己鼓起勇氣 車主也鼓起勇氣
讓我 握起方向盤 當起司機來了
我不是一個安全的駕駛人士
吉隆坡的馬路和車 還是很混亂 很嚇人
所以 平安的繞過軍營 山區 不知名的住宅區 火車站
對我來說 是個值得紀念的 #achievementunlocked

感恩
有不放心讓我駕車 的你
願意借時間給我的你
願意借我車的你
願意坐我車的你

感恩你們 讓我相信自己
我的大膽程度 又升級了

歌单偶然闪过这首歌
反复听着“反正”两个字，
突然觉得多这个字好有正面能量
给人一种破釜沉舟的勇气，

摊开手掌 看看正反两面
反正we have nothing to lose,
反正我们都走到这里了，
反正努力了这么久，
反正没有更好的选择了，
就伸手向前，抓住前方的未知吧！

Had a hard time controlling my emotion when I saw this annoying post of our college felo "tegur" students for complaining about the fire frill.
Hello, if you got fire drill at 1am when everyone is rushing aassignments and report, don't you get pissed?
Revealing the identity of the student and cropping people's fb status is even more regrettable
It is a necessary torture for everyone yes I get it
So they came down and endured the whole process
What's wrong with a littte gruntle?
You can't be expecting people cheering over firedrill and wanting more to practice for perfection right
Or be thankful to the admin for being so concerned about our safety
Oh ya, probably we should

I am one of the victim in the fire drill.
Stayed at toh puan and printed my stuff that one whole hour when the firealarm rang non-stop
I don't even have time to sleep and do you think I have the time for fire drill?
So yeah, I am the bad student that don't deserve to stay in this place cause I might be burnt to death when the fire really came *touchwood

Maybe I am influenced by my activist friend
Maybe I just feel the debater spirit
Maybe I have nothing to lose as fourth year
Or simply because this is so wrong
I had this strong urge to comment and ask them to reflect on their attitude(in a nice way of course)
But then, she deleted the post
Good for me and her. Save my trouble and save her from blood pressure spike

But seriously tired of all these kuno people
Felo scold us, office staff scold us, guard scold us,
Kalau tak suka duduk luar
Ini pemikiran zaman apa
Just feel so pathetic seeing all these university students being scolded like 5 years old kid (Ya I been through that many times too)
Feel even more pathetic when everyone think it is the norm
We swallowed all these bullshit cause it is only one time, office staff attitude memang teruk, and we don't dare to fight back any of them.

But come on, it is a basic for university to provide hostel for students
In fact, we fought harder than anyone to stay in this college
It is not kurniaan that we need to bow to you and say million thanks for giving us a place
We are not your anak like you can say "tak suka berambus"
And it is not even your property, your house that we are staying
It is the university assets and you are supposed to be the guardian and ensure our welfare
Seeing all these comments coming from the principal and felos.
Suddenly I am not surprised about the attitude of the staffs.

Stop treating university students like naughty kids that need to be disciplined
I don't even think you should treat any human beings with that arrogant patriarchy attitude.
We earned our rights to stay here.
We should follow the rules yes.
Some of us don't and that is perfectly normal. You know, young bloods.
You have rules and regulations for it.
But unless we violated all those rules, we should have every right to live here and voice out our opinions and get all the facilities that we should have.
Verbal violence are not necessary at all.
We are all university students, you are all graduates, masters and doctors, I am sure we can deal with any issues in a delicate and mature way.
No one should feel hurt or insulted in this process.
Cheers.

一直觉得我妈应该为我唸了很多经
不然 怎么我这懵猪都一直出门遇贵人

虽然吉隆坡的士风评都很差
可是 我总是遇到很温暖 很贴心 的司机
看小妹妹 雨中截的士好可怜 明明放工家庭时光了 还是请我上车了
最后 还要给没有零钱的妹妹 折扣

从挤满外劳的巴士跳出来 被捡上的士
听着安格安娣 碎碎念 一个女孩子怎么夜归 还一个人搭的士
心里是满满的感动
突然觉得 四海皆家人
想起 怡保那位 带我们绕整个师尾找脚车 的大叔
他们口中都是一句 我孩子
安娣 到现在 孩子晚上放工都不放心她一个人回家
我孩子 也像你们这么大 他在外面 我也希望他有人照顾

因为不放心 自己的孩子在异乡漂泊
看到 别人的孩子 也想 照顾多一分
自己何其有幸 可以领略到这份温暖
就是这种感觉吧
自己有溢得满满的幸福 就想分一点出去
爱的循环 是这样开始的

真的 如果大家 将心比心
看到烈日下在地盘工作的外劳 想起家里中学的弟弟也是这么大
看到餐厅笨手笨脚的服务员 想起自己第一次打工砸烂碗的经验
用不同的眼光 加多一点同理心
世界 会更美好

至少 我遇到善良安格安娣的机会会高一点

明明就该是习惯孤独的独生女
为什么 总爱碎碎念 总爱叨扰人
脑子里 总有一个声音
很多时候 这把声音 很想找个出口
所以 常常突然pop在某人的聊天信箱 说些有的没的
三天两头Po在社交媒体 侵占人家的newsfeed
但是出现得太频密 我会不好意思

不过 不管有没有人听 大家有没有兴趣 我就是非说不可
你问过我 不了解 为什么有人这么勤帖文 为什么这些事要跟世界报告 强迫大家做听众
我想 好像没有更好的出口了
难过时只能把我的垃圾组成照片下一列列的句子 是可悲
但是 我不需要有人对我说了解 我不需要有人拍拍肩膀
关心 有时太奢侈了 大家都好忙

我只要 吐出来 就舒服了
虽然 情绪不好的时候 吐的毒液很伤人
可是 社交媒体本来就是口水糖水泪水混到乱七八糟的地方
就好象你在 很脏的地方 突然觉得 乱丢垃圾是再平常不过的事
我没有很高的道德标准 我从恶如流
但是如果毒汁溅到你 不好意思
你可以继续把你的垃圾丢回这个大垃圾桶
找到你的方式 把你的毒汁吐出来就好 不然会内伤

回家的主要原因 也是因為 聽說他想我了

當他說 你六個星期半沒回家了

我的愧疚感 立刻飆到外太空

那個 上次好像說過11月尾會回家

但是 心裡還是有小雀躍

因為他的記憶裡還是很好 哈哈 為什麼沒有遺傳給我

公公這麼精 孫子這麼懵 不像話

聽著 喋喋不休地說著中國的故事 我似懂非懂的點頭

感覺真的 到家了

其實假期一個月窩在家 也不見得說了多少句話

但是這次 他是很認真把握機會 

電視演什麼就說什麼

面有中國的面 柿子有中國的柿子 酒席有中國的酒席

小別果然有助加深感情 哈哈

他真的 寂寞很久了吧

這種故事 不是每個人懂得欣賞 雖然其實我真的只聽懂六成

聊勝於無啊

我這輩子最大的疑問

就是為什麼 一個人

可以記每一樣東西記得那麼深

家門口的柿子樹 後院的竹子

怎麼煮的紅糖漿 米糕 豬肉羹

離鄉80年 口裡叨叨念念的還是這些

好在他記得的東西夠多 我還沒聽完聽厭哈哈

然後 因為聽說鄉下沒賣這個柿丸而難過好久

我還以為就是像柿餅的東西 

結果搜索一下 才發現真的是古田特產 而且好像真的絕跡了（OMG）

一開始搜索柿丸 給我出一大堆日文網站 是想怎樣

好在 最後找對了

看到一堆人自稱大橋人 感覺好奇怪 

哈哈 我公公也是大橋人 我算我四分之一嗎

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/78873734.html

題外話  在沒有奶粉的年代 

沒有母奶和的孩子怎麼辦

媽媽說 以前的人 會將尖不辣的種子磨爛 當奶粉泡水

公公說 更古老以前的媽媽 會將柿丸混合飯咬爛喂孩子吃

我在想 他是不是有吃過 才這麼念念不忘

柿丸 网络唯一的照片 什么都看不到啦

就像 現在不知道還有沒有的 柿丸一樣

有些人事物 就算熟悉的已經是風景的一部分

就像 躺在懶人椅上的身影 雖說是比客廳的電視桌椅櫥櫃更古老的存在

隨著時間的變遷 會漸漸步向對岸

我會很怕 

他生病的時候 緊閉雙眼不打呼的時候

會忍不住想探探他的呼吸 需要確認只是沉睡不是永眠

他說要等我畢業

其實我想說 我快畢業了

你可以等我結婚嗎 那個 還有很多年 哈哈

兩年后 我要慶祝你健康的一百歲 

這次 約定好 冬至要回家

結果還是有程咬金 要去負責playgroup（完全忘了什麼時候上的賊船）

不過沒關係 花生湯圓 我搓定了

你就等著吃吧 嘻嘻