So finally I had my first experience of a play group. With children with hearing impairment.
Ironically it is not in our own clinic
Anyway I saw the post by senior in the Speechies group
I was like, yeah I missed the last AVT program and I should totally go for this one
Btw I think this AVT name was totally a hook
Nothing much to do with Auditory-Verbal Therapy really
It was a parent support group event
So they invited some speakers to share about techniques to communicate with HI children
and the parents need some babysitter obviously
So here we are to conduct some meaningful functional therapeutic activities for the little angles

Surprisingly all these children with hearing impairment and their siblings were so lively
The best adjectives for them is noisy
They were running and shouting around when we reached there.
The true face of all these monsters lol
Their excitement level so high I don't know how to handle nia

Anyway
Glad that I went for this event even though it is the day after our coursenight
Was totally exhausted and drained off
Was really worried that I would overslept
(I basically missed every 8am lecturer that week)
But good that my brain recognize the importance of this thing and wake me up on time
Also really thanks to jp who willing to accompany me(im not sure is it entirely by self-will or she is just too soft-hearted :p )

Glad to see an old senior
She was so warm and even introduced me as someone who helped her a lot in her thesis
lol I think you got the wrong one
I was the session helper in the thesis project for two times only I guess
It was very precious experiences because I never saw any children with cleft lip and palate since then
Too bad no chance to explore if I will like this population
I only remember therapy with CLP kids involve a lot of pinching nose lol

All these volunteer thingy.
You forgot what you did after some time.
What you learnt.
All you remember is that feeling.
Doing something new. Talking with parents.
Having fun with these kids(Yea all the hair tangled moments will turn into fun in your memories)
That satisfaction. Just that alone is enough.

So for this day we went to KL Library
(Yes there is a KL library and it was quite pretty but cant see the book, just like our national library
Can never understand why they like to hide the books
but finally we saw the I LOVE KL logo! Too bad cant take photo)
The session wasnt really planned and the kids werent really predictable
So basically we were kindergarten teachers for one day
With all these springy jumpy kids the thing I did the most whole day is pull them back and ask them to sit lol
and bringing children to washroom >.<
Nanny in daycare center. The parents peeking in during their break just make me feel totally babysitter.

Anyway we had fun with all the activities
Really trained my interaction skills and play skills plus language stimulation skill
But dont really have chance to practice all the techniques of acoustic highlighting and stuff
Because it is simply too noisy
Sang nursery rhymes for N times till I am literally out of breath
The kids like London Bridge so much and they form such a cute train
Best thing is they liked the story telling part
They were so engrossed and so excited when we asked them to act out the story haha
I had fun being the actor as well. Shout and run like I am really chased by a bear. Maybe I will be calmer when I see a real bear lol.
But yea it is good to throw off everything and just have fun

Came to think that I actually wrote that I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher during my SECONDARY school.
I must lost my rational on that time. This idea is insane.
Yea not primary so not naive thoughts and I kinda surprised my Malay teacher
She was seriously concerned about my career choice and wanted to give me a counselling session lol
I still think I love kids
But they drained away your energy so fast!

No matter what you always learn something from others.
They were actually much better than what I expected.
For example I thought this little kid who did not talked at all was severely delayed
Siapa tahu after mingled with me he was super verbal and even requested to do commands with 5 item!
LOL I also can't remember 5 things at once this boy really pushing the limit huh

They might be happy normal growing lively children in any other way
But still they are living with a device.
Yes to the minimum extent at least they are fortunate enough to get HA or CI early in life
But that device brings them more than increased hearing ability.
With it comes the label. and a lot of perceptions from others
Being a SLP-to-be and learned so much about aural rehabilitation and cochlear implant but
I cant get accustomed to the view of a device hanging around the back of your ear. Or on top of your head.
I am grateful for existence of such wonderful technology but still
Looking at the electronic device that needs extra care and battery for sustenance dangling around
I cant helped to feel worried for them. For the uncertainty and unreliability of the device.
Every 15 minutes I need to help a child to wear their hearing aid or cochlear implant device cause it fall off
Nothing can hang on their ear for long when they run and jump like this
But I dont really have a lot of experience with hearing aids and some of the devices are emitting feedback
and I was like......did I put it on correctly? Do I need to adjust?

Can't imagine how the parents need to take care of all these
Since most of the kids are not mature enough to take care of themselves
This is a full-time commitment
You know having a kid with disability require extra commitment
and these parents are definite the A star student cause they even attended this extra special class
Thumbs up!

Well, my SV commented about me being ignorant of the situation of parents at home
This is a good chance for me to have a glimpse of the family functioning
Just managed to took a very small peek and had some random chats with the parents
But it is better than nothing
Gave me a more realistic picture of how things going at least

What shines the most throughout the event was----Sibling love.
Looking at the protective brother and sister of the children with hearing impairment.
I was so touched.
They literally form a wall beside their loved one
Protect them defend them and voice out for them
Because they know they need to be strong to protect their little siblings
They looked so mature and motherly/fatherly
They were like, *shove strangers away* dont walk near, dont harm him/her, this is my family!
Even though those little kids are spoilt and like to throw tantrum but....
They were in the "this is my family so only I can scold them mode.
You say one thing and you are dead."
That aura is just pure love. Awwwww <3 <3 <3
I believe this is a blessing in disguise.
May this sibling love prevails and persist

One day the protected one will grow up and be the pillar of support in times of need.





Will have a playgroup for HI children in coming two weeks and we need to plan for it now.
Not sure if I am really looking forward to it(study week and exam first >.<)
but I hope I can see some familiar faces =)
Will miss you kiddo

鄉下妹是很傳統的
一直覺得 逢年過節一起做應節食物
是一件很重要的事情
因為 就是 這份回憶 這份滋味
讓這些節日有意義

說真的 屈原楚辭寫得多好 今人大多看不懂吧
他對中華文化最大的貢獻 還是粽子兮

每次冬至 一起搓湯圓
用 斑斕葉 火龍果 蘿蔔汁 把粉團染成不同顏色
小時候 總是搓不圓（其實現在還是 =。=）
端午節包粽子 應該只做過一兩次吧
甚至是心血來潮的 做餃子 包子 菜粿
我都記得那個畫面
兩母女 在廚房 在後廳 或在地上
圍著幾個小碗 手裡拿著粉團 又搓又包的
然後媽媽就會開始細說從前
當年外婆是怎麼做糕點
還是小孩的她們要怎麼幫忙
現在回想 都很珍貴的親子時光

那種用心的準備過程
跟一口把食物吞下的體驗
是完全不同的
從粽葉 糯米 栗子 一樣樣挑 炒香
往粽葉里塞滿材料
細心地扎好 不讓餡料露出來
用幾個小時的水蒸氣 把糯米蒸軟
看著它從米粒 變粽子 的成長過程
也是很令人感動的捏

老實說 自己做的 不一定最好吃
尤其是你有一個健康意識很高的主廚加一個糊塗的助手
你可以想象 我們的產品 是沒有品檢QC的
但是 自己吃起來 特別有滋味
因為你知道
這個忘了放花生粉 那個很肥的是我包的
那個爆了的 還是我包的

就是 那種 一起完成一件事的小小滿足感

讓所有食物 自動加5顆星

感恩我這個遊子 還有吃居家粽子的機會
雖然 我到現在還是什麼都不會做
（最近認真覺得我的learning mechanism有問題）
還是很懶惰洗東西
但是如果老媽不嫌麻煩 我還是堅持要做

雖然沒有包100粒派街坊
我們還是吃了三天的粽子早餐加午餐lolol
不過吃的很開心過癮
這些粽子 算是reach maximum potential了 人生無憾啊

雖然遲了，還是祝大家端午節快樂！

沒有長篇大論要發表

只是覺得

是很美麗的文字

她的文字就是一種態度

是一種堅定的溫柔

溫柔的堅定

正是我們欣賞心潔的地方

人家的感情事 

不是外人三言兩語可以說清的

就算是狗血的小三鬧正宮

人家說一句 要一起走下去

是委屈 是幸福

就要看她的造化了

只能 祝福

Had an non-productive weekend with much fun
It is very depressing to slept at 2am for one whole week
But......if this is the price I had to pay for the fun,
I guess I just have to bear with it.

So we finally had the AGM for the KTSN debaters club :)
Had a luxurious lunch at Sushi Tei with bunch of noisy kids
Was surprised to see almost all Bangi debaters came as well!
Wow, that was what we called gathering
But too bad I didn't really have chance to talk to Darryl.....
All my batchmates are graduating this year gosh!
Now I am the oldest undergraduate in this club! Other than Patricia haha

With the young kids. I feel old lol

The big family photo <3

And I found out......I L.O.V.E raw salmon!

(My purse is gotta have a bigger hole from now on)

By the way this is the first time our KTSN UKMdebaters are having election

Debaters that always champion right were not given rights to vote at all

Dictactor and senior power prevails here

Historical ground-breaking moment and we have our dinosaur senior Darryl as the Election Committee lol

Apparently someone's maths is too bad---can't differentiate 2 and 3 >.<

I am sooooooooooooooo glad to witness a speechies as the venerable President lol

Flanked by two deputy-a Dental and another Speechies hehe

May the new committee bring the club to the right path in the coming new semester :)

Back to JingSi Cafe again to met JiaYing and finish some work here.
Such a big coincidence that Yang Wei Han is giving a talk here today =)
So listened to some nice stories and songs while I am working on my assignemnt
Sorry not an attentive listener but I enjoyed his sharing
and truly anticipating his coming Musical Drama
It is at Istana Budaya! Totally should go for it!
Any free tickets around? *wink*

Love all his sharing on Dharma and Buddhism
Guessed my temper became so bad recently cause I didn't read much recently
Totally need some nourishment and cleansing here
I wish I have the time(if you scroll fb a little bit lesser >.<)

Ended Saturday with a discussion that last till 2am and here we go for an exciting Sunday.
__________________________________________________________________________



And.....finally we D.I.D it!
Finally had Dialogue in the Dark after series of surprise lol
First time---it was closed on Monday >.<
Second time---my persuasion doesnt work

Third time---I am totally unaware that my watch was late for 30mins and we missed our bookings! Luckily the staff allow us to change ticket =) So nice of them

Thanks to JiaYan who are still willing to come with me
After few unsuccessful tries I actually gave up since this is such a hectic week for us
So I sent this girl a link(http://www.timothytiah.com/2014/05/23/how-it-feels-to-be-blind/) and think it is fine for us to read through and assume we experienced these as well
But she felt more like trying after reading through it
Yeah, my tactic works lol

Always felt experience is the most valuable thing one could get with money
It was fun, experiencing everything by touching and hearing only
Sometimes this world is too much for us

Sensory overload and in the end you can't appreciate anything

Feeling the wind and the bird chirping is so refreshing and calming =)

But still, darkness is not something we are familiar to

We had sticks, wall and guide yet we felt insecure without things/hand to hold.
Our experiences were just one tenth of what the blinds really felt
Because they have none in the reality.
Instead, they had noises, crowd and I can imagine the situation is only harsher for them.

I feel really grateful when our tourguide Mimi shared her story with us <3
She is so inspiring and her story is so moving
Another thing I feel like wanna salute her is she had this urge to tell her stories to the visitors every day
to awaken them to encourage them
She stressed to us so many times.
If I can finish university, you can too!
If you think this is miracle, you can create miracle as well <3
Treat the person with disability as equal
She had so many messages to tell the public and I think this is just the right place for her
All the best to you Mimi =)
You are the change you want to see in the world and this world is a better place because of you.

Btw, for those who are interested to go for Dialogue in the Dark, don't be upset if you missed it because they will open a permanent center at Jaya One after July! :D

Brought Jia Yan to my favorite Petronas Art Gallery before and after DID
So glad she enjoyed it as well =)
She are so serious in interpreting all the artworks
For the first time I felt so good to have a company at the Art Gallery
We had so much fun guessing the ideas of the author or simply commenting on their work =)
This is the second time I'd been to their READrawing exhibition by the way
But I still feel amazed by all the artworks =)
Cheers to Petronas for this awesome place :D
Petronas is always my favorite company haha.

Lastly, had a free food sample feast around at the so-called Korean food fair at ISETAN
Get so full from all the free food, from fried chicken to maggi to biscuit to ice-cream :) teehee
and bought FEW boxes of Kellogs and decided to be Santa Claus for one night
Providing room delivery service to my little kuacis <3 at 1230am >.<
Cause I was too caught up with the Thomas cup and only started to write sweet notes on 1130pm
Every 15 mins I was surprised at how late it was but the surprise is.....
These little kuaci havent slept yet....gosh! Masa I first year dulu I pun tak busy macam ni lo
For unknown reason, just feel like treating them well and pamper them with love
Don't envy ya, next time we will have some for old people haha.

I miss my weekend terribly now :'(

.......................Don't misjudge me!
I did most of my assignments before I went out and WeT lo
But you know la, the workload never finish one.
Last week liao still got assignment >.< Bangwall!

你看看大夥兒合照 就你一個人沒有笑
是我們裝傻 還是你真的有很多普通人沒有的困擾

我才懶得給你解藥 反正你愛來這一套
為愛情折腰 難道不是你一直以來戒不掉的癖好

你在想誰想到睡不著 你應該覺得驕傲

很多人想失戀也沒有目標 只是想睡個好覺 別炫耀

別說你還好
沒什麼不好 你就怨日子枯燥
沒什麼煩惱恐怕就想到什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了
你給我聽好 想哭就要笑
其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱



新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉
渺小的控訴 就是你想要的生活情調
還會有人讓你睡不著 還能為某人燃燒
我親愛的 這樣浪漫的煎熬不是想要就能要
別炫耀

別說你還好
沒什麼不好 你就怨日子枯燥
沒什麼煩惱恐怕就想到什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑
其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱
新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉
渺小的控訴只是證明生活並不無聊

別說你還好
沒什麼不好 你就怨日子枯燥
沒什麼煩惱恐怕就想到什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑
其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱
新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉
渺小的控訴只是證明生活並不無聊

別讓我知道
其實你在背著我們偷笑

聽到了嗎

不要再依莫了

生活再失序

還是有美好的地方

給自己一個擁抱

是時候 振作了

只有你自己

能把自己的人生整理好

所以我也发球迷疯一起去追汤杯了
經過麻麻檔 看到一排排黑壓壓的頭
方向一致 全神貫注對準電視機
我也忍不住了什麼assignment什麼讀書
都跟著理智 被埋在地底了
湯杯 兩年一次 不看直播 看報紙哪過癮
話說 馬來西亞居然二十二年沒拿過湯杯 OMG
從我出生以來 全國人民都在等著這一刻啊
所以這次一定要好好加持一下

話說运动从来跟我扯不上关系
我唯一會的 就只有羽球
羽球是我唯一和家人 一起看 一起打 的运动
所以 現在看著球賽 真的有很多特殊的回憶

记得从小到大 跟妈妈一起看汤杯
我都是支持中国的
因为我大爱林丹
老妈很爱国 也很有爱心
她都支持会输的一方

虽然不爱国
还是要支持林丹
因為他那股王者霸氣
第一次看他打球 就被攝住了
雖然朋友一直笑我是愛看他脫衣
但是 我真正愛的
是那種 這冠軍非我莫屬你們誰都別想染指 的氣勢
是對自己 200分的信任
但是 他的自信不是盲目的 而是真的有料
當他冠軍越拿越多 球技越來越高 越打越輕鬆的時候
我真的很懷念 那個不滿二十歲
像火箭般直升空中 然後奮力殺球 扣球的傻小子
很大聲用球拍告訴世界 我是世界最強 的小子

球場 是公平的
沒有人 可以不經練習
就這樣 手握球拍步入球場
然後 奇跡似的獲勝
有人說 這些比賽 對李宗偉不公平
但是 練習 別人說不定練得更刻苦 壓力 難道對手沒有嘛
有人說 中國贏了這麼久了 可不可以讓其他國家贏一次
但是人家中國投入多少人力物力時間 人家的運動員也是這般苦練 他們的努力 難道不需要肯定
球場上那一個小時
背後不只是運動員的心血 運氣 還有整個國家的體育資源
資本夠厚 實力強大 管他什麼裁判不公風向不順

無論什麼比賽 只要有林丹鮑春來（這個真的純粹因為他可愛）
我都是喊中國加油的
直到2012年那個夏天
跟朋友 拖著行李 在飯店門口
看著已經是拿督的李宗偉
跌了 再站起來 再跌 再站 再跌 再站
看著他臉上的表情
那種堅毅 到最後的絕望
我突然 不忍心了
以前我會覺得
就是球技不如人 天不助你 還能說什麼
但是那一刻 跟全國人民的心一樣
我希望 他能了願
不是為了馬來西亞
而是為一個盡全力奮戰的運動員
給他一個 他應有的肯定

這次馬來西亞對日本
我終於可以來發揮我的愛國精神了
雖然今年的團隊我跟大家一樣
只認識李宗偉和陳文宏

球賽真的很精彩
球速快得完全挑戰我的eye-tracking ability
我的processing speed更是完全追不上
真的是靠身邊的歡呼聲
來判斷我們領先還是落後
太快了 球太快了
球快得你要想往左還是往右
球已經碰地了
真的 沒有magic 只有basic
只有不斷不斷不斷的練習
才能在球場中 讓直覺引領你

前面還看很冷靜
第一男雙第二男單都敗陣時
慢慢的cafe清了三分之一
自己心裡在想 還要看下去嗎
那個你去看湯杯 是沒有人幫你做功課的哦
可是他們已經有整個馬來西亞在為他們吶喊了
不過 還是決定支持到底
畢竟 看現場 跟看媒體成績感覺 差遠了
他們看不到 但是也可以感覺到 遠方的支持 <3

第二男雙完全帥氣拿下第二分
劉國倫大逆轉拿下第二局的時候
我真的high了
完全處於亢奮狀態
興奮到 感覺渾身觸電
真實前所未有啊
最後關鍵幾分更是緊張得我快把自己的手抓斷了

球賽很精彩
大家的表情也很精彩
李宗偉經典的中槍跌坐抓頭
白髮北北的經典表情
好多披著國旗的無名氏
帶著印度王子頭飾的日本人
都好可愛哦
哈哈 算是舒緩大家緊張的神經吧

現場的評論更精彩
坐在一堆馬來公的後面
他們的comment太好笑了
大仁哥還沒出來他們就不斷呼喚男雙---要讓隊長上場
大仁哥出來後---大仁哥我們要假期
大仁哥失誤連連
---你怎麼那麼菜？（原來馬來文也有菜這個形容詞）
---你不怕回來在機場被圍堵？
然後整個KTSN也立即組成一隊
要飛去印度拯救馬來西亞
哈哈 最好笑的是
要不是A生病 B要考試 我們就不會勉強派大仁哥上場了
他們喊得是那麼激情投入
在想 如果你們聽到全國各地每個角落的支持者的聲音
會不會打得更起勁 還是更壓力
每次得分的歡呼
每次失誤的哀歎
都是一次國家級的地震

最後還是很遺憾的 跟湯杯無緣
（ps 李宗偉跟獎杯真的很無緣）
雖然說今年的湯杯陣容本來就不是去贏的
（去timba pengalaman 怎麼不派年輕點的 >.<)
這樣的表現真的很棒 雖敗猶榮
還是不喜歡大家一面倒的說
盡力了 打得很棒了
不好就是不好
明明有實力 還失水準更要死
態度差就是態度差
沒有奮鬥精神就是沒有奮鬥精神
如果 我們不給誠實中肯的評語
那他們永遠不會進步
你看球賽時 教練團 隊友的表情
雖敗猶榮這種漂亮話 還是免了吧

連我這個門外漢 看了幾屆湯杯都看得出
馬來西亞選手 永遠死在網前
心理狀態更是沒理由的沒信心
是羽球場壓力很大
尤其單打只靠一個人更慘
看著他在球場上時
我也在想 整個馬來西亞的希望
就寄放在他身上 會不會太重了
接下來我想的是
怎麼我們沒有別人了嗎 他的肩膀好像還扛不起

我們的球員 平均都24,25
想說 這是第一個湯杯 也是最後一個湯杯是嗎
這是球員生涯巔峰 也近末期了吧
看著他們追著年輕球員在球場跑的這麼吃力 真的不忍心
像李宗偉這樣三十歲的人了 還在羽球場滿場飛 真的是個例外
而且他每次都在體力上吃虧
我們難道要他打到四十歲嗎？
我們難道沒有有潛質的年輕球員嗎？
我到第二村美化禮堂都可以找整打給你們好好栽培
整個馬來西亞 成千上萬的孩子 在打羽球 發李宗偉夢
我們居然有青黃不接的現象 情何以堪

所以更佩服日本人
羽球 在日本完全就是冷門

他們卻還是那麼認真慢慢經營

十年磨一劍
才有今天的黑馬
而且他們的團隊精神好棒
反觀馬來西亞團隊都好少抱在一起吶喊的畫面
我們有好多好多可以跟人家借鏡的地方
包括挑教練的眼光lol
但是這些不好說，可能那時的他實力真的擠不上教練行列
Izuan說一句話我印象深刻
當年那個很輕易的就打敗Momota的Zulkifli，
我不知道他現在去哪裡了
是啊，我們的年輕球員都到哪兒去了？

我以今年的團隊表現為榮
但是 你們不是最好的 因為你們還可以做得更好
我相信 我們都看到了
下一次 我們能做的更好 我相信

That moment
I felt like I failed my whole counseling course
Ignoring the fact that I wasn't mentally present in class the whole semester
I did took a counseling course
But I was completely speechless on that moment
And I can't resist myself to guess
Is it tears swirling in his eyes?

This is not the first time he mentioned Aivern
Abruptly
He tried so hard to grab every chance he can and cannot
Then every time there would be this awkward silent moment
s.i.l.e.n.c.e for 10 seconds
Then people would continue whatever they are talking about
And apparently, he is now the white elephant no one wants to talk about

Thought of taking this case as my scenario for counseling assignment but I dare not do so
Cause I can't solve the case.
Plus the way debater talk and express their emotions are so peculiar I don't expect normal citizen could understand
So he told me he really hate the fact Aivern took away his life.
By hanging himself. He could suggest a lot more better ways.
He hate the fact that their last memory is about discussion of pedophile
He tell me how people suicide because they want to show they still have control over their life
By ending their life they just want to tell you they are the boss >.<

The logic goes here.

So we listened to the whole story
and his girlfriend managed to divert his attention
He will get dismissed, again and again
until someone figure out what to say
I know, this is a way for him to release the sadness.

In fact, I felt warm inside
Someone always kept him in mind
After all the sensational discussion faded
He remembers. He hold on to all those memories and the only thing he wish to do
Is to have a better farewell.
Too bad Aivern didn't gave us this chance.
Too bad we didn't move into his sight when he was struggling at the dead end

I know this question is meaningless but I still wonder,
If he saw all these people who kept him dear in heart,
will he make the same choice again?

It might sound bizzare,

but I am starting to like all these assignments

even though they make me stay up till 3 am every morning

(true reason is I couldn't stop scrolling)

I love to be stimulated.

To learn new things. Have new thoughts. Be inspired. 

Love the feeling of

having a question stuck in your mind and you cant think of anything else

Your curiosity demand you to find out the answer

Even though it is not necessary

Even though it took up so many of your time

Even though everyone told you to stop

But you still cant

You went round and round to various website

You thicken your face to pm people that you dont talk to

Because you must. You are compelled to.

You just need to get the key or else you are stuck in that haze

Surprised to found this spirit inside me

Just so glad I am still this curious little baby

Love this feeling when I am giving the verdict in a debate

Even though a lot of my statements are baseless

Was quite impressed by myself for being able to speak for 30 min lol

Somehow I got an empty brain but can speak for that long >.<

I know I am not a good debater/trainer/adj

But this is the best I could offer and yea, 

I love this bunch of crazy random lovely juniors

So much that I am considering postponing my go home trip
Yea I am amazed by myself too

On a sidenote,

I always think one needs to have lots of confidence and courage to speak

Just voicing out your opinion

Either in front of a crowd or a bunch of people

You need more than the ability to speak, you need faith in your content too

Some can be so eloquent without knowing anything about what they are talking about

But some always have this doubt inside that they could never present their ideas with full confidence

I don't know which one is better or worse

But recently I am getting more and more timid

Probably because my confidence is shrinking as well >.<

Back to my love life mode,

Love the feeling of being inspired

Love my constant source of inspiration.

That guy, he is always shining with dazzling lights

The passion and sense of expectation

The excitement when he talks about the coming future

That glazing eyes could lit up any listeners

So grateful for his wonderful presence because he always show me

The bigger path and wider world

The better and achievable me

It is time to find my own source of fire

Thank you so much <3

Although I hate this

But I am forcing myself to love this

Feeling of arguing with people

Really need to stop this pattern of shouting then silence mode

Or grab the thing and do it my way

Total dictactorship mode

Learn to communicate please girl

And you are supposed to teach people how to communicate

Irony of life. Always hit you right at the point.

Time to get out of the emotional swamp

Because you have no time to be down

Need to get on full-force mode so you can barely go through this.

Btw.

Juniors were surprised I had 5 assignments left for this coming week.

5 ONLY they say lol

Well there is something known as quality and quantity

Itu assignment bukan kira dengan jari punya o ah moi

Anyway welcome to speechies life

It spells endless assignment as well

So finally can say goodbye to my clinic and also 518

I was counting down for this day

Thought it would be "phewww finally back to normal life" moment

But apparently life is never easy

I just fall from a sleep-deprived week to another crazier week

Closer to dateline with a longer to do list fml

First time ending a camp with negative emotion

The moment I dragged my bag and crossed the road

I was like an explosive fire ball

Am so stressed that I can't help with the cleaning up

I tell myself: If you can't do something whole-heartedly and willingly, don't do it.

So I came back earlier, irregardless of the consequence

When I am working on our presentation slides straight till midnight

with less than 8 hours of sleep in 3 days

I really feel like I would collapse like I can close my eyes anywhere

But after getting some rest this afternoon

I finally get out of the I-might-close-my-eyes-anytime mode

and feeling normal again

I guess it is part of my sleep-deprived symptom

So yeah, this is the biggest camp we ever organized

With nearly 600 participants and 300 committee member,

It is just soooo huge for me to handle lol

This is the first time I took up the responsibility as the Coordinator(little one among giants)

I should feel very very proud. 

For all the effort we poured in these two months, all the meeting in KJ, all the spamming emails 

finally bear the fruit that we want

But no. I don't have the sense of accomplishment. Not a little.

I always believe in one principle.

The more you contribute, the more you gain.

For this time being, or for quite some time, I wasn't being the contributing one.

No hard work, no sense of achievement. Fair enough.

But if you ask me did I feel 

No regret. Maybe little.

No regret for taking up the post because I really learned a lot,

and there will never be a good timing.

But also little regret because I did not put in my best and 

I guess I forgot the motto I always repeat to myself during high school.

Never do things that will make you regret.

Sometimes I wonder since when I became so selfish

Irresponsible. Detached. Cold

My fittest survive theory tell me my priority come first, 

because if I don't solve my own problem,

No one else can/will help and you are the only one bearing the direct consequence.

I know this is bad for social survival

But I can't unlearn it now

Just like I can't turn of my judgemental eye

After a camp, all the comments turned so positive

Great job! Everyone is wonderful! Daebak!

Like all the mess never occured and we created a dream camp together.

But I knew, there were so many imperfections

There are so many things that could be better

I can't truly congratulate the committee nor myself sincerely

I can thank everyone for their contribution, be grateful things went well, 

but to congratulate on the success,

I just can't say out things I am not fully convinced of.

Being able to see from behind the scene

Also endowed me with a new perspective

Due to my grey mood recently, my view was grey too.

Being the pampered particpants and being the committee is just so different

I guess I just haven't adapt to my new role,

That's why I got really annoyed with the demanding act of some people

And behind the all wonderful stage there is a lot of hard moments.

Struggle, negotiation, compromise, endless discussion

But what touches me the most is all the

Who contribute and give everything out conditionlessly

They attend the meeting more frequently and punctually than us 

even though they have career and family to take care of

They are the strongest pillar and without them,

SERIOUSLY We couldn't make it without them.

I couldn't be more grateful to them.

刻意經營的感動，還是感動嗎？

Despite all the negativeness I did enjoyed the process

It was truly a learning and growing process

Being the coordinator, putting my feet in everything is fun

This is when I really see how every group function together to make this camp works

The part I enjoyed the most is actually the labour work

Not the walkie-talkie 5 more mins, get ready! part

Randomly washed dishes together

Arranged all the table chair with the minion army and worked like kuli

Because these are the most down-to-earth act

最踏實的 用行動來付出

Guess my lack of satisfaction is because I don't really get to interact much with people especially the participants.

I need to realign my focus.

Looking at all these people, 

When they go all out to invite people to this camp

When the committee wake up at 3am,

Carrying things around and sweating all day without rest and meals

Did anyone asked?

What are we working for actually.

We worked so hard to present this camp to the particpants.

But I doubt any committee member actually know the content that we are delivering

What talks and video are they watching?

What is all this camp about?

They just have this faith------this worth the effort.

But did we really fulfill our mandate?

Now I question.

I can't resist my sarcasm of asking really at the end of every statement >.<

They are the answer to my questions,

Reading through the reflection of the participants,

other than laughing at some funny remarks

I am really searching for the answer and reassurance that I need.

All these feedback matter to me.

In fact, these are what matter the most.

I need them to tell me they enjoyed it. They benefited. They felt our effort.

Then yes, I can say it is all worth it.

Then I can ignore all the other flaws 

I just need that little assurance.

Maybe I just need to find back the 最初的感動

Like this fella.

I had the same feeling too. Years ago.

When I first get exposed to all these thing.

Guess I am numb from hearing the same tagline for years

Reminding myself, there is a reason why you are still here.

Have faith in your action and choice

Life is too short to waste on things that you don't enjoy

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Not being myself recently

Or this is the ugly-monster me finally coming out

Been spitting fire at everyone and acting impulsively all the time

Annoyed peple with my "I don't care" cause I really don't

Losing passion in life is one of the worst thing that can happen to one

Found no reason to motivate myself

Lost direction

When this truly affect my quality of life, I know things went wrong.

So wrong I don't even know where to start

In moment like this, all I need is just some sleep and a book to read

But this just seems like such a luxury

Just like I know I am gonna pay for wasting time in writing blog lol

I need to find back my flow and end this social suicide tendency

I need to find back my life.

L.I.F.E